when helping someone backfires

Postby Bookreader95 » Mon Jun 17, 2019 12:09 am

To put this bluntly, I recently helped someone with their new computer and accidentally broke a bunch of sh** and had to re-install a lot of their applications. None of there work was deleted luckily and everything is okay now. I made it clear that if anything else popped up that wasn't working to let me know so I could help them out. My intent was good in helping them and they did not say no to my help. I'm in university and almost have my degree in computer science so they trusted me (I know this doesn't mean I know everything but we're friends and he knows I'm not stupid. at least I think I do). I wasn't taking advantage to intentionally mess their computer up. I asked a few questions after they told me the following day to see if he had made changes after I had left but they took it as I wasn't taking responsibility for what I had done and said I was blaming him for my mistakes. I think it was my tone of voice that made me sound defensive but I was unsure of what I had done.

I mean't well but I messed up dude. I apologised of course because it was the right thing. I feel stupid and embarrassed at the moment. The strange thing is that this shouldn't be a big deal but I have had this really bad gut feeling for the past few days. I'm definitely insecure about my intelligence and it does hurt a lot when things like this pop up but I know now that I shouldn't ignore this. I'm 21 so I should start fixing these things rather than just ignoring them. I feel as if he thinks I owe him something now like its a competition. How do you show someone you're taking responsibility? He told our friend group and they all laughed at me and said "I always do things like this and they will go to someone else for help next time". I don't know how to respond when it feels like im the worst person alive so I just stop answering and listen. Its like im stunned when a lot of people are talking about me in a negative way, I can't think properly. It makes me question if im a good person or not.

I don't understand though because I wouldn't make another person feel bad about a mistake if they were trying to help me. I've never done that. I went out of my way to help this person so I expected some empathy but I got the exact opposite. I think from now on I'll pick carefully who I help next because I regret helping him now. Was I expecting too much? I don't feel like im their friend anymore but im someone who they can make fun of to laugh about together. I feel as I can not meet them in the middle with this, I feel like I'm not being understood and I'm being treated unfairly. Anyways, this is what has been consuming my past few days so maybe someone has experience with this that can help it consume less of my day. Thank you
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#1

Postby Candid » Mon Jun 17, 2019 10:47 am

In brief:
You know your intentions;
What other people think of you is their business, not yours; and
People calling you stupid doesn't mean you're stupid.

This issue won't take up any amount of your day when you know:
Being misunderstood doesn't affect you, it affects only those who misunderstand; and
You are always being treated fairly, because everyone on earth feels rotten sometimes. It's the only way we can grow.
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#2

Postby Septimus » Thu Jun 20, 2019 5:03 pm

When a lot of people think of you in a certain way, perhaps a negative way, you can actually become the person that others think you are, this is actually brain washing, similar to how the consistency principle works.

Another thing is, we often project our own negative thinking onto others, this could cause you to see things worse than they actually are, sometimes we think people are talking about us, when in fact they have their own concerns and insecurities that they are preoccupied with.

If you had no bad intent, be confident in that intent and the person you are. People will always misinterpret your actions based mostly on who they're, not on who you're.
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