'Daddy Issues' linked to bad choice in men?

Postby OctoberRain » Mon Jun 24, 2019 3:36 pm

Hi everyone,
I'm new here - and looking for advice as I don't have a great deal of people around me that can openly talk to about this subject. Don't get me wrong, my friends are wonderful - but they all live in this little bubble of married bliss with their 'perfect' families and I don't think they'd be able to understand where I'm coming from.

I'm 28 and a single parent to a 3 year old. I work full-time, I'm self sufficient and I'm independent. I'm not super confident but I'm happy with my appearance in the sense that I know some men find me attractive etc. Weirdly, I have fewer body confidence issues since actually having a child. I'm bubbly enough to make conversation and I'm really laid back, easy going but like to have fun also. The dilemma is - I'm ridiculously unlucky when it comes to men/relationships and I need to figure out where I'm going wrong.

Years ago I kinda hopped from relationship to relationship with never much gap in between. I've learned some lessons since then but for some reason I can't get passed a 2/3 year relationship. Please don't judge me but I'll be honest; For some bizarre reason I always tend to be attracted to people who are quite a lot older than me, already in a relationship or emotionally unavailable or who need 'saving' in some way. I don't know why I do it. I just can't seem to help it!

It's only recently I've started to think about the root cause of these bad decisions and why I can't go for someone 'uncomplicated' - it's ironic because I'm very straight forward, uncomplicated and just want an easy life.
Because of my attraction to older men my friends have joked that I may have 'daddy issues'. What I'm curious to know is, Is this an actual thing?!

My dad has been in and out my life like a yoyo. Most of my life he's been abusive, a drunk etc, unreliable etc. it's only since having my daughter that he's truly 'been there' for me and is being consistent with his contact and putting effort in, which is great. My stepdad had an affair and left us. (They are back together now and this was years ago). However, I've never had a positive, stable male influence in my life. I'm a single child also. Every male that I've been involved with has either abused me/ abandoned me/ lied to me etc.

Don't get me wrong, I'm quite happy being on my own but I really do miss certain areas of being in a relationship. I want to to work out if I do have underlying issues that may be affecting my judgement when it comes to love and relationships. So it got me thinking - is there really truth to this 'daddy issue' theory?

I'd be interested to know your opinion/criticism etc. Thanks in advance for taking the time to read! :)
OctoberRain
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#1

Postby Livetowin » Tue Jun 25, 2019 1:23 pm

First let me welcome you to the boards and hope you find some input that helps you. Lets examine the issues you have here -

Lets start by dispelling the notion there are "uncomplicated" partners out there. Perhaps you mean individuals with less baggage, but all relationships have a shelf life if you bring preconceived ideas to the table. Every person is an individual that requires a thoughtful approach to unpacking when it involves a relationship. What you perceive as trends in the partners you pick appear to be the issues you are not fixing within yourself.

Looking for people with "issues" is a way to make yourself feel better by not addressing your own. You feel empowered because, in your mind, you're "helping" others see the error in their ways. This inner perception makes you feel like if you can solve their issues, then it allows you to make peace with your own without having to actually face them. As you can see, that doesn't work. Your demons have crafted parameters that set up targets for relationships with builtin preconceptions of where you will be disappointed that eventually terminates the bond. In effect, you are reliving your life experience because that's all you know. You gravitate towards personalities that you understand from that disappointment and abandonment.

You can dress up the circumstances and say they are different people and you arrived for more noble reasons, but the truth is you date and relate with the people you think you deserve. If the males in your life have always abused, abandoned, and lied to you, then this is the ride you are most comfortable with because it fits your expectations.

So actually the people whom you might deem as having their sh*t together, who are "uncomplicated" are really the challenging ones for you. Because who is there to blame if they come at you with a grounded perspective that asks you to be accountable for yourself? That means you have to address your demons. Being emotionally dysfunctional is very much a comfortable pad many of us can sink into. In short, misery likes company. But it doesn't want company that comes with mirrors. Misery is a bottom feeder. It profits from the emotional leftovers of others to essentially say, " I'm okay."

What you deem as a kind of inner confidence is actually complacency. And what you're beginning to see is the fallout from that as relationships become like reruns of the same story line. This is symptomatic of unaddressed pain that you have set aside or assigned to others to role play for you. You need to get off this ride and finally own the events of your early life. Talking to a counselor to vocalize that pain might be a good first step. I think if you can hear your pain, it becomes the first step towards finding a method to remove it.
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#2

Postby Septimus » Tue Jun 25, 2019 5:21 pm

I would also add that it seems that your desire for helping others, or emotion of compassion is a little on the dominate side. You probably temperamentally tilt towards helping others before yourself, however due to you past issues it could of affected your self esteem which may cause further imbalances.

The better you're as an individual, the better placed you will be to help others.

Would you say you mostly always place the needs of others before your own?
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