My first post ever anywhere. Help, life story,problem.

Postby Mylifeisblank » Fri Jul 12, 2019 1:28 am

Im not a native english speaker so this may be painfull to read, but if someone has any advice or equal experience i would be extremely grateful. I Dont know if this is the rigth place to post, but ive searched and read some posts here wich have been kind of helpefull, but i feel like i need some people to know my story, and see if hope is still there-.


Scoll down to this -------------------------------------------------------------- for actuall problem without the life story------>

So weed made me a big loser. Or I used the weed to become a loser. I lost in life. I went from being a happy, funny, interesting, smart and good human being. To an absolute apatethic self hating complete joke of a person

I did not manage to see this myself until 3 months prior to this writing. I quit it cold turkey 12 march for good. After 1 month off i had this extreme anxiety attack, where i was anxious for three days straigth. After this happening i woke up depressed. And it has been this way for 3 months.

Im currently 21 years old. I live in a country where weed is illegal, but everyone can get it pretty easy and quick.
I tryed it the first time when i was around 17 at a party, maybe it was the plasebo, but i felt it the first time. When i was 18 i smoked it every other party i went to, or more like every time i could get my hands on it. My grades started to slip and i failed in the last years science maths. Life stood between taking the class again at home or go to military service. Except there was a third option, something called folkehøgskole, which we have here in Norway where i live.

This kind of school is like a gap year, because its not a serious school where you read and write, but its more like a self developing school where you can choose a sport, music, art or something else, and meet new people.

So travelled across the country to this school and joined the extreme sports class, it was not that extreme, but we skated, snowboarded and did a trip to Costa Rica and Hawaii where we surfed. Normally a person who has failed a class do not get allowance from their parents to do this, but my incredible loving mother, allowed me, because it was a christian school. And she is religous and thought it would be a good idea, because the partying at home was going a little over board.

Well it was a good time and a fantastic year, but i am/was not so religous myself. I did not fit in with the Very over the Top religous group. Wich was 90-95% of the school. I hang mostly with a little group of people who where kind of the outsiders. This school had a strict no alcohol rule, so my liver got a well needed rest year, but i think this is where i f***ed up my brain and the beginning of my end started.

This one dude in the friend group had a dealer, just 30 minutes away from the school. We dont have good cannabis here in norway, but we have had allot of good Hasish. We started to smoke every other day in the night time, before bedtime. Had some very weird toughts and intense experiences. funny for the most part, but one time we almost got busted, wich would have been catastrophic and cost me about 70k nok, equal to about 9k $. "in hindsigh" it would have saved my life, but we made it out and i made it trought the year. I also should mention that i tryed to get my Science math grade, but was to busy snowboarding in the alphs and surfing Costa Rica, that i screwed it all up.

So i went back home after the year. I was now 20 year old. No diploma from high school because i failed the math again, but everyone around me including my family was all understanding of my excuse. That i had no time, when i was surfing and snowing it up around the world. But i did not even practice one houre, i had already become a lazy person.

Well, it was not such a big deal at this point. Many people here in Norway take two gap years of different reasons, working, military, Folkehøgskole. Someone do both, military then folkehøgskole before they study. So i had no worries at all. Got my first real job at a nursing home for Mentally disabled people. Some people laughed at me for it, and told me i was gone become retarded if i worked there, which a laughed of and had no problems with. Because its actually a pretty well payed job, if u dont have anything to show for.

But the problem was that i also had allot of spare time. I took extra shifts and was called in on when they needed me, so i worked nothing more than 2-3 days in a week . But i was also studying for the math and ofc used that as a excuse for not working more than i did. Here i was, back in my old town. I actually live on an island with a tunnel 20 minutes to the nearest city, wich is a part of the problem i will get to.

So as some of you probably are thinking. Here i must take life serrious and focus on the math so i can atleast get into collage at an age of 21. Well my ex gf had been waiting for me at home, and i had been without sex for a whole year so we became fuckfriends in this super toxic relationship. I had feelings for her and had a hard time letting her go, wich i should have, and instead had sex a couple of times in the months and i developed mental problems, which i used weed to obliterate. Smoked with a buddy late night when no one had work etc

So This math exam that i had to pass could only be taken two times a year. sping and autumn. First i fail the automn one, blame it on my ex, my parents now hates my ex. Loving as always, they understand me. But i am starting to become a lying manipulation sh**, and cant seem to realise that its ofc my own fault.

Second half of the year i promise everyone i gone pass the test. Im super stressed, but i cant seem to focus when i do math, i f***ing hate it now. f***ing intergration and differnential equations and formulas that i got to remember, cram. It gives me ptsd just to open the book. And i have taken to long of a time between learning the stuff, that what i first learned i no longer remember.

I have become a much lazyer person at this time of year. But i got one friend that is dealing with some of the same issues, he failed the exact same math exam and need it for college. He Is one year older than me, but live on the same island. What a suprise he is a big f***ing stoner. But he also works out, something i have always tried to keep up. So my days goes like this. Sleeping to around 12-2 pm, sit on my computer and play video games, watch movies until 6, do math from 6 to 8, but my study technics was beyond garbage, and all i waited for was the 8.30 pm mark. Me and my friend drove to the city and trained until 11pm, drove back to some of the best spots on the island and smoked weed untril 12-1am. When i got home i ate and jerked off until 2-3am. Repeated for 4-5 months straigth.

I was only working on the institution for mentally challanged people on the weekends at this point. Nightshifts, doing nothing at all, but getting payed double the houre, so making a little more money then the first half of the year, by doing absolute nothing and excusing my terrible sleep schedule.

------>
Well i f***ing failed AGAIN

OKay hmm. People are looking different at me now. Like wtf is this dude doing. Failing again and again. I explain to my parents that the math gives me ptsd and all about my problems. They don`t know about the weed yet. Problems everywhere starts to arrise, but i got the perfect medicine for this. Ofc.


21 year old. Live in the bacement, finaly got it for myself, my little sister which is two years younger than me, is now going into the military. The place where i should have gone. Learned about displin and all that.

Here i am, stoner look is taking a real hold. no girls in sight. taking less care of myself, trying to work out, but often dodge.
Sometimes i join my normal non smoking friends to drink like old times, but i always end up super smashed and depressed. No girls. Talking skills have declined i used to be good.

The weed is now, have maybe been for a long time, the only thing i look forward to do. Work abit more than before, but still only night shifts and late evenings. So i can have my "good habit" off working out late a night then getting stoned all night. Im getting more and more stupid by the day. And end up doing something i will regret for the rest of my life. I end up taking mdma one day when we are out in the town drinking. Im super smashed, drunk as hell. getting cought by police with black eyes. 500$, only a glass of water, 5 houre sleep.

I actually manage to pass my biologi 1 exam. But i still need the biologi 2 class. But in december i do something even more stupid and i try lsd. I thought i needed some insights, but what i needed was a drug free life and i just added one compound to my nausia of wich one has ruined the most of my brain. Well after that trip i felt like i just had to take the math exam one more freakin time. Like i had to pass it. like i could not leave it behind.

So i decided to pay for private classes. Two months went fine, felt like i was learning in the class, but i did not do enough when i got home, because i was still smoking at night and having the same lifestyle, only weed, no partying, i was afraid of what i could end up doing drunk, because i have become kind of suicidal dopamine/drug chasing maniac when i drink, like the october action.

So this is now. I Stopped smoking weed in 12 march. Felt quicker each day and less brain fogg, but one month after i had this extreme panick attack. Because my mom actually found out about the smoking. I felt like people around knew, which many probably does, and i had this enormous extreme important test that i had to make to prove everyone wrong. i could not study the first days after the anxiety, i hade zero motivation to even get up of the bed. Studying was so important, but so impossible at the same time. No dopamine, no serationin, idk brain damage, everything just hit me like a truck. I studied really hard the two weeks before the exam but guess what. Im actually a complete failure.

-------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------------------


So after all of this im just depressed, more and more soscially withdrawen and afraid of people. I even feel like i cant be at home anymore. People dont look up to me, everyone now knows i f***ed up. And where i live. on an Island in Norway, drug users are looked at as rats. I was just a stoner, but trying mdma and lsd once, now make me the complete abomination. I f***ing hate myself every moment of every day. I feel like im probably losing my job soon, because words goes around. Im been sober for almost 4 months now, but look like a bigger wreck then i did when i was in the middle of it. I am scared to go to the local stores, because of people i knew and my relatives. My uncles are big Oil boys and have made it big, and they can say things to my mother like "if people start using narcotics, i hope they go as quick as possible, before they drag anyone with them". My cognitive abilities have gone tho the shits. The worst part is my memory, i dont know if its the depression, the drugs, probably the combination, but fuuuuck. If i cant get it back, somehow, somewhere. Get it semi back so i can function, connect with people, still make something out of myself, be a better role modell for my two younger sisters then i have been for the last two years, i could pay anything. f***ing anything.

long testemony here. **** my life. Every morning i wake up feeling like absolute sh**, my body hurts, even my heart have started to ache. My morning wood is not what it used to be, its a semi almost. **** i think im dying to, maybe its best so, but im 21.


I think i will have to get my hearth checked atleast, and be somewhat honest with them. Then i need to maybe talk to a neurcientist and find out if this is all mentally or that i actually have scraped my frontal lobe, depleted myself so hard for dopamin and seratonin that im doomed, and with the cogntivie abilies closely to my 16 year old self i dont know if i can ever get a degree in anything. Maybe its just what i feel, but i cant connect or keep proper conversation with anyone i dont know very well, even with people i know very good, i have this moments where i just space out, cant find the word that im looking for and have said probably hundreds of times, everything goes blank when i meet people or talk with them. What to say, how to respond and act. Its all f***ed up.
Mylifeisblank
New Member
 
Posts: 2
Joined: Thu Jul 11, 2019 10:41 pm
Likes Received: 0


#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Jul 12, 2019 3:17 am

-1- do the right thing and tell your parents the truth.

-2- stop drugs...your parents knowing the truth can help.

-3- stop thinking college. There is nothing wrong with other paths in life.

-4- focus on the resume you have with helping others.

-5- have a goal to be independent from your parents.

In a few months, all cleaned up, you’re a productive adult that can pay your own bills. Currently, your parents “support” is well intentioned, but it just enables you. It places pressure to attend college and continue receiving their “support”. They are a crutch.

If you don’t break away from your parents you will end up being 30 and still living in their basement, still holding yourself to their expectations and comparing yourself to your sister.
User avatar
Richard@DecisionSkills
MVP
MVP
 
Posts: 10389
Joined: Sat Dec 08, 2012 2:25 am
Likes Received: 1068

#2

Postby SparkleFly12 » Fri Jul 12, 2019 3:42 am

Hey mylifeisblank,

What a ride you've been on.Good youve realized what is causing problems in your life. Weed is not for everyone. Some people function perfect with it a part of their life, others cant. Personally, I could function but it had negative health effects so I stopped a few months ago.

First, I want to tell you that it does not sound like you have done anything that would cause permanent brain damage to yourself. You started smoking young, but it doesnt sound like you were high 24/7. Taking acid and ecstasy one time wont cause any long term brain damage. For these drugs to have a long term effect on your brain, you have to take them a lot more. Drinking makes you do dumb sh** but doesnt cause brain damage. Weed doesnt cause brain damage in the long term; but (as youve seen from other posts here) it can take months or a couple years for your brain to recover if you were a regular user.

And that brings me to the bad news. It may be many months before you feel normal again. All the things you mention - anxiety, trouble forming interpersonal relationships, depression, lack of motivation, inability to find words: they are all symptoms of PAWS and can happen when you stop taking any drug you regularly used.

Its the beginning of a long journey. Keep making good choices, you will start to see your symptoms get better in the coming months. You're already ~3 months in so thats good, but it can take a lot longer for your brain to heal. You have plenty of time though since you are 21. And it sounds like you have a caring family. I dont know if you want to come clean with them, but come up with a long term plan and execute it. In the coming months they will see you improve as your health improves. College, Military, or other work - you have time to think things through and I hope you do so. Ive learned to ignore my PAWS symptoms; just accept them as a part of life for now and make long term plans as if they werent there. Because they will go away.

Cheers and all the best,

Sparkle
SparkleFly12
Junior Member
 
Posts: 98
Joined: Tue May 07, 2019 10:13 pm
Likes Received: 16

#3

Postby Mylifeisblank » Sat Jul 13, 2019 12:51 am

Thanks for replies, appricate both of you. Not doing college is not an option for me, i cant do anything else. Working at a job here in Norway Without a degree for the rest of my life is not an option. But i Will stay In work until i get my grades and i Will work 10 times harder to make it. Maybe try to learn to code LOL. And No drugs. Trying to quit nicotine at the moment. Not smoking it, but We got something called snus. High amounts of nicotine inside. Very high. Dropping the caffein to.

So my day today has been actually pretty good, Maybe the best in 4 months.

Woke up late as usual With the same symtoms as always. But i tried to get Out of bed within the first 10minutes instead of an houre. Got Out of bed, walked a dog me and my family takes care of for a week. Then are som break fast and watched the News.

Suddenly a car pulls up in Our driveway, im thinking someone has ended up in the wrong Place, but it was actually my aunt and her grandchild, coming over for a random visit. Usually i get this anxious stress reaction when relatives comes over, like i want to bury myself down or jump Out the window, then let my Sister and family take care of the visisters, but today i was home alone.

So i walk to the mirror, Even when it was a houre after i had woken up, i got those extremely sleepy eyes. I remember i always had them the Day after a smoke sesh a year ago, but now i got them every morning even 4 months now after quitting.

But i say **** it. Grab the dog and Just walk outside to greet them. I dont Even remember the name of this niese, but she has grown a fair bit since last time i saw here. But i dont remember the name so i try to smile and Just say hi.

The first thing my aunt say is " Hello did we wake you up". haha funny, 12.30, middle of the Day for these people. Stoner, almost Asian looking eyes. But i Just laugh it off and say hello Nice to see you. No hugs or anything, ive become so bad With physical contact With people i rarely see.

So we talk, while i do my best to keep a focus and hold eye contact. Fairly easy when she wears sunn glasses the whole time, but i try to have a conversation and stay positive. I dont act good With children, like i feel unconfortable With them looking me straight into the eyes. Like they can see my soul, while they are waiting for me to say something funny. And With a rotten soul and nothing to say, i Just slide my attention back to my aunt and try to keep something going.


It take some hard focus to remember different obvious things she is asking about. I have No charm and nothing to add, but i feel like the akward moments where feewer then normal and they went their ways With a good bye.

So i started to paint the house and i had to make the basement clean for when my Sister from the military got back home. She is now finished With one year There. She brought here boyfriend, wich i Know pretty well now, he is a good man. On his sweather it stood "never give inn, never give up" lmao. Signs everywhere. But all of us took the dog for a walk then watched the movie "downsized". Would really recommend that movie. What a movie. So strange, funny, got me Out of my head.
Mylifeisblank
New Member
 
Posts: 2
Joined: Thu Jul 11, 2019 10:41 pm
Likes Received: 0

#4

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sat Jul 13, 2019 1:16 am

Mylifeisblank wrote: Not doing college is not an option for me, i cant do anything else.

Maybe try to learn to code LOL.


Coding does not require a college degree. It helps, but is not required.

You are not graduating college. Not anytime soon anyway.

Saying college isn’t an option doesn’t make it true. Saying it is not an option is obviously false. The power of positive thinking and affirmations doesn’t stop you from smoking weed or being able to handle the pressures of college math courses.

You saying it isn’t an option is really just setting yourself up for failure.

As an analogy...there are plenty of young athletes that say not winning a gold medal is not option. Same as what you are saying, obviously a false statement. But, making the claim gives them a false sense that they need not focus on anything else. They justify not exploring other paths, because not winning a gold medal is simple “not an option”.

Of course all but one of these child athletes eventually must face reality and begin exploring other paths. Those that do so earlier are better prepared for facing and thriving in other environments.

You saying “not an option” is avoidance. It is an option. You need to explore that option.
User avatar
Richard@DecisionSkills
MVP
MVP
 
Posts: 10389
Joined: Sat Dec 08, 2012 2:25 am
Likes Received: 1068



  • Similar Topics
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Return to Addictions