I need men's opinions and advice only!

Postby toriann » Wed Jul 17, 2019 2:57 pm

I am a 25 year old women, married with kids.

Me and my husband both have been through a lot before we got married. During the total time we've been together (3 1/2 years) we've had to be each other rocks through healing time. It's been a lot. Mine healing time is taking the longest :(

Anyway, we have a good life. We are still hurting but we're making it through I think. One thing that I have not been able to get over is a issue I have with my husband masterbating. I NEED to understand this.

Now, I have very low self esteem. Which I am working on and is getting better. There are things in the past that others and that he has done that hasn't helped but right now we are good! and he treats me really well. He gives me lots of attention, we have really good sex and I think I would say pretty often for us working full time jobs and having kids. We even indulge in fantasies which satisfies both of us.

But, I can't help but to continue to have this sinking feeling when I walk in our bedroom and there' evidence of his self pleasure. Now matter how much he's built me up or made me feel good or wanted that instantly goes away and automatically think to myself..... "What have I done wrong? Why am I not good enough? Why doesn't he want me?"

He always says that he wants me and he loves me and would much rather have me but we either don't have time or its pressured or whatever so that's why he does. He says he watches my videos but in my eyes (for someone who doesn't self pleasure and is completely satisfied by him!) I am offended because if he wants me then why didn't he wait for me? aren't I much better? am I not good enough? Maybe I should have never made any videos? but I want to please him and I know it wouldn't stop him... I don't really want to stop him from doing so, I just want to understand so I can stop feeling so crappy!

Tell me how a man can feel these two things at once. Love me and care for me and want me so much but still feel the need to self pleasure. because I want to believe this, I want to understand. It black or white for me and I believe him but I don't understand it.

I get obsessed with the idea and it hurts so bad sometimes that it annoys him if I bring any of it up, I don't want to get to the point were I get crazy about it and start trying to tell him what to do because I don't. I don't want to TRY and take anything away from him or try to control him.
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#1

Postby tokeless » Wed Jul 17, 2019 3:09 pm

Hi,
It's quite simple really. Obviously your low self esteem is driving these emotions and it's good that you're working on it. In my opinion, men are orgasm driven as an end goal and therefore masterbation is a simple and easy way to get that satisfaction... I think all men do it even in relationships that satisfy them in an emotional and sex within that way. However, masterbation can be used to relieve stress or just because we like it. It's not wrong, it's normal to enjoy this but it makes you feel less worthy, enough for him, less satisfying etc etc... I get that, but that's your bag to carry really. I think what he should do is not leave the evidence for you to find, knowing it upsets you. Think of it this way maybe.. He could have a high sex drive, he's not cheating with a real person and he wanks about you... Watching visual stimuli like porn taps in to men's psyche generally but that's how many of us are wired. Women, tend to look for emotional connections with sex, not always but generally but men can **** without emotions, same goes with masterbation. I hope that helps? I'm a happily married man and a w****r.
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#2

Postby toriann » Wed Jul 17, 2019 3:20 pm

I try and ask him to respect my wishes and put the computer away and not to leave rags out but sometimes it must slip his mind or he doesnt care and I spent so much time just broken over it.

If hes already self pleasured then why would he need me? the deed is done, youre satisfied. Im worthless. Thats what goes through my head.

I guess what I am asking is as a married man does it make you want your wife less or think less of her? my husband claims it makes him excited about me. but then why not wait for me? whats the need for it. sex is stress relieving too. I am very pleasing, you need a quicky. Ill do that. You want to make love? Ill do that. You want a blowy? Ill do that. I dont care to get off or for it to be emotional. He claims our sex is so good and I can tell by his reactions.

What the need for it if I am available.
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#3

Postby tokeless » Wed Jul 17, 2019 3:25 pm

I guess only he knows the answer to that? He may have given it but you can't accept it, so seek another. I don't desire my wife less but that's me I guess. If I knew we were having sex later I wouldn't have one as it can nullify the urge to have sex, but he knows the answer to your question.
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#4

Postby toriann » Wed Jul 17, 2019 3:30 pm

alright. thank you...
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#5

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Jul 22, 2019 11:16 pm

toriann wrote:Tell me how a man can feel these two things at once. Love me and care for me and want me so much but still feel the need to self pleasure....


Ugh...

I feel for you. You have been sold the myth that somehow a man is suppose to magically stop thinking of any and all other women in a sexual way once they choose “the one”.

Even though all observable evidence and even reason confirm men will desire other women, we do a poor job as a community in sharing this reality.

A simple test. How many different women has a typical male thought about prior to meeting “the one”? From puberty at age 13 to getting married at the young age of 20, if they masturbate 1 time per week, that is a minimum of 364 ‘pleasure sessions’. This is an extremely conservative estimate.

Out of 300 plus times, how many different women have they thought about in the process? Definitely more than one. Easily more than a dozen. Again, extremely conservative.

Then some woman comes along and at age 20 they get married. They make vows that you are “the one”. The laughable myth is that with this commitment the man is somehow suppose to magically turn off their biology and never fantasize about any other female. What a crock of utter hogwash.

There is a reason healthy relationships involve role play and open discussions about needs and desires. There is nothing wrong with expecting a man not pursue another relationship. There is nothing wrong with a person expecting their partner to abide by their vows to be faithful.

But, if by “faithful” a person expects to include thought control and a prohibition of self pleasure, that the man is not even suppose to think about another woman, then that person is living in a mythical fantasy land.

I do not blame any woman that has such a ridiculous fantasy. In other words, I feel for you. It is not your fault. I just wonder where you learned to believe such a mythical tale? In my experience, it is generally from parents or a spiritual teaching that promotes some fantasy where upon making a vow, the biological engine of procreation can simply turn itself off.
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#6

Postby laureat » Thu Jul 25, 2019 5:22 am

man is naturally attracted to women

relationship is about agreement and sacrifice which sounds OK, but it does not shut down the natural need/drive for women

masturbating and fantasy is the easiest way for a man to fulfill the need/drive

religions has tried many ways such as hijabs so the men wont be sexually provoked

this problem is men problem and you should not take it personal as long as your husband is supportive and you living happy, ignore his masturbation
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#7

Postby tokeless » Thu Jul 25, 2019 6:49 am

laureat wrote:man is naturally attracted to women

relationship is about agreement and sacrifice which sounds OK, but it does not shut down the natural need/drive for women

masturbating and fantasy is the easiest way for a man to fulfill the need/drive

religions has tried many ways such as hijabs so the men wont be sexually provoked

this problem is men problem and you should not take it personal as long as your husband is supportive and you living happy, ignore his masturbation


I know you probably didn't mean to, but why define it as a men problem? Many women masterbate too. It's also not a problem.
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#8

Postby laureat » Thu Jul 25, 2019 8:11 am

women are different

you may see men there who pickup any prostitute on the street and enjoy them

but women are more selective and do not pay for sex so there is a difference here if you think about it

masturbation topic doesn't have the same answer for both genres

men are more sexually driven they pay for sex they masturbate , they are more on a desperate side
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#9

Postby Livetowin » Fri Jul 26, 2019 2:59 pm

He likely utilized that in the past as a means to manage various levels of stress, since you state both of you have been through allot of rocky times. I would not use the act of this as a lack of loyalty, however I would ask him if he's stressed and if this is his vice for circumventing the physical strain of it. Pleasure as a replacement for pain can come in allot of different forms. Some can eat or drink it away while others needs physical stimuli that also provide immediate results.
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