How to hande "The Wave" in relationship

Postby Born2Brookie » Thu Jul 18, 2019 6:18 pm

Hey Guys!

I am experiencing The Wave in recurring cycles and can't decide if I want to end the relationship or stick by it.

When the bad wave comes, I see the negative qualities of my girlfriend. She didn't really find herself in terms of career, currently works in hospitality sphere. In the last year we have been together for, she switched workplaces 3 times and in all instances the boss was horrible, as per her explanation. When she was sharing her experiences, I felt doubt that in all cases she was only the victim.

I must add that she doesn't handle critique well, immediately gets defensive, punches back and it's hard to bring up such topics to her. I can understand if she speaks the same way with employees, it can lead to conflict or bad atmosphere.
I had a negative experience personally when I referred her to someone for a project - details don't matter that much, but she was very unprofessional and could have caused some financial damage (which luckily got solved independently of her). When I raised my concern, she immediately got defensive again and didn't seem to take any responsibility.
It is important for me that one takes responsibility for his actions, tried to learn from mistakes and open for tips for improvement.

In this year, in terms of career/job, she mostly complains about her bosses, not open for discussions about how to resolve such situation - so I'm losing patience. She doesn't feel motivated to wake up, many times tired and has low energy and not really enthusiastic about her life.

So I start to develop a feeling that I can't take it anymore and want to end a relationship. But I don't act on it immediately as hoping for the wave to pass. And it really happens, maybe she has a better period or I am getting more chilled - I am getting back this feeling of satisfaction in the relationship and happy that didn't do anything stupid.
In this period I see her good qualities - she is fun if in good mood, I like her esoteric vibe, she is cute and feminine and I enjoy being around her in times like these.

We are nearly for 1 year together, I feel the honeymoon phase gets to its end and I am having more and more moments of a negative wave.

Am I just afraid of getting into a more serious phase and letting her close to me? Trying to convince myself out of a relationship?
Or do I actually see her as she really is? I feel like I don't want to support her through these constantly hard times, as there is no plan, or attempt to come with one.

I know that I am the one who should know better, but sometimes comments from fellow members are so insightful!

All the best,
Born2BRookie
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#1

Postby tokeless » Thu Jul 18, 2019 6:25 pm

When a window has a crack in it, it'll never not be cracked. The solution is to change the glass. If you're having these negative waves more often then perhaps it's time to call it a day. Will she change? Not unless she sees it and your post suggests maybe not.
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#2

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Jul 19, 2019 12:44 am

Formally end the relationship.

The relationship is actually already finished, you just don’t realize it. The sooner you formally end it, the sooner both of you can move on.
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#3

Postby Candid » Mon Oct 21, 2019 7:13 am

Born2Brookie, you've given many instances of your girl's instability, and the fact that her inflammable personality kills her chance of a successful career. In the long term her criticism of employers/co-workers is going to get back to you: any disagreement between you will make her a 'victim' when she's telling it to her friends.

Forget about any 'wave', this https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog ... -mentality is a drain on anyone.
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#4

Postby Hamming » Sat Nov 16, 2019 10:17 pm

She doesn't feel motivated to wake up, many times tired and has low energy and not really enthusiastic about her life.


Is this her fault that she does not feel motivated? If she is tired - she is tired, something make her tired. Maybe her if she does not eat well enough. But maybe shitty job and boss makes her tired.

Being not enthusiastic - again, can she change this? or does enthusiasm come automatically. Maybe it is because of low energy?

In this year, in terms of career/job, she mostly complains about her bosses


I perfectly understand her. I have also had bosses who made me feel bad, angry. There are bosses who do not care much about how you feel and raise voice for example. Assholes.

I am sorry for her but probably if I were you, I also would really think about leaving her because she does not try to change things, take responsibility for what happens, ask for help maybe. This might get worse and she might be like pet who you have to feed because she will not be able to earn money. But for some man its not a problem, so if its not a problem to feed her, maybe you can tell her stop going to work and maybe she will be happy.
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#5

Postby MarcosUve » Fri Nov 29, 2019 12:41 pm

If you have only once thought of a break your relationship just do it. Nothing good will come of it.
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#6

Postby Born2Brookie » Fri Nov 29, 2019 3:59 pm

Hi there,

Thanks to everyone for the replies and comments!

Quick update - we are still together and now happy. Since my post there were some very pleasant improvements in our relationship.
She also changed her job to a similar one, but with a boss, whom she knows already and working only in 6 hours for the same pay. Her shining came back stronger than ever before. Now I feel a bit like a jerk for my thoughts - but we are only in charge of our actions, aren't we?

I must add that I am visiting a psychologist for a while now and with his help I start to realize the root for some of my behaviours and thoughts (jealousy in relationship, feeling that it's better to be alone, no desire for family).

Being grown up in a family which was broken several times, I didn't get to see and experience the warmth, love and safety provided by HOME - but rather was growing up on my own, hanging a lot on the street - in denial of pain and desire to be in a family.

I don't understand how it actually works, but now I feel the changes in my perception. By simply acknowledging some pain-points and particular parts of my past, my values and feelings seem to change.
I no longer feel that I'd never like to have a family, started to see the future with my girlfriend, not having anxiety that she'll leave me or cheat on me.

I also don't see that much trouble with her and now there literally nothing I can complain about. Now I feel, like I was looking for reasons to break up and collecting them, so I can just end the relationship and be alone. Probably I am the crazy one here... :)

It's the beginning of the journey to break my patterns and samples, but now I start to feel some results.

Just wanted to share! Wish you happiness on the other side of the screen! ;)
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#7

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Nov 29, 2019 4:13 pm

Glad that you are currently happy.

She changed jobs again. Surprise, surprise. What is your plan to deal with the next negative wave? It is best to prepare when things are going well.
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#8

Postby Born2Brookie » Fri Nov 29, 2019 4:31 pm

Thanks for the attention to my post, Richard! :)

I agree that there is a chance that the same will happen again. But I am optimistic right now and have a feeling that both of us made some improvements.
I surely would be annoyed if the new boss (whom I also met and seem like a great guy) would turn out to be actually horrible and she'd be the victim.

We will see. I'll make sure to post if anything interesting happens!
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#9

Postby MarcosUve » Sat Nov 30, 2019 6:14 pm

MarcosUve wrote:If you have only once thought of a break your relationship just do it. Nothing good will come of it.

I glad to hear that. But if you want new partner I would advise you this
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#10

Postby CandyApples » Wed Feb 19, 2020 7:28 pm

ah crud, she sounds like me...alot. Let me tell you though, I dont think its from lack of her trying. I will say, and will pay for ppl freaking out for me saying this, I think its way easier for men to be in the work force than it is most women. We generally default into customer service/reception type roles "generally" which...is actually a sugar coated pain the donkey long term. I have no idea how ppl do it, except for I think most ppl "live" to be "accepted" by their work peers. Its like a personal goal. If shes like me, and desires to actually "like" her job--then it just makes matters harder. If shes seeking inner forfillment in a career, than that might explain why she skips around employment, shes just trying to find the right fit, for something she will do more than anything else in life. Also, women working with women (yes Ill get hell for this im sure) most of the time is a little catty, you men have no idea, and then if your a gal in a male dominated office, well ..uneasiness can arise from that too. What she needs to do is look for a job that makes her happy. If she doesnt want to work the typcial 9-5 m/f crap, then maybe work 3 nights, 12 hours.....if she doesnt like ppl, be a file clerk for example, or if she likes ppl, but not all at once, like a customer service window take complaints stuff, be a CNA, one patient at a time, where your there to help them get better, not take their complaint on how walmart overprices their shoes...she just needs to find something for her. I do not think this will get much better, I feel its in her personality, if shes like me...to wander and seek whats right for her at that moment....I kinda think its nice (as long as bills are being paid) to do that, rather than being stuck at something that sucks the life out of you, just for bragging rights. If thats only your main gripe, and your willing to be the primary bread winner, I say just look at her as a free spirit then :) p.s most "bosses" are unfit, from experience most of my bosses had no idea how to handle themselves let alone how to coach me at my job, My last one was too worried about my hair color to see how hard I worked, so I left, ran into my bosses co worker, who told me they havent been able to find good help since I left. So I duno I believe her when she says her coworkers are a issue. Most ppl just ignore it but if shes like hypersensitive or prone to anxiety or something, its pretty hard to ignore ppl being a fool day in and day out
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