How to hande "The Wave" in relationship

Postby Born2Brookie » Thu Jul 18, 2019 6:18 pm

Hey Guys!

I am experiencing The Wave in recurring cycles and can't decide if I want to end the relationship or stick by it.

When the bad wave comes, I see the negative qualities of my girlfriend. She didn't really find herself in terms of career, currently works in hospitality sphere. In the last year we have been together for, she switched workplaces 3 times and in all instances the boss was horrible, as per her explanation. When she was sharing her experiences, I felt doubt that in all cases she was only the victim.

I must add that she doesn't handle critique well, immediately gets defensive, punches back and it's hard to bring up such topics to her. I can understand if she speaks the same way with employees, it can lead to conflict or bad atmosphere.
I had a negative experience personally when I referred her to someone for a project - details don't matter that much, but she was very unprofessional and could have caused some financial damage (which luckily got solved independently of her). When I raised my concern, she immediately got defensive again and didn't seem to take any responsibility.
It is important for me that one takes responsibility for his actions, tried to learn from mistakes and open for tips for improvement.

In this year, in terms of career/job, she mostly complains about her bosses, not open for discussions about how to resolve such situation - so I'm losing patience. She doesn't feel motivated to wake up, many times tired and has low energy and not really enthusiastic about her life.

So I start to develop a feeling that I can't take it anymore and want to end a relationship. But I don't act on it immediately as hoping for the wave to pass. And it really happens, maybe she has a better period or I am getting more chilled - I am getting back this feeling of satisfaction in the relationship and happy that didn't do anything stupid.
In this period I see her good qualities - she is fun if in good mood, I like her esoteric vibe, she is cute and feminine and I enjoy being around her in times like these.

We are nearly for 1 year together, I feel the honeymoon phase gets to its end and I am having more and more moments of a negative wave.

Am I just afraid of getting into a more serious phase and letting her close to me? Trying to convince myself out of a relationship?
Or do I actually see her as she really is? I feel like I don't want to support her through these constantly hard times, as there is no plan, or attempt to come with one.

I know that I am the one who should know better, but sometimes comments from fellow members are so insightful!

All the best,
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#1

Postby tokeless » Thu Jul 18, 2019 6:25 pm

When a window has a crack in it, it'll never not be cracked. The solution is to change the glass. If you're having these negative waves more often then perhaps it's time to call it a day. Will she change? Not unless she sees it and your post suggests maybe not.
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#2

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Jul 19, 2019 12:44 am

Formally end the relationship.

The relationship is actually already finished, you just don’t realize it. The sooner you formally end it, the sooner both of you can move on.
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#3

Postby Candid » Mon Oct 21, 2019 7:13 am

Born2Brookie, you've given many instances of your girl's instability, and the fact that her inflammable personality kills her chance of a successful career. In the long term her criticism of employers/co-workers is going to get back to you: any disagreement between you will make her a 'victim' when she's telling it to her friends.

Forget about any 'wave', this https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog ... -mentality is a drain on anyone.
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