out of control anxiety

Postby dawoDav » Sun Jul 21, 2019 11:28 pm

From the age of 10 I was in and out of the hospital because of anxiety and some other conditions. My parents and a doctor told me I had anxiety at the hospital when I was 1. I was awkward and embarrassed about it so they never spoke to me about it. I've been in denial for 11 years and kept telling myself that I was fine but I never really was. I'm nervous all of the time. I was just playing games on my computer with my old friends and I've played a lot more than they have. I'm not a bad player but I'm so nervous or anxious to do well that I will make a lot of mistakes.

Even in the real world I've stopped doing a lot of things that I have enjoyed because of anxiety. Almost all of my friends have asked me about my anxiety and I will just lie and say I'm fine or just tired or whatever. If I'm being honest I've never moved on and I'm nervous and care about what everyone things of me. I went to the barber shop to get my hair cut and my head and body will shake uncontrollably. I've stopped getting my hair cut because I'm embarrassed of how much I shake. The barber has even accidentally make mistakes because I shook too much as embarrassing as that is. I've hoped that I will be okay in the following months but even I know that nothing will happen if I don't change.

I'll go the the shops and when I hand over my money the coins will be sweaty and my hands will shake. I live quite close to a corner shop and the owners recognize me and ask me about it sometimes. Its even hard to walk straight in front of others sometimes. I'm jumpy a lot of the time and get really tired after talking to my friends at university. I feel as if I have a lot of inner conflict because I believe in helping yourself and instead of talking about it I usually like to use my intuitive and do something. Causes me a lot of stress. This is just the surface of what has happened in the past few months. I have a lot of irrational thoughts that sort of just sink in to me. It's hard to think about other things. Sometimes I'll be walking to my lecture room and it will feel as if I'm not in my body and I'll completely forget what the lecture is about and seem stupid or dumb to my friends.

I've denied a lot of my feelings towards anxiety for a long time and I feel lost and alone right now. The things that are important to me I mess up when I could do so much better. Its humiliating to know I'm quite good at the things I enjoy and just totally suck. I'm going to be honest, I've contemplated suicide a lot the past few months but I won't go through with it. My family would be devastated, not fair on them. I hope someone can make sense of this because this sucks. I'm not enjoying anything at the moment and its so hard to sleep knowing that I'm not able to do well in things and have my friends think I'm bad at the things I spend the most time doing. I feel like crying.
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Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Jul 22, 2019 1:03 am

Seek professional help from a cognitive behavioral therapist.

Online forums, other than referring you to seek professional help, will just waste your time. This is because while an online form can provide some temporary comfort, it is not sufficient to actually address your problem.
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