depression- getting back to myself (need advice)

Postby toriann » Mon Jul 22, 2019 6:50 pm

I have had a long road of depression.

Right now I am married but it seems I have single handedly torn my relationship apart because of my bs. I am trying really hard to tear down the walls I have built and get back to a normal me but that this point it seems impossible.
My husband has threatened to leave many times.
I would have nothing without him. I would feel completely unwanted and loved. I have would no where to go. I would have no one to talk to because he is my best friend.
The only thing keeping me here is our son.
Otherwise, I would kill myself to stop the pain I feel and stop the pain I have caused him.

But I dont know what I would do if he were to leave.
I would want to be gone so bad but I dont want to leave my son without a mother, but how would I be able to live-what kind of mother would I be if I would stay?
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Jul 22, 2019 8:01 pm

Talk with your husband about specific behaviors. Focus on improving those behaviors. Everything else is secondary for purposes of your question.

Note, you certainly need to seek out some professional help to address your underlying low self esteem. I’m not denying or saying to ignore the mental issues.

What I am saying is that if your concern is your husband being fed up with your crap, don’t use your mental struggle as a “I can’t” change excuse. You can focus and work on addressing whatever behaviors you need to address.

The same applies to your son. Your son doesn’t understand depression and it is not your son’s responsibility to deal with your issues. Your behaviors, regardless of your mental issues, must focus on doing what is healthy for your son.

For example, get up every morning at 6 am or whatever time is appropriate to support your son and husband. That is a crystal clear behavior that you can accomplish. There is no, “I feel sad, so I can’t”. That is not acceptable. Fix the behavior.

Understandably what I have written is easy to type and not easy to execute. Unfortunately, that is a limitation of online forums.

It is actually a problem of online forums. People asking for advice makes them feel like they are taking steps to address a problem, when actually it is just a distraction, delaying the inevitable reality they must face.

I’m not saying asking for advice in a forum is without any value, but realistically you already know the behaviors you needed to work on before you came in here. You already know what you need to do, so do it.

The example I will leave you with is a person trying to lose weight. Before they ever enter an online forum they already know the answer. It is diet and exercise. They know it, but feel compelled to distract themselves by seeking out some new piece of wisdom. It makes them feel like they are going to make progress as they create an account and post their issue.

Anyway, good luck to you. Focus on the behaviors you need to address.
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#2

Postby toriann » Tue Jul 23, 2019 6:43 pm

I see a therapist regularly.
Its just not enough. I have this pain inside me that does not go away no matter what I do.
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#3

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Wed Jul 24, 2019 10:19 pm

Of course a therapist is not enough.

A personal trainer isn’t enough. The person still has to put in the work. The personal trainer can lay out the plan. They can even monitor you and provide encourage the 1 hour a week you are with you.

But, the personal trainer can’t do the actual work. You have to put in the work.

A therapist is the same. One provides mental help, the other physical.

Your therapist has provided you what you need to do. Do it.

You are not alone. People the world over struggle to both mentally and physically. People the world over fail to execute on the advice provided.

And plenty of people say a therapist isn’t enough. Neither is a personal trainer. Neither are sufficient.

So they avoid doing the work, seeking some new or different piece of advice, wasting time. That is where you are currently.
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#4

Postby quietvoice » Thu Jul 25, 2019 2:24 am

Depression and anxiety are endocrine gland problems.

See Dr. Morse here.
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#5

Postby nbd » Fri Jul 26, 2019 5:18 am

well said, Richard
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#6

Postby Dorothy Anne » Sat Jul 27, 2019 12:06 am

Hey toriann,

My mom used to say.. "the game's not over until its over".

Although your marriage is on the rocks right now, don't let your depressive mindset allow you to believe it will always be this way, which remember is what depression does to your mind. You can fix anything if you believe you can.

You say you are trying really hard right now. And that's great. But trying isn't quite the same as doing. It's a half effort. Also, another aspect of depression is lack of energy. So of course all you can do is try. But I'm telling you, as someone who has been in dark places and thought she ruined the most special relationship of her life, ITS NOT OVER UNTIL ITS OVER. Repeat this to yourself as much as you can. Using these powerfully positive reminders, you can break out of the depressive cycle.

You know deep down you are capable of anything, but your depression doesn't want to believe this. That's ok. Just know your depression isn't YOU. You are all light and love. It may not seem like that right now. And that's ok too.

Nothing is impossible.

Use these phrases as SOON as you wake up, throughout the day, and BEFORE you sleep:
1. I AM a strong person who is capable of anything
2. I AM a great wife and mother
3. I AM light and love.
4. I AM solving my depression
5. I AM ALIVE

Namaste,
D.
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