Married ........ but....

Postby Cisco999 » Mon Aug 05, 2019 7:44 pm

I am in a situation and am very confused. Hurt and getting depressed. My wife and best friend for the last 12 years told me she is a lesbian and wants only to be with women(. I know we had our marriage issues but who doesn’t. But this is waaay different. I am happy she feels she can finally be herself as she says she has always known. But for me total game changer. She is 20 years my junior (33,53) we have 2 daughters(10,7) and a life together. She says she was mad at herself for not being the perfect wife and resented me and hated what our relationship had become. She now admits there was never any real passion in our moments together and that hurts.
We are best friends , were before started dating and she says I’m a great guy and she loves me but I can’t give her what she needs.i am scared for the future and what it brings. For me , my children and my wife’s and I relationship. I don’t know how to rebuild a life it feels like we died. I have a really good job she’s not asking me to leave but I feel compelled to take off leaving everything behind. I’m not angry I’m stunned and frightened.
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Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Aug 05, 2019 8:17 pm

Accept, forgive...LEAVE!

There is huge social pressure by family, by mothers and fathers and friends, to get married, have children for the moral and psychological health of society. If you choose not to go down the path of marriage, you either become a nun, or deal with the penalties of society, labeling you “whore” or “spinster”.

Your wife, she has kept a secret for 12 years. She has gained wisdom in life and has now gained the strength that comes with that wisdom. She feels horrible. She loves her daughters, she cares and wants the best for you, but her biological need for love, her biological, sexual attraction is towards other women.

You have 3 options:

-1- Explain to her how homosexuality is a moral blight on society. Tell her she is to become a nun or spinster, but she is not allowed to be sexually attracted to females. See how that works out. My prediction is not very well.

-2- Try to force her to love you. Believe that social pressure to conform is not very strong and that her physical attraction to women can be educated out of her. Use guilt and and shame to make her feel horrible about what she is doing to her daughters and to you. Hold a grudge against her, hate her for her choices. Do not accept the idea that social pressure, the fear of being ostracized by society is a reason to hide the fact she is sexually attracted to women. Shake your fist at the heavens and blame her for her dishonesty, not remaining single when she had feelings towards women.

-3- Thank her for coming forward and being honest. Be honest in return. Explain how much it hurts. Explain that it sucks that she hid this from you for all this time. Yet, understand that same as you are confused, she was confused. Ask her about her journey, her struggle to gain the strength to admit to herself what she finds sexually attractive. From a position of understanding, work together to support your daughters. As they grow older, explain the difference between marriage and love, explain the historical use of marriage as a contract.

Hopefully you see option -3- as the healthiest, most productive way to move forward in life.

Note, I’m not here to give you moral advice. My advice is practical. You can’t put toothpaste back in the tube. You can wallow in the past, you can get angry, but none of that changes a damn thing moving forward.

At 53, embrace your reality. Accept, forgive, move forward. Life is too short.
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Postby Livetowin » Sat Sep 14, 2019 1:11 pm

I have tremendous sympathy for your circumstances. Unfortunately relationships and identity are allot to unpack and sadly we live in a society today that solicits this "other sex life" as the wake up call people are destined to find. I think sense of self, identity of relationships, and expectations therein carry far greater weight than this mythical awakening that says. " Its the other white meat".

When two people make a commitment, it's only as good as they know themselves. If it doesn't work, its not because of some fabled "institution" failing them. No ring or piece of legal documentation keeps you committed. All of that is emblematic and is an easy standard to ridicule when its far easier to reside in a void where you can make the same mistakes in relationships but not have to answer to the process.

So I can assure you that her having sex with you was not the underling problem to your friendship, dating life, and then subsequent marriage to her. The same disjointed reasoning that walked her through her relationship with you will fail her in the next relationship. Placing her shame and confusion on you is a cop out, especially where she seeks your sympathy for trying to suggest she feels "bad" because she was not a "proper partner". What the f*ck is that?

She can feel bad when she says some insensitive things during an argument. She can feel bad when she buys you a shirt for Christmas that doesn't fit. She can feel bad for overlooking your anniversary together. But please, PLEASE, don't let her feed you some b*llshit line about feeling "bad" with being your friend, then your love partner, then your wife, then a fellow parent, only NOW to figure out she didn't want to have sex with you. That's idiotic at best, cowardly at worst.

She's wanting out of the relationship... PERIOD. You only control yourself. Take back your life (plus the kids) and focus on that unit. She can wander off and figure out what she wants to bed from there. Maybe she'll leave her next partner for a groundhog. I bet she'll feel bad about that one too.
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