What to do with my Mother *Long read*

Postby t7pynn11 » Mon Aug 26, 2019 10:40 am

Hey there,

I have had this on my mind for a while. I have tried disecting it the best I could, but I need advice.

I will lay out my childhood, relationship with my parents, my personality a little here, so it will be a lengthy read to better understand.

I felt I had an ok childhood. Never thought of it as abusive or traumatic, felt loved by my parents, and thought of myself as a good child. I never went against my parents wishes much (until teen years where I just didn't tell them the things I was doing. Smoking, smoking weed, drinking) and it was because I respected them enough to not let them feel failure in me. I am sure there is more to it, but that is in a nutshell.

I do remember however times where my mother and father fought alot. Mom would scream at dad all the time, never was happy with anything it seemed. Always had money issues (pay check to pay check, but able to maintain owning a house and vehicle no matter how bad the vehicle would be). My mother would get in arguements with her siblings, best friends and go lengthy periods of no communication and act as if it were a "whatever, I don't care anyways" attitude. She never could be the one to break the ice, or show remorse for whatever the situations at hand would be. She was never in the wrong it would seem. I didn't really get this until I was much older of course.

Next is how it affects my relationships. I tend to be a hard fighter with my spouse (and previous relationships I was the same person as well. This would be yelling, saying things I don't really mean but use to hurt her. If she were to engage in the fight the way I was, it would then escalate even further where shoving and pinning down would be involved. Instant remorse would set in once things calmed of course and I would hate myself for how I was. Fast forward to 6 years of being together where it was like a broken record, we found a sense of how to work together. We didn't fix our issues, we just learned how to be together better. He rarely have the "bad fights" and when we do, it really impacts our relationship. After 6 years we started having children.

We now have 3 that are 4 years and under. After our first, I then started to know that I need to fix myself, my anger, my responses toward my wife. My behavior no matter what her problems were needed to be fixed. I started reading about anger and found myself being spoken about in every word it seemed. I found new coping methods and was doing really well. But like addictions, I fell out of the healthy habits. I didn't spiral, but I tend to be rude, non listening and just not working on bettering myself the way I need to for my entire family now.

This is all mentioned because I recognize how all of this harsh impact was from my childhood that I grew up thinking wasn't traumatic. These were traits straight from my mother, whom never worked on herself and is now near 60 and living the same way. She wouldn't know that she even has problems.

Anyway, I am starting again to work on myself, reading more about anger, about better parenting, how to be a better spouse and it is working. This isn't the main reason I came on here, although any help and advice is always welcome of course.

Being from New Brunswick, I moved to Manitoba to start a new life a decade ago. I left my mom and dad behind which I hadn't thought would be a problem, until I have kids of course. Mom and Dad split right at that time as well. Mom was abusive to him verbally and sometimes physically throughout their relationship and I am sure that is what made it easier to seperate himself from her and cheat on her. She took it hard, but got over it enough to speak with him friendly again when they were no longer together. She met someone new that was able to tolerate her ways and not engage in the things that would upset just about anybody. The downfall to this was that he hasn't worked a day since they have been together and living off her pretty much. It's a double edged sword when I worry about my mother being alone, broke (able to pay bills but never get ahead) or have a companion that she needs to care for.

Dad decided to retire at 58 from a regular job. He didn't have much, just got his life better on track, lived for his grand kids and friends. simple man. He turned 58 Dec 6, 2017, moved to my place Dec 19th of the same year. We were so happy to have him with us. To be a live in grandfather just as I witnessed my grandfather do with my Uncle and his kids. The bond was incredible. Valentine's day of 2018 he found out he had liver cancer, and April 6th he passed away. In this, my father left his work pension to me and my mother was to get the CPP. They were still leagally married but seperated.

During his time of passing, he was saying his goodbyes. My mother and him since on good terms flew up to say her goodbyes. She stayed nearly two weeks. During this time she was being a terrible person to my wife. For quick background, my wife is a sweet accomodating person, even when someone is going to be rude to her. She truly does not like confrontation and avoids it by being nice. Some examples: When dealing with my dad passing away, things were moving quickly. I had to take care of his will, pensions, finances, funeral plans, paliative care, and so on. I would let my brother know how things were going, but he didn't reach out much to ask. This is just who he is, so it wasn't thought of poorly. My mother would put me down to my wife saying that I wasn't doing a good enough job and was excluding my brother in this process. Keep in mind I at the time was 33 and my brother 36. Both have wives and families...we are adults, not children.

Another example. My mother never stops talking. I would have to run errands or be at the hospital with my dad. Mom would be at my house with my boys and wife. My wife would be trying to go through the motions with the boys (getting supper ready, bathtime, tantrums, attitudes) and my mother would not stop talking about random nothings and distracting her, causing anxiety. My wife wouldn't let on that this is a problem because again she doesn't want to have confrontation. My mother later lashed out saying that my wife was acting like she doesn't matter and not paying attention to her. Things like this compiled throughout her visit. She would take random jabs. Another was that we were engaged in a conversation about my sister in law. My wife stated a fact about her and my mother commented negatively against her stating that she should be nicer. The comment wasn't rude, just a matter of fact. My wife bit her tongue and went about her day, but was affected by this so she stayed more quiet and avoided being around her throughout the day. My mother approached me asking if she had a problem. I didn't deny it. I did let her know gently that she didn't like how that interaction went. My mother again reacted poorly and instantly saying she wasn't staying with us anymore and to drive her to my brothers, then she left for a walk. There was more, but I don't think I need to go into it further for you to understand the situation any better.

She ended up being horrible enough that she ws yelling and swearing in front of my children, that is when I kicked her out of my house. I had to allow her back after because my father was upset enough by all of this that he wanted us to get along until he passed and he said he didn't care if we spoke again after that.

Fast forward to after the death. I was getting things in order, contacted the pension office, and found out that my mother also made a phone call to them. Because she was legally married to him, this automatically surpassed anything he has requested and written down about having me as the benficiary. I called her and asked her why she was going against her wishes...She said she was with him for a long time and deserved it. I kept letting her know this was against his wishes and she hung up on me. I then messaged her one last time late April 2018 telling her how selfish she was being, how she is choosing money over me and my kids. I let her know his wishes were to have the money for my kids future, and that I would not be speaking to her anymore. It is now almost September 2019 and haven't spoken to her. In August 2018 she sent two gifts for my kids in the mail and asked my brother if I was going to use them. If I wasn't going to then she would stop sending gifts. I respectfully let him know that I didn't want communication to include him and he should let her know the same. This was the final interaction. Since then, I have felt that I was right in this decision. I keep telling myself that I am. however, I am struggling. Dads death anniversary, my birthday, hers, kids birthdays.. my 4 year asking about Nanny and how it has been so long since he has seen her.

The more thought I put into this, I can understand with who she is, her hard personality, her stubborness, her being poor and now having extra income... I can see how hard it would be for her to break out of this spell I have put on her. How she couldn't be the one to reach out, to apologize, to give back what she has taken, what she has chosen to have over family. This is where my struggle tends to be. I picture her getting older, sick, more questions from the kids, and it makes my heart sink. I know I am just as guilty of being stubborn right now too which is my reason for writing this for help and clarity.

Thanks for taking the time to read all of that and I hope to hear some responses.
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Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Aug 26, 2019 3:55 pm

t7pynn11 wrote:Dad decided to retire at 58 from a regular job. He turned 58 Dec 6, 2017, moved to my place Dec 19th of the same year....Valentine's day of 2018 he found out he had liver cancer, and April 6th he passed away. In this, my father left his work pension to me and my mother was to get the CPP. They were still leagally married but seperated.

Because she was legally married to him, this automatically surpassed anything he has requested and written down about having me as the benficiary. I called her and asked her why she was going against her wishes...She said she was with him for a long time and deserved it.

I let her know his wishes were to have the money for my kids future, and that I would not be speaking to her anymore.

The more thought I put into this, I can understand with who she is, her hard personality, her stubborness, her being poor and now having extra income... I can see how hard it would be for her to break out of this spell I have put on her. How she couldn't be the one to reach out, to apologize, to give back what she has taken, what she has chosen to have over family.


There are two things to consider:

-1- Is she a good relationship to have in the life of your family?

-2- Do you deserve the money?

The possible answers are (yes, yes) (yes, no) (no, yes) (no, no).

From what you posted, it sounds like you believe that no, she is not a good relationship to have in your life and that yes, you deserve the money.

I agree with you on the first point. She does not sound like a very good influence. I would continue to limit any contact. Unless you have unfairly painted a negative picture, she is not someone I would want around my wife or children.

On the second point...you are wrong. You are selfish and luckily the court system has protected what is rightfully your mothers. I don’t give a @&%@ what a man that spends one year with a another family personally wishes to do with a work pension. The work pension is not his to gift. A marriage is a contract. As a couple, all assets are combined. She devoted years...decades of her life to this contract. There is no way in hell that those decades of dedication suddenly allow one person in the contract to “gift” a significant portion without the consent of the other person.

If anyone needs to break out of a spell, it is you. How dare you believe you are owed a single dime. Are you a thief? You wish to take something from your mother that you did not earn? She made the contract with your father. You didn’t. They were married, not you. You are owed absolutely nothing. You did not earn your fathers work pension, you were not part of that contract.

Let’s put it another way. You have children and a wife. You are in a legal contract with your wife, a marriage. You two are building something together, right? You might both work, but typically one person earns more than the other. Typically, one person is dedicated more to the home while other to a career. Regardless, ultimately you are 50/50 committed to what you are building together, right? So you think, that X years from now you 100% control your work pension? You think that your wife has no say in where that money goes? You think that regardless of all the years of effort as equal partners that if you want to simply give away your pension as a gift to some charity that your “wish” should be respected. You think that she has no right to that pension? Wrong! Total, utter crap.

Luckily the legal system recognizes that when people enter a marriage contract that any fruits of that combined labor belongs to the people that actually put in the effort.
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