Moved to a new city, feel really alone

Postby Doragoniru » Sun Sep 08, 2019 3:15 am

Hey, I just moved from India to the Americas and I feel like I'm that one loner everywhere I go.
I used to have several friends in India but as soon as I got here, it's all gone.
I don't know if it's about my dressing sense, which is literally a hoodie and pants or shorts or if it's the way I look with my overly curly hair, or if I'm just being overly paranoid about this stuff. I'm an undergraduate student and was looking to get a real 'life' here.
I feel my self confidence reducing daily and I need some advice on what to do. If I should just forget about it or change something about me.
Heck, people even choose not to sit next to me in public transport even though I'm extremely hygienic and I take showers everyday. My physique isn't perfect but I'm not overweight either, let's call it a little flab, which I am doing my best to work off.
Any feedback is much appreciated and I thank you for reading this.
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Postby Candid » Sun Sep 08, 2019 9:17 am

Doragoniru wrote:I used to have several friends in India but as soon as I got here, it's all gone.

Well yes, that's what happens when you change location. Did you think your Indian friends would be waiting in America to greet you?

I suggest you focus on your studies, be friendly to the people around you and offer help where you can.

Ignore the reactions of people on public transport. Read a book, make notes, look out the window and/or listen to music.

College is, as far as I know, the easiest place to make friends. Tutors love to get people into pairs or small groups for specific projects or discussions. You may find these friendships end after college as you all set off in different career directions, but they'll improve life right now.

Your clothes sound right for student life (ie. whatever feels comfortable) and you aren't physically repellant, so please stop looking for reasons why people aren't approaching you. You can approach them any time you like, knowing that IF they blow your off, it's their problem.

... was looking to get a real 'life' here.

If you didn't have a 'life' there it was probably unrealistic to expect an immediate one 'here'. You sound shy and lacking in self-esteem, things that can be changed with practice. I wish you well.
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Postby GalmOne » Fri Nov 29, 2019 7:04 pm

If people don't sit next to you, don't worry, they don't hate you or anything, that's just a cultural difference. In India, it's normal for people to sit and stand close to each other on public transport, while in the US and in Europe, people will only do so if they have no choice; if they have any other solution, they will not sit next to someone else.
It's purely cultural, no disgust towards you here.
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Postby mattc831 » Sun Dec 01, 2019 7:06 pm

I just wanted to say good luck with your future endeavors. I can’t even begin to understand the culture shock. Just know everything you have state is COMPLETELY NORMAL. Practice self love affirmations and meditate on love and compassion. Like others have said, people aren’t sitting next to you because they dislike you, or you dress funny, or smell...they genuinely want to be left alone by everyone and/or are shy/nervous themselves. People would rather shelter themselves from the world, hide in a cocoon, than to be rejected. Good luck, I’m confident you’ll find the support you need. You are beautiful.
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Postby KenEmpowered » Tue Dec 03, 2019 4:24 am

Hey buddy, sorry I got here a few months late. Mindset & Development Coach here, and can confirm to you many clients have similar struggles - on a different scale (moving to a new state in their country, having to move for a new job and leaving their hometown behind), but still similar.

My recommendations?

1) Seek to be curious. You are in a new world, so your mind will constantly try to see if you are safe in a new environment (a survival mechanism). Shift your mindset to understand all the unique intricacies of this new country, and ask questions. Make the first move in a conversation in line at Starbucks. Even small talk. Smile when someone responds to you. Even thanking your cashier by name, wishing them a nice day, may be a nice start. The energy you bring (anxious and closed vs open and curious) is often reciprocated.

2) Join Meetup - an online community for local groups, and sign up for group activities and clubs in your area that you like. Go to the events that you can find, and try to meet and talk to people. It will be hard at first, but if you engage and go up to people, some will stick. Share your background and ask about theirs.

3) Don't overthink. You're extrapolating too much about where people sit on the train. These things don't really mean much at all. It's not worth your time to overthink this; rather, focus on having good interactions with people where you can and build up your confidence and comfort with other people.

Let me know if you have any questions.

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Postby Tom Dolton » Wed Dec 09, 2020 7:52 pm

Try to sign up for a section. Say if you are into Jiu-jitsu then it would be great to find some section in the city and attend it.
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