I don't know what to do...

Postby EttieTheYettie » Wed Sep 25, 2019 10:56 pm

In 2015, I was introduced to my partner through friends. We were introduced as I was meant to be his date to his school ball and his to mine. After 1 week of knowing each other, we shared our first kiss (my first kiss) and after 2 weeks we were going out. We were obsessed with each other back then and would see each other nearly every day and he spent a lot of nights at my house (secretly, my parent didn't know).

I moved to a different city the following year for university and we did long distance. He would come down to visit nearly every second weekend and we called nearly every night. That year was tough and we hated the long distance. At the end of the year we decided either he was to move to the city I was in or we break up. Well he moved down to be with me and we flatted with 3 other people the following year.

The first year we lived together had many ups and down. We were fine and loved living together, we just hated the people we lived with and they made our lives hell. We were lucky to have each other that year to support each other through the hard times. He intended to do an apprenticeship when he moved but we struggled to fine one, so he worked various labouring jobs and gained lots of experience through them. He injured himself partway through the year and it put him off work for a while but we got through it.

The following year we first intended to live together in our own place and had signed up for a house. He was then given a work offer back in his home town and I encourged him to take it as it was a good opportunity. We gave up the house we signed for and I searched for somewhere for me to live. I ended up moving in with a friend who luckily had a spare room. My partner was meant to move back at the end of the year but had some loose ends to tie up at his work so had to stay down in the city for the start of the year. I asked my friend if he could live with us for a short time while he sorted things out. A short while actually ended up being until the end of August that year. He had given up on the job offer and wanted to stay with me. His current job also went belly up and stopped offering him work. He was jobless for nearly 2 months and I was paying for everything for the two of us (while I worked 2 part time jobs and full time university).

Things were getting tough by August and he wasn't happy. He decided to move back home with his Dad so he could get himself together. We agreed to do long distance for now as it wasnt long till I would be home for the Summer. Things didn't go so good for him in the first few days as he doesn't get along that well with his Dad and Step-Mum. I told him to move in with his grandparents as they would take care of him in the mean time. He discussed about wanting to move back to me and I told him to wait for now and we can decided about that for the following year.

He decided he wanted to move back to me and I encouraged him to enrol in a course he might like. That Summer was tough as I was working fulltime, he did manage to get a job but was fired from it after a month due to his depression getting bad and he wouldn't turn up to work or return calls. I tried really hard to help him and kept saying things would be good once we move back and he starts his course.

That brings us to this year. We had a major set back at the start of the year as the house we were meant to move into was flooded 2 weeks prior to us moving in. We managed to stay with family member and strangers for a while until we found a new place. We found a new house that was even super close to where his course was which was really handy. From the begining of the year he struggled to go to his course and only managed to go a few times a week even if that. After a few weeks his teachers asked if he would like to be removed from the course so he can sort himself first and then think about studing the following year. He left the course and then just started staying at home all day. His depression and anxiety was so bad he hardly did anything for a while. He would sleep most of the day, hardly eat, water TV and play games and stay up to the early hours of the mornining. The put a huge strain on the relationship as again I was doing everthing (working 2 jobs, full time university, paying for everything, cleaning, driving, etc.).

I started to distance myself I think for a while as I was so stressed with everything and nothing made me happy. We were in a mundan routine and it was boring. It seemed like he started to get better a few months ago. He started working for Uber Eats which meant he would work when he wanted which was a good stepping stone to getting back to work. Things were good for a few weeks and then they dropped again. He stopped working most days and was receiving less money. As nearly a mirror image to the previous year he decided it would he good for him to move back home and sort himself out properly this time.

In this decision, we thought about our relationship. We didn't want to do long distance again and knew it was best if we had time to really focus on ourselves. It was hard to come to the terms but I knew it was for the better as we were becoming to get frustarted with each other and it would only turn bad if we continued.

We hardly spoke for the first 2 weeks after he had moved out. I was very busy with work and study and didn't want to bother him. From my understanding, I thought we had seperated (we didn't call it a breakup as we didn't like the sound of it and both agreed to it, it was more of a mutal understanding). Since he had moved out I have felt less stressed and have saved so much more money as I only have to pay for me and am not spending it on unnecessary things. The other day we were talking and he felt he had made a horrible decision moving away and letting the one person he truely loves get away. I also mented that I might be moving to the city he is in for study next year and I think it made him think about us getting back together. He had mentioned it a few times in the past few days and I don't know how to feel.

I don't understand my emotions at the moment and don't know what I want. I do love him and care about him but I am questioning if I want to be with him. We spent 4 years together, so of course I have feelings for him but I don't know if they are like what they used to be. I have felt less stressed since him not being around but that was because he was causing a lot of the issues. He has said he would do anything for me and just want to be with him, everything he wants mentions me in it. And I don't know if I feel the same way back. I have only ever been in 1 relationship and he is the only person I have done things with. How can I know I truely love him if I have never experienced anything else? I am not wanting to go out and be with a ton of different people, I just feel like I need some comparisons. We agreed to pause things at the moment as I need space to think about things. We decided to talk about it when I will be back home for the Summer at the end of October. I don't know how I feel currently. I don't want t just get back with him becuase it is the easy option and becuase I know him, and I don't want t just settle because with him because we have history. But I am also extremely self-concious and have low self-esteem, and the thought of 1. being able to find someone else that would like me back seems impossible, and 2. the thought of being intimate with someone else also scares me so much. But I don't want to just settle back with him because my fears are holding me back from experiencing an even better possible relationship.

I don't know how I feel right now or what I want. I am hoping that my feelings become clearer when I next see him and I will have a gut instinct on what to do. But any advice is welcome. I am truely stuck in my head at the moment and going round in circles.
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Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Thu Sep 26, 2019 12:15 pm

Do not see him again. That stops the circle.

I can appreciate 4 years. One way to frame 4 years is that it is an investment. But, what did you invest in? What do you do with that investment?

You also made an investment in university for roughly 4 years. That was a good investment. You learn something of value and can use that knowledge to further a positive direction in life.

Your relationship was a bad investment. But, like university you can use that knowledge to further a positive direction in life. It is positive in that you learned something of value. You learned that “love” clouds our judgments. You stayed and continue to stay with a boy that struggles to grow up.

You have grown over the last 4 years. He has not. You recognize your low self esteem. You recognize and my guess is that you are willing to put in the work to learn and to improve. You will not make the same mistake with your next relationship.

He is not the same. He recognizes his issues, but he is destined to repeat his problems. He runs from his problems. He will make small efforts that last a short time and then give up. He isn’t going to put in the work.

You do not want this boy. You are not the same woman from 4 years ago. You have learned, you have grown. You can still care about him and wish him a good future. But, it is time for you to wish him the best and move on.
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