Is it anxiety? Out of love and confused


Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Sep 30, 2019 5:42 pm

Okay, maybe I have placed too much weight on your mention of there being nothing to lose because of "preparing to move out". That sounded imminent if not in the process. In your most recent reply it does not sound like moving out, but living together as friends.

There is a big difference between her telling you not to do boyfriend things and not knowing anything and "twice she has tried to get the relationship going again".

In a text based forum assumptions will be made. We don't have the information that you have and we only get your personal perspective. We must fill in the blanks, the huge gaps. This requires taking small fragments you have provided and tying them together to develop reasonable assumptions. For example, it is reasonable that the miscarriage is not "the cause".

I guess where I am not clear is that you paint a sort of two-sided picture that is not that easy to reconcile. On one side you say there is nothing to lose because you are at the end in preparation to move out and telling you not to act like a boyfriend. Yet then you say she has tried twice to reconcile. Those two narratives seem at odds to me.

How much longer before one of you moves out? Or did I take that too literally?
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Postby quietvoice » Mon Sep 30, 2019 5:49 pm

Limb0 wrote:(1) is there really an issue though, with me if waiting and giving her time? How is that relevent to me starting this thread looking for some insight or advice? . . .

(2) I'm possibly about to lose everything I care for,

(3) and I find myself getting insensitive and hostile responses on here, some of what has been suggested has beaen helpful, but you guys seem to have a slightly callous approach, maybe it's all lost in translation, I'm from the UK, perhaps we're not so blunt, and perhaps also we don't just jump to making assumptions.

-1- Re: my post/reply#27 . . . If you know that you are staying with her no matter what, then what are you asking here? That is where I'm coming from. She may possibly leave you. Or not, if she's waiting for you to make the first move. Maybe things will eventually blow over, and you'll have your good times again. How are strangers on the Internet supposed to know the answer for your particular instance?

-2- Do you care about yourself at all? Or is your self-worth, self-image, self-whatever, all tied up in having this relationship with her? Are you so much the doting partner that you don't know yourself outside of this relationship? Is that why you aren't taking yourself seriously enough to leave, and to get to know yourself and let a suitable partner enter your life?

-3- You had some helpful responses. Good. Take what works for you and leave the rest.

I also suggested that the endocrine gland system might need attending to. Actually, that is an almost universal condition. We, as the human race, have brought down our natural energies to such a degree that nearly everyone has some level of missing out on the joy of life.

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Postby Candid » Wed Oct 02, 2019 7:35 am

quietvoice wrote:I have noticed about myself that whenever I've been in love, if I lose that feeling about the other person, it's over. There's no going back.

Amen, sister. Sad but true. With the best will in the world, you can't bring it back.

I've thought about it, made some suggestions as to what would please me... then stopped the rehab effort, because I realise beyond a shadow of a doubt that what I want is a whole nother person. It's not my fault, it's not his fault, it just is what it is.
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Postby Candid » Wed Oct 02, 2019 7:51 am

Limb0 wrote: A friend of mine, his wife; she suffered post natal depression with their first child, she told my friend she no longer loved him, they somehow got through and now they have two more kids, go figure.

This is the person to talk to. Even better if your wife could have a heart-to-heart, or several heart-to-hearts, with the guy's wife. She's been through it and come out the other side. But talk to this friend, ask about his feelings while his partner seemed to be indifferent to him but was merely confused.

Like quietvoice, I'm an older, childless woman (I prefer child-free, because it was a conscious choice). I can't know how it feels to want a baby so much, and therefore what an ordeal miscarriage would be. But your friend's wife knows.

From my own experience, when I'm falling out of love (for want of a more apt phrase), seeing the man doing cartwheels and backflips trying to figure out what the hell I want just makes me feel guilty -- and then angry at him for 'making' me feel guilty when all I want to do is concentrate on figuring out what the hell I want.

Your wife is probably terrified of you leaving her when she's still grieving for the lost baby. It is grief. A grieving person doesn't have any leftover energy to attend to someone else. She wants to withdraw into herself for a while. She threatens to leave only because you're too much in her face with your own distress about the relationship.

Take a step back. Several steps back. Go quiet and thoughtful yourself. Look after your own interests and accept, for the time being, that she's asking for space. Withdraw as much as you can, as if you were already single again. If there's any waiting to be done, you're the man to do it.

Let her see you preparing yourself for life without her. This isn't game-playing, because it may (or may not!) be necessary. Do the prep anyway. Stop trying to get into her head.

IOW, lay off and wait for her to come to you.

Best wishes.
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