Crisis, Disability, and Mental Illness

Postby janfow457 » Sun Oct 27, 2019 1:29 am

Good Day,

I am a 38 year old obese female who has a learning disability and a neurological disorder which affects my vision and memory periodically. I have 2 university degrees and a college diploma in various disciplines. I am chronically under-employed, however, due mostly to disability descrimination in the workplace. I am self-employed currently as a disability services professional.

My partner is a 47 year old male, who I heavily suspect has a learning disability (memory and executive functioning issues). He is a PHD student at a local university. He has never been employed, except for underemployment in fields unrelated to his schooling. He has chronic health issues as well (Irritable Bowel Syndrome, and Erectile Dysfunction issues). I also suspect he is on the Autism spectrum (Asperger's).

Relationship: I have known my partner for 15 years. We had a 9 year gap between two romantic relationships. Our current relationship has been going on for 4.5 years. We are unmarried and do not have children. The reason we have stayed together is a mutual understanding that we have no external, long-term supports. Both of our families have abandoned us.

8 weeks ago, I was the victim of violent crime. Since then, I have had to flee my home. I am now living in a 350 sq ft bachelor pad with my partner.
I am currently seeking housing and employment supports.

My issue is the ongoing mental, emotional, and physically exhaustion I am dealing with, largely due to my partner. He has always had issues with perfectionism, OCD, and low self esteem; however, I am finding our living and relationship issues overwhelming. Since moving in, I have observed in full, the unfortunate reality of his inability to live successfully independently. He is unable to cook a meal, make a bed, or keep to a basic bedtime. He does not have any living family to assist in his care or support.

Since moving in temporarily, I have begun to observe the onset of more and more regressive behavior on his part. Granted, tensions have been high, however, I am noticing a lack of self care, an unwillingness to be taught basic life skills, and risk taking behavior which he routinely defends and rationalizes. I constantly have to explain and legitimize every single decision I make for myself, and his well-being. I am emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausted.

I am wondering a number of things:

1. Once I am into stable housing again, should I leave this relationship? How do I abandon someone who has no way to survive without help?

2. Why is this person constantly supporting and defending their own failure? He claims he is not suicidal. His actions communicate an unwillingness to invest in his own survival - but when I speak to him, he says he's alive due to my ongoing emotional support.

2. If I do choose to leave him, in the meantime how do I cope? (I literally cannot use the bathroom or shop for food without having to explain why.)

Thank you reading and commenting.
janfow457
New Member
 
Posts: 2
Joined: Sat Oct 26, 2019 11:51 pm
Likes Received: 0


#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Oct 28, 2019 3:13 am

janfow457 wrote:I am wondering a number of things:

1. Once I am into stable housing again, should I leave this relationship? How do I abandon someone who has no way to survive without help?


Do not worry. He survived for 40+ years before you arrived. You are not the sole reason that he lives or dies.

2. Why is this person constantly supporting and defending their own failure? He claims he is not suicidal. His actions communicate an unwillingness to invest in his own survival - but when I speak to him, he says he's alive due to my ongoing emotional support.


He has invested in his own survival. He guilts another person into sticking around by telling them they are the reason for his life. If you were struck by lightning tomorrow he would be fine. He would move on and find another person to guilt to make his life more tolerable.

2. If I do choose to leave him, in the meantime how do I cope? (I literally cannot use the bathroom or shop for food without having to explain why.)


So he physically assaults you? You did not mention that he was using violence to compel you to speak. Or is “literally” not accurate? Is it really the case that you can leave the apartment without saying a word and go do whatever you damn well please, but you choose to be guilted into providing an explanation?

My guess is that it is not literal, but rather you feel guilt.

It sounds like a codependent relationship. When you leave you cope by either (1) finding it within yourself not to believe that you are so important in the life of this other person as to be the only way they will survive or (2) go seek professional therapy and allow them to give you the good news.

The bottom line, the actual place to focus your attention is on your own faulty beliefs. He doesn’t need you to live. You just happen to be willing to be codependent with him.
User avatar
Richard@DecisionSkills
MVP
MVP
 
Posts: 10584
Joined: Sat Dec 08, 2012 2:25 am
Likes Received: 1084

#2

Postby janfow457 » Mon Oct 28, 2019 3:26 am

Thank you for this insight.
janfow457
New Member
 
Posts: 2
Joined: Sat Oct 26, 2019 11:51 pm
Likes Received: 0



Return to Relationships