Thought of a person.

Postby nakoj » Mon Nov 11, 2019 12:00 pm

Hello everyone,

long story short:

I had a pretty hard time living away from my girlfriend for 2 and a half years, and during that time, I fell in love with another in the new city, then, a year later all hell broke loose, we broke up, and the other girl went with another man. From then on, 2 and a half years of inner sadness has passed.

The latter girl sends me occasional Happy Birthday messages, when I did not send her some before (I have cut all contact since she told me she is with another man). Today is my birthday, and I got a message stating "Happy birthday, and I hope you get brave enough to pursue whatever you want in life and go get it". This from my point of view is a complete bugger and an act of rudeness.

I am currently in a happy relationship with a new girl for about one year, but I have been thinking about this previous girl for 3 years now. And the message today got me crapped up, and it is my birthday.

How can one deal with this? It keeps going and going.
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Nov 11, 2019 2:29 pm

nakoj wrote: How can one deal with this? It keeps going and going.


There is something about you that is unable to process a happy bday message as being other than rude.

Let’s say that a person that truly hated you sent a message, “happy bday and hope your day sucks”. The history with this person is without a doubt someone that is sending the message to remind you how much they hate you.

What would you do?

I would slough it off. It would not bother me as it is expected. Of course a person that hates me will send a hateful message. Why would they not send me a hateful message? They hate me.

Another person sends the message that they hope you get brave enough. That obviously implies you are not brave. Definitely a rude implication on your bday.

What do you do? Apparently it bothers you to the point that you go into a forum asking for advice.

Me? I would slough it off. It is a message from a person that considers you weak...not brave enough. Is that so unexpected? Of course not. That’s what they think. It isn’t hateful, it is just them wishing you the best in a not so complimentary way.

Should they know better? Maybe. But is their lack of insight into how to wish you happy birthday really the problem? No. Obviously not.

The real problem is your thought process. Either -1- there is some truth that stings in the message or -2- you have not yet engaged in life to the point that some minor comment does not negatively impact you.
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#2

Postby nakoj » Mon Nov 11, 2019 2:33 pm

Hey Richard,

no, there is no stinginess in my pulse reading that message, just the thought that she is still thinking about me 2 and a half years since we talked in person for the last time (no chats, nothing from then on).

She is in a happy relationship with a fairly rich guy, and yet she still finds the time to contact me. This really annoys me. Even though I am sloughing it off.
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#3

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Nov 11, 2019 2:46 pm

nakoj wrote: This really annoys me.


Why? I do not understand. What is she supposed to do? Pretend like you do not exist?
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#4

Postby nakoj » Mon Nov 11, 2019 2:52 pm

Yes, we agreed for her to never contact me again two years and a half back, but since then, this is the second time she is wishing me a happy birthday. And I have not, under any circumstance contacted her throughout that period.

I simply answer with thanks.
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#5

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Nov 11, 2019 3:00 pm

If it is so annoying and important enough to write about in an anonymous forum, what stops you from just blocking her?
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#6

Postby nakoj » Mon Nov 11, 2019 3:03 pm

This is the mysterious part about the human brain. Someone did you wrong, you blocked him off everywhere, then you get a text from the other person and some stupid thoughts (being together again) jump in.

This is why I asked how to get over this.
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#7

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Nov 11, 2019 3:17 pm

nakoj wrote:This is why I asked how to get over this.


You get over it by actively moving on and engaging fully in life.

Had you been highly productive over the last two years, engaging in projects, creating new relationships, building something of value, participating in various activities that immersed you in life then upon receiving the message it would have quickly been dismissed. You would have been too busy and had other priorities in life. You would not have had time to waste. It would have been you heading off to the next meeting or reading the next chapter, etc.

The only way it is something still lingering is because you have not yet fully focused forward. A significant, unhealthy part of you is still living in the past. You are not filling up your day. You are not engaging to your full capacity.

Why?

That is how you get over it. You figure out why you are not yet fully engaged in your future and then begin working on that side of the equation.
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#8

Postby MarcosUve » Sat Nov 30, 2019 6:06 pm

Very good question and awesome answers.
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