Is it my fault to talk about "meaningless" topics?

Postby Hamming » Sat Nov 16, 2019 7:54 am

Hello,

yesterday when talking with my friend and watching sports on TV, I saw how they make sports tournaments with various countries like Russia who are not nice to other countries. They can get along well in sports. I thought if they can get along well in sporst, why then not in all areas? why need wars?

And my friends friend exited the room. My friend said I talk meaningless things and he got annoyed and so walks away.

For me it is not meaningless. I want world to be nice place. And I want to have interesting discussion. And I feel guilty as if I did bad something to a guy by just wanting to have interesting discussion. Feels like he is a**hole. He is only smart by saying nothing and if I try to start interesting topic - my topic is "meaningless" and annoying.

But I need to understand more. Maybe I am wrong and I annoy many people by talking "meanningless stuff" and so have diffficult time talking to them and having fear of telling something wrong.
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sat Nov 16, 2019 6:32 pm

Hamming,

If two people are talking sports and you offer something about politics, even if potentially related, then it might piss off at least one person if not more.

There are some people that no matter what the topic always try to connect a “more important” topic. They interject and take the topic off course.

Do this often enough and people start avoiding you. They don’t want to talk to you because you derail the topic.

I’m basing my response on all of your threads and our previous interactions. You want to be liked so you try to force it. You can’t bring yourself to just be quiet and listen. You feel uncomfortable just listening, but you don’t know much about the topic of discussion so you jump in and offer up a “meaningless” tangent. This gets old.

In this case you were there to watch sports. You were there to discuss sports. It was not the correct time to begin discussing how sports can lead to world peace.
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#2

Postby Hamming » Sat Nov 16, 2019 7:14 pm

For me it felt that it was kind of boring to watch that sport, I mean feels like we were watching because there is TV in the room and maybe nothing else better to watch, not like because we really get there to watch the sport. And if I was not talking it felt like there is much silence then.

So in this case it is bad to start new topics? This stuff looks very complicated. Most interesting discussions look like when we talk whats on the mind at the moment, not what tv is showing.

Actually I came to there not to only watch sports, but have discussion, not only about sports but about anything interesting. So it is not true that we came there to watch and discuss only sports.
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#3

Postby quietvoice » Sat Nov 16, 2019 7:43 pm

Hamming wrote:And my friends friend exited the room. My friend said I talk meaningless things and he got annoyed and so walks away.

Perhaps they are simply not the people for you to hang around if you are looking for more than they are capable of offering you.
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#4

Postby Hamming » Sat Nov 16, 2019 8:05 pm

quietvoice wrote:
Hamming wrote:And my friends friend exited the room. My friend said I talk meaningless things and he got annoyed and so walks away.

Perhaps they are simply not the people for you to hang around if you are looking for more than they are capable of offering you.


The problem is that I have only few people to hang out with :) and that is probably because of my problems. Maybe I should try to get to know more new people and from more people I could choose from.

But still in life other people manage to get along with most people and so they dont have to suffer. I need to learn in case I am in a situation where I am between people who I cannot choose to be with or not.
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#5

Postby quietvoice » Sat Nov 16, 2019 8:20 pm

Hamming wrote:But still in life other people manage to get along with most people and so they dont have to suffer.

Getting along with someone, and having friends with whom you can have mutually beneficial conversations are two different things.

Hamming wrote: I need to learn in case I am in a situation where I am between people who I cannot choose to be with or not.

If the case is such that you'd rather not be around the people in whatever current situation you find yourself, what is the point of interjecting your opinions about anything whatsoever?

If you do find yourself in that situation, and you become friendly for the sake of being friendly, doing so requires that you become interested in them, and not make it about you and your opinions, until you find that they might actually be interested in what you have to say. You go first (in being interested), is the principle here.
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#6

Postby Hamming » Sat Nov 16, 2019 10:00 pm

If the case is such that you'd rather not be around the people in whatever current situation you find yourself, what is the point of interjecting your opinions about anything whatsoever?


if I understand you well, the point maybe is to be not silent ? Like not being the one who has not right to talk. Does not feel well if I someone else has rights to talk whatever they want and I don't. Not sure now. Would need some exact situation. But this situation is bit diferent. There was a friend who I like to be around, just her friend does not feel good to be around anymore.

If you do find yourself in that situation, and you become friendly for the sake of being friendly, doing so requires that you become interested in them, and not make it about you and your opinions, until you find that they might actually be interested in what you have to say. You go first (in being interested), is the principle here.

yea, this sounds familiar.

I dont know if I can apply this in the situation yesterday. It was like if I dont talk something, then nobody talks, just tv and her friend with his daughter talk to each other. So I feel like I have to talk something, otherwise why I even get there if we dont talk.
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#7

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sat Nov 16, 2019 10:56 pm

Hamming wrote:...otherwise why I even get there if we dont talk.


It is not about you.

Learn to listen. Learn to ask questions that are related to the discussion.

If no one is talking and you want to talk, then ask questions about things going on in their life. Ask about their work. Ask about their family.

Do not just introduce a random topic because you do not like silence.
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#8

Postby tokeless » Sun Nov 17, 2019 7:54 am

We have two ears and one mouth... If you try and make people listen to what interests you, that is important to you because you think it is, then they will decide to ignore you.. Develop some insight about how you interact with your friends.
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#9

Postby Hamming » Sun Nov 17, 2019 8:08 am

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:
Hamming wrote:...otherwise why I even get there if we dont talk.


It is not about you.

Learn to listen. Learn to ask questions that are related to the discussion.

If no one is talking and you want to talk, then ask questions about things going on in their life. Ask about their work. Ask about their family.

Do not just introduce a random topic because you do not like silence.


When I do, it often is nothing new about their life and their work, and talk ends quickly. Of ocurse I can ask and have this short talk. And then lets say is silence, because she has nothing more to tell. What then?
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#10

Postby Hamming » Sun Nov 17, 2019 8:29 am

tokeless wrote:We have two ears and one mouth... If you try and make people listen to what interests you, that is important to you because you think it is, then they will decide to ignore you.. Develop some insight about how you interact with your friends.


Its weird. From the experience it looks that my topics more often bring interesting discussions, at least she is not ignoring me most often.

For me even it feels like that she gets bored with her friend and so she meets with me. Otherwise why she even meets with me. She has friends without me. I think I treat her more respectfully than her friend, who in my eyes looks like a**hole to her, even when she says they love each other.

Maybe I am wrong and thinking too good about me, but this is just how it fees in my mind.
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#11

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sun Nov 17, 2019 2:29 pm

Hamming wrote: When I do, it often is nothing new about their life and their work, and talk ends quickly. Of ocurse I can ask and have this short talk. And then lets say is silence, because she has nothing more to tell. What then?


Then you offer up a discussion on how sports can end war, because YOU do not like silence and it is what makes YOU feel comfortable....

It is all about YOU.

People give you short answers or tell you that nothing new is going on in their life because they know that you do not actually care about them. YOU are so concerned about YOU that they just have gotten tired of it. Why tell you about anything new when you are only concern is how the conversation will make you look or feel.

Learn how to genuinely care about what is going on in the lives of other people. Learn to listen. Learn to ask open ended follow up questions. Learn to be a friend.
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#12

Postby Hamming » Sun Nov 17, 2019 3:01 pm

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:
Hamming wrote: When I do, it often is nothing new about their life and their work, and talk ends quickly. Of ocurse I can ask and have this short talk. And then lets say is silence, because she has nothing more to tell. What then?


Then you offer up a discussion on how sports can end war, because YOU do not like silence and it is what makes YOU feel comfortable....

It is all about YOU.

People give you short answers or tell you that nothing new is going on in their life because they know that you do not actually care about them. YOU are so concerned about YOU that they just have gotten tired of it. Why tell you about anything new when you are only concern is how the conversation will make you look or feel.

Learn how to genuinely care about what is going on in the lives of other people. Learn to listen. Learn to ask open ended follow up questions. Learn to be a friend.



I thought others also dont like silence and might start not feel comfortable after some time. Or espcially if if I come to their flat there is silence, finnaly she thinkgs its too long silence and starts asking me something, I say one word and again sit silent. I think she might think - "whats wrong with him, why he even came if he does talk this way".

Not sure what do you mean, by genuinelly care what is going on in the lives of other people. I think I care very much and I am even afraid to ask so that they would not think its not my business. If feels like I might be annoying if I want to know too much. Like my other friend - if I suggest meet on weekend, he just says he is busy. I care what is he doing, why is he busy but I am afraid to ask because if he did not tell it himself, maybe he wants to hide it. Like he might feel controlled like parents ask kids where do you go and kids dont like to tell.
I browse various people facebook pages because I care about how they are doing, what they are doing. I am very interested :) even in those people who are not my friends, but were classmates and so on.
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#13

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sun Nov 17, 2019 3:18 pm

Hamming wrote:Not sure what do you mean, by genuinelly care what is going on in the lives of other people. I think I care very much and I am even afraid to ask so...


So instead of getting over your fear you bring up how sports can bring world peace?

They recently discovered planets very similar to earth in nearby galaxies. Still they are way to far to explore with current technologies. Maybe one day it will help solve over population.
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#14

Postby Hamming » Sun Nov 17, 2019 3:27 pm

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:
Hamming wrote:Not sure what do you mean, by genuinelly care what is going on in the lives of other people. I think I care very much and I am even afraid to ask so...


So instead of getting over your fear you bring up how sports can bring world peace?

They recently discovered planets very similar to earth in nearby galaxies. Still they are way to far to explore with current technologies. Maybe one day it will help solve over population.



Yes. I think we dont need to get over every fear. Like if the getting over fear will do more harm than good, then not worth to get over it, is it? I did not try much to get over this fear because I though if I do, I might piss my friend by asking what is not of my business.

And that is interesing that they discovered planets similar to earth :) I would like to see if there is some life and how advanced they are. But if they are too advanced and not good, then they might come here and do something bad to us one day.
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