Is it my fault to talk about "meaningless" topics?

#15

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sun Nov 17, 2019 4:41 pm

Hamming wrote:And that is interesing that they discovered planets similar to earth :) I would like to see if there is some life and how advanced they are. But if they are too advanced and not good, then they might come here and do something bad to us one day.


True. Or maybe it results in new discoveries that can help make chocolate taste sweeter. It would be like Willie Wonka. Or maybe a new type of music that we can taste.
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#16

Postby quietvoice » Sun Nov 17, 2019 5:34 pm

Would you characterize your time spent with those you consider your friends to be mostly time spent silent?

While there is nothing wrong with silence per se, if most of your time is spent not talking, not getting to know about the other, the underlying reason for that might be something worth exploring.
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#17

Postby Hamming » Sun Nov 17, 2019 7:32 pm

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:
Hamming wrote:And that is interesing that they discovered planets similar to earth :) I would like to see if there is some life and how advanced they are. But if they are too advanced and not good, then they might come here and do something bad to us one day.


True. Or maybe it results in new discoveries that can help make chocolate taste sweeter. It would be like Willie Wonka. Or maybe a new type of music that we can taste.


:D
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#18

Postby Hamming » Sun Nov 17, 2019 7:40 pm

quietvoice wrote:Would you characterize your time spent with those you consider your friends to be mostly time spent silent?

While there is nothing wrong with silence per se, if most of your time is spent not talking, not getting to know about the other, the underlying reason for that might be something worth exploring.


If I am left alone with her friend, then most of the time is silent. I do not want to even ask why he is silent because I expect he will be annoyed by the question. He is also silent when we are 3 and when she asks him to talk something he tells her to not annoy him.

With her - if I talk "meaningless" topics, we are not silent, there is much to talk. But if I would skipt what is in my head, then would be more silence I believe. Btw I asked how to know if it is meaningless, and she told me that meaningless is when the answer is known even without question. It means I am too dumb, I have questions which I should find answer by myself without asking her :)
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#19

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Nov 18, 2019 12:15 am

Hamming wrote::D


Exactly. The same type of reaction happens when you bring up random topics just to avoid silence.

The same as you didn’t respond to my random comment about chocolate, other people don’t respond to your comments about sports and world peace.
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#20

Postby Hamming » Mon Nov 18, 2019 7:32 pm

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:
Hamming wrote::D


Exactly. The same type of reaction happens when you bring up random topics just to avoid silence.

The same as you didn’t respond to my random comment about chocolate, other people don’t respond to your comments about sports and world peace.


I dont think its the same as in that situation which I described. Here we are activelly discussing. And in my situation we were watching tv and not actively discussing, no one had anything interesting to say on the topic. Tv purpose felt like to fill the silence.

Plus I did not have anything to add to your comment about chocolate, you did not ask any question.
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#21

Postby Candid » Tue Nov 19, 2019 8:53 am

Hamming wrote:I thought others also dont like silence and might start not feel comfortable after some time.


Often when people go quiet it's because they're struggling with strong feelings. If you immediately launch in with a new topic, they're going to feel worse.

If you can paraphrase the last thing they said, you demonstrate that you're listening and have understood. IOW, it's about being a good listener, one who cares, just as Richard suggests.

I am even afraid to ask so that they would not think its not my business. If feels like I might be annoying if I want to know too much.


As above, it's about truly listening. Use sensitivity instead of changing the subject.

I care what is he doing, why is he busy but I am afraid to ask because if he did not tell it himself, maybe he wants to hide it. Like he might feel controlled like parents ask kids where do you go and kids dont like to tell.


Or he might have had sufficient experience of your conversation to know that if he tells you, he's going to feel worse.

I browse various people facebook pages because I care about how they are doing, what they are doing. I am very interested :) even in those people who are not my friends, but were classmates and so on.


This is more like spying than caring. True, if people post something on facebook it's up for grabs -- but it's a bit weird to be contacted by someone who knows all about you if you haven't seen them for years.
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#22

Postby Hamming » Tue Nov 19, 2019 6:34 pm

Often when people go quiet it's because they're struggling with strong feelings. If you immediately launch in with a new topic, they're going to feel worse.


I don't get why they should feel worse if I start new topic when there is no talk. If they have some bad feelings, new topic might make forget those feelings.

If you can paraphrase the last thing they said, you demonstrate that you're listening and have understood. IOW, it's about being a good listener, one who cares, just as Richard suggests.


Yea, many times read that I need to be good listener. I am trying to, earlier when I did not know this, I did not even try. Plus people look like most succesfull who talk the most and loudest so they show example how to be most succesful and they teached me to try this looks like.

I thought I am listening enough, because she usually does not complain. Especially when with her it feels like I dont have to follow all those rules so stricly which is why I like talking to her the most from my friends I guess.

I think I want to find some friends who I can talk free without rules, and then think in my mind about others "**** you", you are not as good so I will only talk to you if I will have free time. Or minimally to keep the connection. But currently I dont have such luxury. Maybe I will not find such friends, maybe all have those rules.

Or he might have had sufficient experience of your conversation to know that if he tells you, he's going to feel worse.

Maybe, so still if I ask how he spent weeked, then I might make feel him worse? Which is not good.
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#23

Postby Candid » Thu Nov 21, 2019 10:33 am

Hamming wrote:I don't get why they should feel worse if I start new topic when there is no talk. If they have some bad feelings, new topic might make forget those feelings.


This shows breathtaking insensitivity. If someone you love died this morning, will you be glad to see a 'friend' who insists on knowing what you think of the latest action movie? Will you feel immediate relief, and forget the sadness of loss?

people look like most succesfull who talk the most and loudest so they show example how to be most succesful and they teached me to try this looks like.


If you're a politician you might win followers with this tactic, but I don't think you'll make any friends by constantly shouting over other people.

I thought I am listening enough, because she usually does not complain.


Maybe she's given up trying to get a word in, or has discovered you're incapable of empathy. She's doing what you propose to do: keeping the connection because there aren't enough people in her life.

with her it feels like I dont have to follow all those rules so stricly which is why I like talking to her the most from my friends I guess.


We know you like talking. Do you also listen, and care about how she's feeling?

I think I want to find some friends who I can talk free without rules, and then think in my mind about others "**** you", you are not as good so I will only talk to you if I will have free time. Or minimally to keep the connection.


Why so hostile? And why not just stay away from people you don't like? You're not going to find good friends by tolerating bad ones.

Maybe, so still if I ask how he spent weeked, then I might make feel him worse? Which is not good.


You said it, Hamming. As mentioned above, if he's doing it tough he won't want to spend time with someone who insists on lightweight conversation on the grandiose assumption that you'll make him forget his own woe. This person presumably has experience of your company, and knows you aren't someone he can confide in.
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#24

Postby Hamming » Fri Nov 22, 2019 9:55 pm

This shows breathtaking insensitivity. If someone you love died this morning, will you be glad to see a 'friend' who insists on knowing what you think of the latest action movie? Will you feel immediate relief, and forget the sadness of loss?


I dont get why is this breathtaking insensitivity. Nobody died here :D we were just watching boring sports :D If someone I love died this morning and firend asks this question, dont know how it would be. Had not such experiences. The closest who died probably are grandparents. Its not like huge sadness. During funeral we just have fun talks with other relatives. I rememeber when I was like 10 years old or so, we were so much bored during grandparent funeral and there was a tape in the car with anecdotes, so we were listening that tape.

Maybe she's given up trying to get a word in, or has discovered you're incapable of empathy. She's doing what you propose to do: keeping the connection because there aren't enough people in her life.


She knows how to talk unlike me, she makes friends easily and has them.

We know you like talking. Do you also listen, and care about how she's feeling?

I think I do.

Why so hostile? And why not just stay away from people you don't like? You're not going to find good friends by tolerating bad ones.


Because thats how I feel. It is not like I completely dont like, there are good sides on them. Or maybe I should like them fully. But since I do not know how to talk and how to feel good with those rules, then maybe its my problem. And I should learn. Plus I hardly make such higher status, more succesful new friends. But to improve yourself you have to be surrounded with more succesful people. Maybe they are not bad as you tell. But I feel that way like they are bad for some reason. Overall they are still much better than lot of people who I were surrounded when I was in school. In school it was crazy comparing to today. Plus I had worse talking skills, so this added to that. Its surprising that I still managed to find few friends with such bad skill.

You said it, Hamming. As mentioned above, if he's doing it tough he won't want to spend time with someone who insists on lightweight conversation on the grandiose assumption that you'll make him forget his own woe. This person presumably has experience of your company, and knows you aren't someone he can confide in.


Do I miss something? whe those deaths and woes come from? So I should not ask how he spend a weekend ? Today again I asked do we meet on weekend and he again replied - he is busy all weeked. This time I asked - is it a secret what you are doing. He told what he is doing.
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#25

Postby Candid » Sat Nov 23, 2019 7:26 pm

Hamming wrote:I dont get why is this breathtaking insensitivity.


No? Well, maybe you can get your head around the idea that sometimes, changing the subject is just plain rude.

maybe its my problem. And I should learn.


Yes.
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#26

Postby Hamming » Sun Nov 24, 2019 8:50 pm

No? Well, maybe you can get your head around the idea that sometimes, changing the subject is just plain rude.


sometimes it might make sense. But in this situation, I just dont get :)

They can have rules. But I cannot. Sounds like not equal.
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#27

Postby Candid » Sun Nov 24, 2019 10:20 pm

Sounds like you need better friends.
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#28

Postby Hamming » Fri Nov 29, 2019 10:43 pm

Candid wrote:Sounds like you need better friends.


I was thinking about it lot of times.
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