I need help

Postby JSG11432 » Thu Nov 28, 2019 7:16 pm

I'll start by saying I messed up by feeling needy last week.

My girlfriend of 6 months and friend of 7 years is ignoring me. We hung out together 2 weeks ago and it was great. She was super lovey dovey, couldn't keep her eyes off me and just genuinely enjoyed my company (she ALWAYS does when we spend time together. That I know is the truth)

She ended up going on a trip the following weekend and I left her alone via text or phone so she could have fun. She came back Sunday and texted me. I responded and never heard back from her. The next day she texted, I responded didn't hear from her for hours. I ended up texting saying something about throwing her phone into the ocean the second she hits send and to get back with me when she feels like talking.

She called the next night while I was asleep and left a very sweet voicemail. I texted the next morning saying thank you for the voicemail and asked when she was free to get together again. Didn't hear back all day and I texted back late that night that "I don't know what else to do here. I text you and get nothing back. I'm at a loss for words here. I'm hurt by this lack of communication." ( This is where I know I messed up.)

She texted back a long reply about how annoyed she is and that juggling between school, work, and attempting to have a social life has been stressful lately. Then she mentioned she forgot to reply when she was free and added "you're hurt by the lack of communication???" Between all the social events she's had to attend every weekend since oct. It's been alot. Then she sarcastically asked if she needs to stop doing all these things just to hang out with me.

I replied shortly after acting completely beta (I've never acted this way with women I don't know what was wrong with me. ) I apologized and said I've been working 28 days straight and just wanted to talk with her.

A few days later I went on a trip to clear my head and attempt to recenter myself out in nature. I texted her that morning. Explaining everything and apologizing again. And told her to call me when she wants to reach out.

2 more days later I don't hear from her. I drank a little much and texted AGAIN. I told her that the silence from her is telling me shes over it. If she wants to work things out let me know, otherwise I'll respect and honor her decision even if it's continued silence.

She texted back almost immediately after and said she's not over it she's just had a bad and busy week and if it's okay if she call me. I said sure

She called and was telling me about how some of the people that frequent her bar have passed away and how one of them is sick, but won't go to the doctor. Then she started talking about me "freaking out" I asked her if she just wanted space. She said she wants attention even if she doesn't respond. We only talked for 10 minutes and she seemed to be rushing to get off the phone. The whole conversation seemed awkward and she seemed off. It's been 3 days silence again.

She's always told me before that if someone goes distant she'll think they don't care anymore. That's where I'm looking for advice. I don't know if she's honestly just stressed and busy and bottling everything up. Or if she's lost interest because of my actions.

Do I keep sending her texts once in a while and be upbeat and probably not get responses back? Or do I just go distant and mirror her actions? It took a few days, but I'm already prepared not to ever hear back if I go distant. I also don't want to lose her either. Quite the conundrum. Any help from an outside source looking in would be so helpful to making me feel better about this situation.

Also for anybody saying we text too much, we both work incredible amounts of overtime on opposite schedules so texting is the easiest form of staying in touch for us. I prefer calls myself but it's hard with our schedules.

Thank you to anyone who responds. I truly appreciate it.

*I posted this somehwere else and didn't get a response. I ended up texting her last night asking for clarification on what was going on between us and didn't get a response. I then told her the silence is hurting my heart and wished her the best*
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Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Thu Nov 28, 2019 8:43 pm

Our informal (implied) expectations of how another person is suppose to act is what tend to be our problem. It is not their problem. It is our problem. When they don’t act how we expect them to act we get bent out of shape and try to change them to act how we want, how we expect.

The above is very common. We have all done it. It is normal to have expectations. There are social norms we adopt. There are patterns of expected behavior.

My advice is pretty straightforward. Establish your expectations explicitly. Stop with the informal, implied expectation of frequency and duration of communication. Stop feeling your way through the process. You’ve known each other 7 years so establishing explicit expectations should not be all that hard.

I don’t care how busy people are. You can be Elon Musk and still have 5 minutes in a day to send a text message to someone you care about.

Regardless, what do you expect from her? If I was in your position I would tell her that I expect a reply to a message within 24 hours. If her life is too busy for even that much commitment than it is best to just be friends.

And honestly that is what it sounds like she is trying to passively accomplish. She doesn’t want to be the “bad guy” and is therefore passively distancing herself from her role as girlfriend. She might be struggling with not knowing what she really wants, but she definitely is not interested in much commitment at this point.

If she was really into you then she would make time, That’s what people do. Being too busy is an excuse. You make time for people you care about.

My guess is that you don’t want to establish explicit expectations of communication because you know already what would happen. She would break those expectations. Why? Because she is passively telling you she doesn’t want the type of relationship you want. She just doesn’t want to hurt your feelings.

You need to set the explicit expectation and then OBSERVE her actual behavior. Don’t listen to the excuses or the words to soften what she is really trying to tell you. Tell her explicitly what you expect and then see her violate those expectations. Or maybe she doesn’t violate the expectations and you will be pleasantly surprised.

And if she says she can’t meet or doesn’t want a relationship with explicit expectations then LISTEN to what she told you. She is saying she DOES NOT...meaning your relationship as it stands today is not what she wants.
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