It's getting worse

Postby gogertie » Thu Dec 12, 2019 9:01 pm

I don't where to start.

I'm depressed.

Severely depressed. And have been nearly my entire life.

But it's getting worse. Female. Nearly 42-years-old.

As I get older, I think more and more about suicide. Last June, I was in my backyard, and I realized I was surveying my trees, looking for a branch that would be appropriate to someday hang myself from.

At this point, I'm still much too scared of failing, and only hurting myself in a brutal way. But I am out of hope. I have no hope this will ever get better. I've accepted I'll be wallowing in this miserable mess forever.

What if I live until I'm 80? That would mean I'm barely halfway through this hell, and I hardly remember my childhood, so that was the easy stretch.

I have a daughter - 9 years old. I've never liked being a mother. Since hour 1, I loathed it. I picked a shitty father for her, and her dad treated me like garbage through my pregnancy, then did everything he could to ditch me. No child support, no every-other-weekend off. Nine years later, I still ACHE to have back the person I was before I had a kid. I can't get used to having someone with me every waking second.

I can't have relationships. With anyone. I have ZERO female friends. I moved back to my hometown and now I remember why I ran halfway across the country to get away. I'm so different from everyone here. I think differently.

I haven't had a boyfriend in 10 years, and that was her sham of a dad. My life is such a mess, I wouldn't subject anyone to it, anyhow.

My finances are a mess, my house is a mess. Everyday life just overwhelms me. Being at work is mentally exhausting. My kid's chattering literally agitates me...and I mean mentally disturbs me.

Last year, I decided to drop money on a shrink. My insurance doesn't cover it until after a deductible I'll never meet, so I arranged for every other week. This woman had rave reviews and I thought she was a fraud. She spoke to me for about 10 minutes and after that, it was all hypnosis and EMD therapy (I think both are great; but I feel like I clearly needed to work some things out with some discussion first). So there went about $700 I didn't have.

I just need to vent. I'm going through a really tough patch, and as I mentioned...it's getting worse...so my tough patches are worse.
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#1

Postby ginabi » Fri Dec 13, 2019 6:25 am

you need a professional help, but I think you need something that you will want to live for
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#2

Postby Candid » Sun Dec 15, 2019 8:54 am

I'm very touched by this post, gogertie.

I don't know whether anyone's mentioned Compled PTSD to you.

Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (complex PTSD, sometimes abbreviated to c-PTSD or CPTSD) is a condition where you experience some symptoms of PTSD along with some additional symptoms, such as:

    difficulty controlling your emotions
    feeling very hostile or distrustful towards the world
    constant feelings of emptiness or hopelessness
    feeling as if you are permanently damaged or worthless
    feeling as if you are completely different to other people
    feeling like nobody can understand what happened to you
    avoiding friendships and relationships, or finding them very difficult
    often experiencing dissociative symptoms such as depersonalisation or derealisation
    regular suicidal feelings.

~ https://www.mind.org.uk/information-sup ... fXwquj7SUk

I wonder whether you can access some free counselling. Your feeling that you needed to talk first makes perfect sense. It would be good if you could find someone (anyone!) who would have the patience to listen to you and to understand what's happened to you. This would create a safe relationship, maybe the first you've had. Ideally it would be someone who could then make an appropriate referral to someone with more specialised knowledge.

Find a professional (or a final-year university student needing work experience) who will see you without being paid. Your doctor should be able to point you in the right direction.

Unburdening to someone face-to-face is the start of healing. Please make finding that someone your first priority. Assuming you may have to wait for a while before someone can see you, you'll find plenty of support and company on this forum: https://www.outofthestorm.website/

Best wishes.
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#3

Postby izzy95 » Fri Apr 17, 2020 12:12 pm

ginabi wrote:you need a professional help, but I think you need something that you will want to live for


This can make a hugeee difference indeed
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