3 months PAWS depersonalization

Postby olympus92 » Fri Dec 13, 2019 8:51 am

Hey everyone,
just wanted to start off with a thank you to all the posts on here that gave me such a better understanding of weed withdrawls and what i was going through, it helped me through this dark as time.

Theres been a lot of posts and i thought id share mine and my exeperiences when it came to weed withdrawls

Firstly im Bipolar, knew for a long time, offically diagnosed last year, wasnt a massive struggle with it until my mum passed away with cancer which shook me.
I started drinking heavy for a year until my liver wasn inflamed but wasnt ready to go sober so decided to jump back onto weed again. At first it was really sh** all amounts like half a cone twice a week (tolerance was low) then about half a cone every 3 nights blah blah blah until started smoking a few cones (or bowls) everynight.
Basically life sucks with the amount of sh** it threw at me and weed was my escape, so i became a heavy smoker for some time.
Last few times I smoked I was really paranoid and became depersonalized something bad so i gave up all of it and then came the downfall.

First 2 weeks wasnt so bad just shitty sleep patterns and not that hungry but then im not sure what happened i became really over emotional and angry and depressed, i was at work and then i started to question reality, what was there if the people who i was talking to was even there, i was so paranoid i had serious panick attacks. I called my ex who i just broke down to and she stayed with me for the last 2 months.

In that time it was so bad, from the questioning of my reality feeling disconnected from everyone, to having thoughts of im going crazy and this is permanant, to "what if i skitz out and hurt my child, nah couldnt do that id rather kill myself" then having severe panicks attacks about thinking i was going to kill myself. I tried to commit suicide last year and earlier this year and part of me thinks im actually dead.

I have cycles of good days and bad days, good weeks and bad weeks, i still get really dizzy and sick to the point where i stay in bed for a few days and then have anxiety and question everything, if i stopped with these thoughts it wouldnt be so bad.

I just finished my personal trainer course and want to start my new career soon but want to wait until im healed from the withdrawls before starting.

Its been about a week short of 3 months and yeah its still tough at times, whenever i get a negative thought it shakes me, whenever i think im good i go down again, the absolute anguish of just feeling defeated laying in bed for 3 days at a time, it hasnt been easy but i know once i get through this ill come out on top, i just wish it was over already you know?

Any thoughts, comments, in the same boat comments, someone going through their own battles, please type away.

And as a hype yyourself up just remember we are battling our own minds meaning were not humans, humans fight each other, having our greatest fight with ourselves makes us Gods and when we all get through this we can walk around with our head held high knowing we made it!
olympus92
 


#1

Postby olympus92 » Thu Dec 26, 2019 2:19 am

Just an update

I feel like im gone through the ringer with these issues but i finally feel like im free from it. The anxiety is down to a slight purr which only comes if theres a massive trigger for it.

Sometimes i can feel myself slip out into depersonalization but then come right back.

Ive been through all this but it feels like im finally whole again.
olympus92
 

#2

Postby olympus92 » Sun Jan 05, 2020 6:55 am

3 months and 3 weeks so and anxiety hit me pretty hard today not gonna lie, this feeling is just sh** but I got to keep my chin up knowing it comes and goes, the severity is waaaay less than what it was originally so I know I'm getting better the waves of it is unpredictable. I started my personal training buisness and I gotta say tho surrounding yourself in such a positive environment and helping others is a great way to snap out of dp. I might look into doing more volunteering work while I'm looking for more clients see how that plays out.
I'm happy to say tho that for the first time in a while I felt pure joy when I ran into an old friend from Scotland in 8 years. It was almost unbelievable and that feeling was so uplifting it was like I havnt felt that in a while.
Working in a bar is bringing me down tho so much bs and negativity here.
I'm starting therapy soon to help me through this. It's never a bad idea and fellas it doesn't make you less of a man. We need help no matter on how we look at it.
The gym helps with appetite and water intake aswell. I've been lasy with it but when I do I feel great after.
All the best to everyone. New decade to become greater
olympus92
 

#3

Postby uniqueason » Sun Jan 12, 2020 8:09 pm

keep it up bro pretty much in the same situtation it will pass dont worry
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#4

Postby olympus92 » Wed Jan 15, 2020 10:14 pm

uniqueason wrote:keep it up bro pretty much in the same situtation it will pass dont worry

Thank you I really appreciate it. We can do this!
olympus92
 

#5

Postby olympus92 » Wed Jan 15, 2020 10:16 pm

Since starting PAWS I havnt been able to sleep alone, it actually petrifies me, does anyone else have this issue?
olympus92
 

#6

Postby uniqueason » Thu Jan 16, 2020 1:36 am

Did you fear of going schiz pretty much start with the withrawal? For me yess and its bother me asf im very hypocondriac since stopping weed
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#7

Postby uniqueason » Thu Jan 16, 2020 1:46 am

Yeah i sleep alone because of i have no choice but i totally get what u mean what the main reason u dont want to sleep alone? For me its pretty much the fear of going crazy so having someone alway more confort zone
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#8

Postby olympus92 » Fri Jan 17, 2020 9:57 am

uniqueason wrote:Did you fear of going schiz pretty much start with the withrawal? For me yess and its bother me asf im very hypocondriac since stopping weed


yeah since getting off it just got super paranoid that i damaged my brain and went skitz but yeah just the anxiety, in therapy now actually and psychologist diagnosed me with generalised anxiety disorder and still curious about the bipolar diagnosis, been hypocondriac a bit aswell but mainly with other people like my son and ex thinking **** what if they get really sick but its just all the thoughts manifest ive been trying to have a better positive outlook on life helps a bit

sorry to hear about the sleeping alone bit that sh** gets to me a bit too much part of me thinks sleeping in a caravan or tent out in the wilderness would be more benifical for some reason aye :lol: only problem is im a night owl i just wish i could go to bed at like 9 or something
olympus92
 

#9

Postby olympus92 » Sat Jan 18, 2020 8:45 am

did it i bought 300 bucks worth of camping equipment haha gonna wait for the weather to clear up and gonna spend some time in the wilderness
olympus92
 

#10

Postby uniqueason » Sun Jan 19, 2020 6:03 am

Nice bro lol some nature alway good
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#11

Postby olympus92 » Tue Jan 28, 2020 7:40 am

5 days shy off 5 months clean, mother wave hit, great thing is it only lasted like an hour or two, kept coming up during the day with the what if's and fear of going crazy/losing it but I wrote down why I wouldn't be and how much good I do for others and my plans for helping others quiches helped a lot. I know the fear of going crazy is just a fear not a reality I know thoughts don't lead to actions it's just scary having intrusive thoughts. And a lot of people write intrusive thoughts but don't elaborate so screw it this might help someone. I have fears of harming people I love and fear of hurting my son. At first it sent me into such a spiral I took antipsychotics to stop even thought I would literally hurt anybody who would hurt them. It's just a thought that doesn't lead to actions. So when I had these thoughts I can handle them better, now I'm just tired like exhausted, been in bed all day.

I love to love. I love showing such positive emotions to everyone around me even people I don't like. I love my family. I love my God. Love is the key to helping us through this mess we put ourselves in.

Show love to others around you, show love to a stranger.
olympus92
 

#12

Postby olympus92 » Thu Jan 30, 2020 12:13 pm

uniqueason wrote:Nice bro lol some nature alway good


Hey bro just checking in on ya, wanted to send you a message but couldn't. Sleeping alone for next few nights so pretty pumped.
How's everything going for you?
olympus92
 

#13

Postby olympus92 » Sun Feb 02, 2020 5:47 am

5 MONTHS!

**** what a journey this has been, last night a wave of PAWS happened but it came and went so suddenly I started to cry out of sheer happiness that I know the worse is behind me. The progress of everything has been so long but overcoming my mums death, life's hardships, suicidal thoughts and actions, drug addiction and withdrawls I gotta say coming out of this on top I feel like a f***ing king rn

If anyone needs to comment or wants to post their story on this please go ahead 1 month or 1 year we can all help each other out here
olympus92
 

#14

Postby Unususal » Sun Feb 02, 2020 2:48 pm

Hi olympus92..your story is a real inspiration..
Most people would not be able to handle that..
Keep going brother..

I am going through something similair after quitting weed 4 weeks ago and I am so scared that I will become a shizophrenic...al these intrusive thoughts and anxiety is driving me crazy..I am constantly looking for symphtoms and questioning my sanity.

One question: Did you loose the intrusive thoughts?

Thank you for sharing your story.
This is actually my first post and I will be sharing my story on this forum, since it is such a help for me in these dark days..
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