Advice for leaving home

Postby CameronWright » Thu Dec 19, 2019 3:10 am

Hi everyone, my name is Cameron. I’ve been struggling at home recently, I’ve been very depressed and angry at times. Sometimes this anger spills into my relationships and sometimes I see glimpses of it. I spend a great deal of time alone, and have come to the conclusion that a lot of my “bad” addictions, such as compulsive porn use, eating unhealthily, drinking daily are all to do with the relationship I have with my mother. I’m unwilling to look at the relationship with my mother, because I currently live with her and get a whole heap of physical comforts from living with her. However, I know that I probably won’t be able to have a decent relationship with another woman, even though in my mind that’s what I want. So I’m going to make the decision to leave home, despite having not much money, and perhaps live in my car for a while.
I was just wondering if any body has been through a similar situation and if there’s any advice they can give to someone who’s struggled with money, and so on.
Any advice is appreciated. Thanks.
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Thu Dec 19, 2019 4:08 am

CameronWright wrote:...I probably won’t be able to have a decent relationship with another woman, even though in my mind that’s what I want...


Finding and developing a relationship with a woman requires resources (time/money).

What work related skills/education do you have? Have you had a job before?

The reason I ask is that if your goal is a relationship then living in your car probably will fail to attract the type of woman you have in mind.
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#2

Postby CameronWright » Thu Dec 19, 2019 4:26 am

I’m just working in a kitchen, doing minimal hours. I’m probably not going to attract a partner straight away, but if I dedicate my time to not “living with mum”, won’t this help my chances?
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#3

Postby Candid » Thu Dec 19, 2019 8:00 am

CameronWright wrote: if I dedicate my time to not “living with mum”, won’t this help my chances?


I suspect not. It would make more sense to find someone you can talk to about The Trouble With Mum, and deal with it while you're still living with her. If you leave with this unresolved, you'll immediately have all kinds of more urgent problems.

See if you can find a female counsellor to talk to free of charge.
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#4

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Thu Dec 19, 2019 1:58 pm

CameronWright wrote:I’m just working in a kitchen, doing minimal hours. I’m probably not going to attract a partner straight away, but if I dedicate my time to not “living with mum”, won’t this help my chances?


Right, so you have a series of subgoals leading to the overarching goal of attracting a partner.

-1- save money and cut expenses.

-2- find an apartment (probably shared).

-3- attract a partner.

I’m assuming given limited work in a kitchen you would need to find a roommate and split the rent.

The above 3 steps are pretty straightforward but there can be any number of other goals mixed in such as:

-4- improving your education/skills.

-5- pursue full time work or promotion.

-6- hobbies to extend your social network.

Currently you only really need to focus on #1 saving money/cut expenses. You might also pursue getting more hours or a second job.

What is great about #1 is that if you really focus on this specific goal it will reduce some of your negative behaviors. You won’t have money/time to waste on junk food, drinking, porn, etc.

But that is only if you set a challenging, specific goal and commit your energy to achieving the goal.

Notice, I didn’t mention your mum and whatever relationship dynamic exists between you two. Why? Because it is largely irrelevant to goal #1. She is your excuse.

Don’t get me wrong, environmental/situational factors do influence or moderate how easy it is to achieve a goal, but they are not a cause. Your mom might encourage or “drive” you towards bad behaviors but she is not the cause of your bad behaviors. She doesn’t click on the porn for you. You do that.

So focus on #1 and stop using mum as your go to excuse.

How long will it take you to save money for a deposit on an apartment?
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#5

Postby CameronWright » Thu Dec 19, 2019 2:48 pm

True. Perhaps I do blame my mother for a lot, I guess it’s easier that way.
I find work really difficult, perhaps I’m entitled. I’ve worked long hours before, for about a year straight but now I’m just becoming lazy. It would take me with the money I’m earning currently about two months to start renting.
I’m starting to think this whole issue is that I just don’t want to put in the hard yards and start working hard?
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#6

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Thu Dec 19, 2019 3:39 pm

CameronWright wrote:I’m starting to think this whole issue is that I just don’t want to put in the hard yards and start working hard?


Or maybe, like most people, the issue is that you don’t yet have the education/knowledge or practical experience in how to get what you want?

Many if not most people are in a similar situation. Most people never learn how to set and achieve goals so they just try to muddle their way through using trial and error. Eventually motivation is reduced as the person isn’t making progress and they can’t figure out why.

You need focus. You need to focus on the single goal of saving money. Set a specific amount you need and make it a challenge. You said two months which means you have a specific amount and a time frame. Go for it.
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