My partner has had one foot out the door and I'm resentful

Postby unknowwn » Thu Dec 19, 2019 8:42 pm

Long term relationships are hard. My partner and I are currently in the process of sorting our issues out. What he is going through must be tough, and I understand because I've felt that way too.

For a few months we hit a rough patch in our relationship (we've been together for 4 years). It got to a point where I got fed up with his mockery and jabs at me. Since then his come to realise he was acting out because of the inner turmoil his experiencing.

We're both mid 20s, engaged and eachothers first longest relationship (we've both been with other people before but not this serious). My partner feels conflicted because he sometimes thinks he 'settled down' too young. I've felt this way before too. He said his worried that if we break up and he does go and pursue this 'single life' that when he IS ready to settle down he might end up with someone completely crazy and would regret breaking things off with me. He said he knows he has a good woman right now (me) and he would be a fool to let me go cos he thinks he would never find someone like me again but at the same time isn't ready to 'slow down and settle'.

For me, I dont want to settle because I like the idea of experiencing other people. I feel somewhat resentful because I've had opportunities but haven't acted on them because of my 'duty' to be a faithful partner. This leads me to feeling I've put my happiness aside for something that may not potentially work out? Part of me wants to say '**** it' and be selfish, live for me and only me. Part of me wants to not hold back when these opportunities arise because I deserve to be happy.

Buuuut because Im a good person (sigh) and I don't want to betray my partner I don't act on them, despite wanting too.

For my partner, it's not so much about other women. It's about the 'freedom' of being single. He talks about if he was single he could do a spontaneous trip to Vietnam (or wherever) and just be alone and explore. Or instead of saving for a house he could be saving for a new car (which he really really wants). He would be able to do things on his terms without thinking of a secondary person (me) which is what you do when you make decisions and you're in a relationship. You think about how it will affect them aswell..
I guess the idea of not having to do that intrigues him.

Despite all this he says he really loves and cares about me. He is still not sure if he sees a future with me but were working on it. Im just confused a little angry and somewhat resentful. A large part of me wants to say f it and do whatever I want but I know if I were to do that i could lose him and I know he thinks the same.

I think we're both confused and don't know the best way in dealing with this. It's really hard.
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Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Thu Dec 19, 2019 11:56 pm

unknowwn wrote:I think we're both confused and don't know the best way in dealing with this.

-1- You joined the forum and in your first thread told us he physically abused you.

-2- Your second thread was about his infidelity as he went to get an escort.

-3- This thread is about him wanting the single life. He wants to be free from you.

What about the above three things has you (singular) confused? Are the above three things not crystal clear?

How many more things do you (singular) need to gain the understanding that what he wants is the opportunity to put you on the shelf as a backup as he then goes out to find someone better than you?
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Postby quietvoice » Fri Dec 20, 2019 12:54 am

It's been nearly two years since your first posts of abusive behavior from your partner . . .

Dang, woman, why are you still there?
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Postby Candid » Fri Dec 20, 2019 7:33 am

I'm with Richard and quietvoice, unknowwn.

On Mar 13, 2018, unknowwn wrote:Its not that i dont think i can do better, i know i probably could its just that im very attached and close to him. Not that im dependent but he holds a special place in my heart. He is my first realb relationship and theres so many things ive opened up to him about. We have so many good times. Its hard to let go. I know that if i broke up with him that would be it, no chance of going back. Id be pretty much dead to him. That hurts.

He's nowhere near as attached, close, and committed as you are.

I know it's hard to leave, but you need to do it as soon as you can. Just because it's been four years is no reason to waste another four, or the rest of yur life.

You're still in your 20s. You have plenty of time. I suggest at least a year of not being involved, much less committed, to anyone else. Have some fun, girl! Look after yourself and enjoy the dating scene. Let this loser go. ... nmet-need/

Yes, you could do better. You've said so yourself. Get out before the strain of this relationship ruins your pretty face, and consider it a good thing that you'll immediately "be pretty much dead to him".
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