Getting obsessed with girls/women

Postby philzl » Sat Dec 21, 2019 9:44 am

I'm a 29 year old male and have never been in a relationship in my entire life (and this isn't by choice). So after so many years of being single, I've already reached a point that I don't really want to date anymore. But depite this, I'm experiencing the following issue: I get obsessed with every girl/woman I talk to a little bit more often and feel kinda nervous when I'm around her, although we are talking about absolutely trivial things or the communication is at purely "professional" level. So neither I nor she is interested in getting into a relationship, yet I keep obsessing with her and thinking about her practically all the time. Why is this happening to me? Maybe if I knew the exact reason, I would be able to move ahead because right now I have no clear explanation about it. Thank you for your time reading and hope that you will be able to give me an answer to help me with the situation i find myself in.
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#1

Postby tokeless » Sat Dec 21, 2019 9:56 am

So neither I nor she is interested in getting into a relationship, yet I keep obsessing with her and thinking about her practically all the time.

How do you know what her intentions are? When I look back at my dating years there were loads of times I could have dated those particular women but I didn't see it at the time. I guess, I may have feared being rejected if I'd have asked or I thought they didn't like me that way. I found out years later they fancied me a lot but I never made them feel I did back, so nothing happened.
Keep chatting but instead if you deciding it's not going anywhere, if the feeling is right just say you've really enjoyed chatting and would they like to have dinner or meet up again for coffee etc etc... Then you'll find out there opinion on that suggestion. It doesn't sound like you struggle to talk to women, just fear being rejected so you don't ask? You have nothing to lose and much to gain.
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#2

Postby philzl » Sat Dec 21, 2019 11:07 am

Thank you for the reply, but as I've already said I've given up on dating since I see no point trying to pursue my first relationship at this stage of my life (just my personal opinion, I'm not saying this applies to everyone). What I want to know and don't understand is why do I feel this way if I don't want to date. And when I talk to women it's mostly a very brief conversation since I usually have little to say, but that's another story.
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#3

Postby Candid » Sat Dec 21, 2019 11:14 am

philzl wrote:I see no point trying to pursue my first relationship at this stage of my life


At 29?

Plenty of men marry for the first time in their 40s and 50s. There's no biological clock for the male of the species.
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#4

Postby philzl » Sat Dec 21, 2019 3:13 pm

Candid wrote:
philzl wrote:I see no point trying to pursue my first relationship at this stage of my life


At 29?

Plenty of men marry for the first time in their 40s and 50s. There's no biological clock for the male of the species.

Of course, but everyone decides for themselves and I've already decided for myself. What I really need right now and would help me get better, instead of recommendations that I should be pursuing a relationship (which I don't want), is some kind of explanation why I feel this way.
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#5

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sat Dec 21, 2019 3:23 pm

philzl wrote: What I want to know and don't understand is why do I feel this way if I don't want to date.


Puberty, biology, testosterone, natural selection, evolutionary reality.

You have studied/learned about the above topics, yes? I mean you are not totally unaware of the concept of human nature, Maslow’s hierarchy of motivational needs, etc.?

You have experienced erections, masturbated, viewed erotic images/videos at some point, right?

The reason for asking the above is I’m trying to figure out the gap in your knowledge. Maybe you just think none of the above matters and that you should be able to just turn off biologically driven desire like a light switch. It doesn’t work that way.
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#6

Postby philzl » Sat Dec 21, 2019 3:35 pm

Yes, I'm aware of the mentioned topics. Can it be that on a subconscious level I'm somehow trying to "fill" something that's missing although not wanting it when thinking rationally?
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#7

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sat Dec 21, 2019 3:41 pm

philzl wrote: Can it be that on a subconscious level I'm somehow trying to "fill" something that's missing although not wanting it when thinking rationally?


Yep. That is exactly it. Biology is not rational. Evolution is not rational. You didn’t rationally decide to start receiving high doses of testosterone as a result of puberty. And you can’t just rationally turn it off like a light switch.

Monks and others take a vow of chastity. You know why it is a vow? It isn’t because it is easy to just turn off the desire for sex. It’s a vow because it is extremely difficult to turn off that subconscious desire.
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#8

Postby philzl » Sat Dec 21, 2019 10:09 pm

Thank you for your answer, that was what I wanted to find out. Now at least I know what is causing this feeling and that it isn't anything unusual so hopefully it will be easier for me to get over it.
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#9

Postby Candid » Sun Dec 22, 2019 11:10 am

If you want "easier", no doubt you would find it easier to learn how to talk to the girls/women you're seeing all over the place.

Ironically, if you stop being "obsessed" you're likely to have them flocking to you. In the "obsessed" stage, men tend to come off as creepy.
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#10

Postby theforsaken » Sun Dec 29, 2019 1:36 pm

Candid wrote:
philzl wrote:I see no point trying to pursue my first relationship at this stage of my life


At 29?

Plenty of men marry for the first time in their 40s and 50s. There's no biological clock for the male of the species.

That sounds very... bitter.. Lol. He didn't mean the biological clock, it's not that his time's up, its that he feels like it's hopeless/pointless at this point. I've been there too. Hell I'd probably still feel that way if I hadn't met my current partner.
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#11

Postby n01 » Mon Dec 30, 2019 4:46 am

theforsaken wrote:
Candid wrote:At 29?

Plenty of men marry for the first time in their 40s and 50s. There's no biological clock for the male of the species.

That sounds very... bitter.. Lol. He didn't mean the biological clock, it's not that his time's up, its that he feels like it's hopeless/pointless at this point. I've been there too. Hell I'd probably still feel that way if I hadn't met my current partner.
And sexist. Coz there's really no pressure for guys to settle down & have kids before their 40s, yeh right. And all you guys are gonna have plenty of energy and libido and mating opportunities in your 50s and 60s too, real prime specimens just what young fertile females look for (in our society). Hmm I don't think so. What really happens is that people (women and men) hook up with broadly similar aged relationship partners no matter how old they are. Nothing to do with biological clock differences. Plenty of women marry for the first time in their 40s and 50s too. That's if people bother to get married at all these days.
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