I don't really want or desire anything

Postby Optymistyk » Sun Dec 29, 2019 12:26 pm

I don't really want money, or a nice car, or a beautiful house, or a good job, or a PD, or fame, or to go to Hawaii on holidays... I don't really want anything everyone tells me I should want.

I've been recently diagnosed with depression, but it feels different than the last time. Last time I just wanted to end myself, I felt like each passing day was torture. Now I just feel nothing. Constant apathy.

I can't bring myself to go looking for a job and when I can I just take the first job I can get that offers minimal pay. I've been recently kicked out of college and I don't really want to go back.

I don't even want to do my hobbies or meet and party with my friends. I feel like a vegetable.

But it's a lie. I do want some things. I just don't know how to get those things.

First, I want to feel like I belong somewhere. I do have good friends and a loving family but that's not what I mean. I need a tribe if that makes sense. A group of people who share a common sense of purpose. Sometimes I kinda wish for a zombie apocalypse. That way there's a clear sense of purpose I could share with others. Zombie bad. Survival good. Humans together strong. But today everyone is just so focused on their career and themselves. I can't do that. I need to feel like there's a reason to keep going and there's other people who share the journey with me

And I also want a girlfriend. But maybe I wish for too much.

And that's all. I feel hopeless, like the two things I want I can't get and everyone keeps forcing on me things I just don't care about. What do I do?
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sun Dec 29, 2019 1:26 pm

Optymistyk wrote: What do I do?


Go join the military, become a first responder, apply for jobs with the Red Cross.

You are not helpless. You are simply enabled. Nothing is being forced on you. You let it happen to you.
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#2

Postby Optymistyk » Sun Dec 29, 2019 4:12 pm

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:
Optymistyk wrote: What do I do?


Go join the military, become a first responder, apply for jobs with the Red Cross.

You are not helpless. You are simply enabled. Nothing is being forced on you. You let it happen to you.


Yeah some people suggested me to join the military. I am fascinated with military equipment and strategy but I don't have a strong connection with my country. I don't think it's something worth dying for or killing for. If I did join and it came to war I'd be the first one to desert. Maybe the UN forces? That'd make some sense at least.

I think I'd like to join the Red Cross but I don't think they'd want me. I have no medical education. Maybe I should try to get some. But that's gonna take years
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#3

Postby Candid » Mon Dec 30, 2019 8:50 am

Optymistyk wrote:I think I'd like to join the Red Cross but I don't think they'd want me.


Ask them. Do the training.
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#4

Postby Chopper636 » Fri Jan 03, 2020 1:44 am

I can completely relate to what you're saying. It probably feels like you're on your own with no-one to turn to that can relate to what you're going through but I assure you we are out there. I found familiarity in literally everything you said in this post, especially where you stated that you don't find enjoyment or satisfaction in your own hobbies or interests. I recently spent good money on a guitar (my passion) to fill a void in my life. I loved that guitar in so many ways. The tone, playability, the feel of the neck when sliding my hand to a distant chord... It was gorgeous. All things that should have at least given me some form of pride or sense of achievement, suddenly meant nothing.
The hole in my life was not, and is not, guitar shaped, although at the time, I really thought it would make my days go by faster and my daily misery seem less apparent. It didn't.
I had some good friends that are great people. One or two that I genuinely believe deserve true merit for the way they have put themselves out for me and/or others. People with families who have given up their living room for 6 months or more to put up with me when i was at my lowest with nowhere else to turn. I appreciate their help more than anything and crave the opportunity to thank them more than verbally but in 3 years have not been able to bring myself to just pick up the phone and remind them how thankful I am. I don't even know why I find this difficult. They can't possibly know how thankful I am but I ignored their attempted contact for long enough that they gave up. This is the pattern of my life

I'm actually very surprised at the responses so far to your initial post. Generally people seem to be a little more sympathetic on this kind of topic

I'd love to be able to tell you that there's a 5 day, quick fix plan but if there is, I am yet to find it. If there was a magic pill that guaranteed peaceful, unaware death I would have taken it years ago but fear will always get in the way. I'm not saying this to sound morbid, but to say that others can relate and you're not in your own. I hope to hear back from you. I literally just signed up to this forum now so that i could respond to your post. I know it's not much consolation to feeling this way, but your post has at least allowed me to find some solace in the way I'm feeling. A little less isolated.
Please respond if you wish to talk, I feel it could help us both
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#5

Postby Candid » Fri Jan 03, 2020 8:47 am

Chopper636 wrote:I'm actually very surprised at the responses so far to your initial post. Generally people seem to be a little more sympathetic on this kind of topic


Tough love is usually better than easy sympathy, which can leave people feeling shame and questioning their own right to complain.

I don't think you're in the same category as the OP, who says "I do have good friends and a loving family". You, on the other hand, have told us there are people who "put up with me when i was at my lowest with nowhere else to turn". The difference is family.

The OP suffers the ennui of too-muchness, so 'burdened' with easy choices that he's been paralysed. No doubt the head surgery was demotivating, but he's taken care of and hasn't had to resort to couch-surfing.

You, on the other hand, are showing all the signs of attachment trauma. You haven't got back to the friends who sheltered you. You write:

I don't even know why I find this difficult. They can't possibly know how thankful I am but I ignored their attempted contact for long enough that they gave up. This is the pattern of my life


Attachment trauma's most damaging effects are relational. Instead of making us strong, it fills us with shame about our own deficits.

The subsequent behaviors will be either fight (rage, lashing out) or flight (running away or withdrawing) or freezing (dissociation).
~ https://www.attachmenttraumanetwork.org/attachment/

This is probably a new thought for you, but flight followed by freeze appears to be the pattern of your life. Let me know if this rings true.
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#6

Postby Harmony42 » Sat Jan 04, 2020 7:14 pm

Hello,

I think the problem is we all think we should be a certain way or have goals and if we fail we are then full of self loathing, we need to be kinder and accept the current situation we are in, it’s ok not to know what we truly want and it’s ok to be content not following the crowd.

Something amazing happens when we accept situations they become less of a burden and our energy shifts into a different state then an idea or impulse to explore something will come.

It’s truly remarkable how our mind and imagination works go within yourself, inquire, write down things that interest you, read books that interest you, Iv learned so much by reading, way more than I learned at school

Every single choice we make in any given moment will help or harm us nobody knows what’s right for you, only you can discover it listen to your gut feelings because it’s constantly guiding you understanding yourself is magical when you get there!!

You say you would like a girlfriend so what “actions” could you take to find and keep her interested? This is an area where school has failed massively it never teaches us about the psychology of the opposite sex that’s why so many relationships fail.

To attract the right partner we need to know what kind of character that person has and is it aligned with our own values, It’s impossible to have a healthy relationship with a dysfunctional person. a relationship is a synchronicity not codependency Its about encouraging each other not controlling each other. When we want a partner it’s easy to jump in head first and get carried away but listen to your gut if something doesn't feel right about a person ask them questions, be authentic don’t worry about offending them, you can ask anybody anything as long as you ask in a respectful way.


You also could consider asking yourself “what can I do to make myself more noticeable and attractive to a female”, be authentic , clean, dressed in decent clothes (smart or casual) well mannered (no spitting) focus on your strengths and not your weaknesses be humble and polite be interested in her and try to remember things she talks about.

Ask yourself this every day - “What’s the one thing I can do today, that by doing it will make everything else easier or Unnecessary” and you can ask that question regarding any topic in life. ☺️
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