I feel both happy and devastated about the same issue

Postby brightLime2421 » Thu Jan 02, 2020 10:37 pm

TL;DR: The day I met my friend’s girlfriend, I really liked her and she kissed me while she was drunk. After that, her boyfriend went abroad for 3 months. We became really close at that time and she told me that her relationship is going terrible and she wants to break up. I was thinking that she loves me and wants to be with me, but her boyfriend came back and they are happy again right now. They are both my close friends, so I feel great about their happy relationship while also feeling terrible about all the dreams I had. I’m in love with her, but I also love both of them as friends so I don’t know what I feel. I’m losing my mind thinking about this.

Hello all.

I want to start by saying that I will not use any real names while writing this in case of anyone who knows me in real reads this. Sorry about that. Anyway, let’s start.

I will call myself Brad. I am 21 years old male, and a Turkish 3rd year Computer Science student in Turkey. When I was 17, I was diagnosed with brain tumour, which led to a long tough surgery, and a 4 month period of chemotherapy. Even though there was a point where the doctors, and even I lost hope, I survived somehow. Approximately one year after the treatment ended, I started university.

Right after the university starts, I met with great people, and made awesome friendships. We were hanging out a lot, and having real fun. About 2 months after the school starts, I met a girl whom I will call Eva. Eva and I started dating, and became lovers really quickly. After this, we started spending almost all of our time together. We were together every second that we don’t sleep. This made me become distant from the friends that I mentioned.

We were together with my friends in most of the classes, but I almost never hang out with them. But it was beginning of a new relationship for me, and everything was perfect with Eva, so I never realized that I was ignoring my friends. It went like this more than a year. 2-3 months after we started the second year of the school, I started spending some time with the friends I mentioned earlier, since we all have the same classes and we had to do group projects, study together etc.

Under color of the classes, I started spending more time with them, but I was still mostly with Eva. Now you might ask that why Eva was not in this group. The reason is she always thought that my friends are boring and never even tried to spend time with them. Anyway, I learned that the - smart but weird- guy of our group, Don, started dating a girl called Elizabeth. I couldn’t meet Elizabeth for 2 months, but then, we decided to celebrate new year all together at a friends house.

End of backstory.

The main story that led me to this forum starts here.

On the day that the new year party happened, I was in a perfect relationship (at least I was thinking like that) and my friend Don was in a good, fresh relationship with Elizabeth. Since we were the only ones which didn’t know each other before the party, we started chatting with Elizabeth. After that, it didn’t take too long to realize that we are extremely similar, and having a lot of fun together. It might have sounded normal, but every second that I talked with her felt unique to me. I know how wrong it is, I know how weird it is, but I really liked her. I mean… really. Anyway, time passed, 2019 started, everybody got super drunk except me, (I drunk some, but I was sober) and people fell asleep. Right after I went to my bed, Elizabeth came, and jumped into my bed. Since she was extremely drunk, I assumed that she thought I am Don, and told her that I am Brad and Don is in the other room. I was expecting her to get up and try to walk, but she didn’t. She said “I know”, kissed me on the cheek, and kept lying near me.

Guys, that was the finisher. That was the moment that I learned she also liked me. I was shocked, and petrified for a few seconds. I knew this was so freaking immoral, so as the sober guy I carried her to their bed. However, I was going crazy inside. I couldn’t sleep whole night, thinking about her.

I left that night behind, remembered that she is my friends girlfriend and I also have a relationship. We never ever talked about that incident. I still don’t know if she just forgot about it, or afraid to bring it to the table but either way I’m happy with this because it would be really uncomfortable for me to talk about that night. In 2019, I started spending much more time with the group, which caused me to spend less time with Eva, which created some serious problems between us. One important note: until the summer, I wasn’t thinking any such thing about Elizabeth, I was totally OK with the truth, and having amazing time with her even when she is Don’s girlfriend.

Fast forwarding, since it’s already too long.

Summer has came, and coincidence, Elizabeth, my closest friend Eugene and I started our internships in the city that we study university, at the exact same time period. Another coincidence, Don got accepted to a 3-month long paid internship in Europe. Which means Elizabeth and Don will not see each other for 3 months, and we will be together with Elizabeth for one and half months since Eva’s internship is in another city in Turkey.

At that time, it was so obvious for me that we were gonna break up with Eva because are fights were too harsh and frequent, and since we were in different cities, I was feeling like single. So we had great time with Elizabeth and Eugene, we were together all the time, and had real fun, but I was losing my mind, dreaming a future with Elizabeth.

After some time, things started going bad between Elizabeth and Don as well. They had some serious problems, and Elizabeth told me that she is considering breaking up several times. Our internships completed, we both went to holiday with our families, but before that, we planned to go to a concert of a singer we both love.

After a 10 days of not seeing each other, we went to the concert. There, we had some long talks again. I told her that I’m gonna break up with Eva, just waiting to do this face to face, and she told me that since they are too far with Don, he is restricting her so much and she misses being single.

I was like, OK, this 9 month long dream is so freaking close to be real, just wait a little more. About a month later, Don came back to Turkey, and we went to a holiday with our big group. They seem so normal at that holiday, like there were no problems between them, but I freaking know there were. 2 weeks later, school has started again, Elizabeth and Don are very happy right now, and we broke up with Eva. We became closer with Elizabeth and Don, spending most of our times together, but I’m about to go crazy.

Yes I really like Don, and I think that they are really cute but I cannot get over with all of these going on in my mind for a year. One side of me is happy for their great relationship since they are both my close friends, while the other side is going crazy about her and all the dreams I had with her.

I don’t know how to calm myself right now. I’m with them every single day, and having fun, therefore I don’t consider staying away from them. I’m really lost my way guys.

Thank you very much for reading this extra long story, I cannot wait to see your responses and advises. I hope I can feel better soon. Love you all.

The guy that calls himself Brad
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Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Jan 03, 2020 12:48 am

brightLime2421 wrote: I cannot wait to see your responses and advises. I hope I can feel better soon. Love you all.

I don't think you know what love is. And I don't think you have much respect for yourself.

You "love" a girl that jumped in your bed and kissed you on the cheek while dating another man.

How the heck are you devastated with that? Seriously. If this woman jumps in your bed while with another man...you think you are special? You think she won't jump in some other man's bed when there is some "connection" or "feeling"?

You don't know what love is. Just because some girl gets drunk and loves the attention you give her does not equal love.

And you don't love me. Get out of here with that c@!p. You are reducing the value of love.

I'll tell you what...I 100% guarantee that I don't love you. Why? Because I know the value of love. At least in my world love means something. In your world love doesn't seem to mean all that much.

So maybe that is where my response misses the mark. Maybe you think that love is a simple transaction. Maybe you think because you share a glance and some "feelings" of a shared connection that it equals love. I disagree.

IF you are happy, be happy that you have avoided this woman and be devastated for your friend that is with her. You think your bed is the only bed she has jumped in? You think your cheek is the only other man she has kissed? You think she isn't willing to be unfaithful to your friend? And that is love to you?

I think you need to take a big step back and reflect on what love actually means.
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Postby Candid » Fri Jan 03, 2020 8:15 am

brightLime2421 wrote:she told me that since they are too far with Don, he is restricting her so much and she misses being single.

She meant it, 'Brad'. She's not ready to commit, not to 'Don', not to you. She's at the flirty age, testing her power, demonstrating to herself that she can 'get' anyone she wants. Eventually she'll make her choice, and it won't be you. More likely you'll come to regret that you and 'Don' stopped being friends over this.

How you behave now is very important -- not to 'Don', not to 'Elizabeth', but to you. I doubt you'll heed the warning, but here it is:

Your third year at university actually matters. In years to come you'll either be happy you shifted your focus back to your study, and had a career that increased your power to attract the best kind of woman, OR full of regret that your hormones pulled you off track just when steadiness mattered most, that you didn't get the highest GPA you were capable of, that you've had a so-so career, that lesser students have done a whole lot better -- and all because you were an easy target for any woman who showed an interest.

I sympathise with all three of you, but 'Don' and 'Elizabeth' don't know they have a problem. I sincerely hope you're going to jump the right way.
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