How to put yourself first when living with other people

Postby mysticwitch » Wed Jan 08, 2020 6:21 am

We all know the importance of putting yourself first, but how do you do that when you live with other people and they say no to something you need and or want?
mysticwitch
New Member
 
Posts: 5
Joined: Wed Jan 08, 2020 6:10 am
Likes Received: 0


#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Wed Jan 08, 2020 1:59 pm

Your post is not very clear.

What power do they have to say no? What power do they have over you?

You only control you so the general rule is to use the golden rule. Treat them how you believe is fair. In general it is best to share and cooperate.

There is a big difference between a need and a want.

If it’s something you need, eg food, then you take it.

If it is something you want then you find something they want and make a trade.
User avatar
Richard@DecisionSkills
MVP
MVP
 
Posts: 10738
Joined: Sat Dec 08, 2012 2:25 am
Likes Received: 1095

#2

Postby mysticwitch » Wed Jan 08, 2020 7:05 pm

It's been advised to get a service dog and the person I live with said no. I have to wait till they quit smoking and they want to have a say in the kind of dog I get.

I feel since its a medical issue and for my health and quality of life I should have the only say.
mysticwitch
New Member
 
Posts: 5
Joined: Wed Jan 08, 2020 6:10 am
Likes Received: 0

#3

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Wed Jan 08, 2020 8:24 pm

mysticwitch wrote:It's been advised to get a service dog


A service dog or an emotional support animal? What services will the dog provide?

The reason I ask is that your original post and response are less than forthcoming. If you bring an animal into a shared living space, you don't get the only say.

If I'm the person sharing the space with you it is a negotiation. That seems to be what is taking place, but you don't like the process. You are not getting what you want. Therefore, you are trying to morally justify your position by saying it is a "need" and framing it as a medical issue.

The power dynamic in the relationship is also not clear. If it is a roommate, start looking for another place to live. If it is a spouse or intimate partner, then it is definitely a negotiation that will require some give and take.

If I'm the person you live with and you believe that you have the only say in the matter, you would learn pretty quickly that isn't the case. Without my consent to that animal being in my shared space, it would be gone. And if that then became a legal battle, so be it.
User avatar
Richard@DecisionSkills
MVP
MVP
 
Posts: 10738
Joined: Sat Dec 08, 2012 2:25 am
Likes Received: 1095

#4

Postby mysticwitch » Wed Jan 08, 2020 9:12 pm

I have physical limitations and my medical doctor made the determination a service dog would be highly beneficial. So, no not an emotional support dog. A fully trained service dog to help with my disabilities.

It's not a shared space. I live downstairs. I've never heard of a shared service dog. They need to be in tune with their handler and their handler alone.
mysticwitch
New Member
 
Posts: 5
Joined: Wed Jan 08, 2020 6:10 am
Likes Received: 0

#5

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Wed Jan 08, 2020 9:34 pm

mysticwitch wrote: It's not a shared space. I live downstairs.


Then what does the need to quit smoking have to do with anything?

What is the relationship with this other person?
User avatar
Richard@DecisionSkills
MVP
MVP
 
Posts: 10738
Joined: Sat Dec 08, 2012 2:25 am
Likes Received: 1095

#6

Postby mysticwitch » Thu Jan 09, 2020 12:30 am

She's my mom. She needs surgery and she (according to her) can't (won't?) quit till she has a date set for the surgery. And she wants a dog and wants to pick one out she wants. A medical professional suggested I get a service dog. That's not something that should be shared. That's like a cancer patient being bullied by a healthy person to share their medical marijuana.

I absolutely get what you're saying. It's just since I've given up my entire life being my parents caretaker... I just... Ugh, when my doctor suggested a service dog I thought it'd be my chance to have something really beneficial for my health. Not to mention something without harmful side effects like meds I've been on my entire life.

Before initially making this post I got pumped up reading the importance of putting yourself first especially when it pertains to health. And I guess I was hoping to find advice on how to do that.
mysticwitch
New Member
 
Posts: 5
Joined: Wed Jan 08, 2020 6:10 am
Likes Received: 0

#7

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Thu Jan 09, 2020 1:38 am

mysticwitch wrote:She's my mom. She needs surgery and she (according to her) can't (won't?) quit till she has a date set for the surgery. And she wants a dog and wants to pick one out she wants. A medical professional suggested I get a service dog. That's not something that should be shared. That's like a cancer patient being bullied by a healthy person to share their medical marijuana.


-1- Did the doctor take you through the steps to get a service dog? There is direct one-on-one training required between patient and the dog. It isn't anything like sharing medical marijuana. Service dogs cost a minimum of $15,000 and it involves a fairly detailed process. You just don't go to your local dealer and pick up a service dog.

I'm guessing neither you or your mother are familiar with the process?

-2- If your mother wants a dog and you have no issue with it, have her get one from a shelter. Or she can buy one. What do you care?

I absolutely get what you're saying. It's just since I've given up my entire life being my parents caretaker... I just... Ugh, when my doctor suggested a service dog I thought it'd be my chance to have something really beneficial for my health. Not to mention something without harmful side effects like meds I've been on my entire life.


Given up your life? So you live on the income your parents provide as their caretaker? It doesn't sound like you get paid. And it doesn't sound like you are in much of a position to provide care given your need for a service dog.

My guess, correct me if I'm wrong, is that you have no real source of income? Your parents pay for your housing, electrical, Internet, food, expenses, etc., but you don't get any pay.

Before initially making this post I got pumped up reading the importance of putting yourself first especially when it pertains to health. And I guess I was hoping to find advice on how to do that.


There is nothing wrong with putting yourself first. It just sounds like you currently have limited means to do so.

How you put yourself first is actually pretty straight forward. You just say "no" when there are things you don't wish to do. You do what you want to do when you want to do it. Get up as late as you want, watch what you want, eat what you want. There really is not that much to it.

The problem is that when you put yourself first there is potential fallout or consequences. It's hard to put yourself first if you are the child, prisoner, ward, or employee of another person. If they have the power to cut off your allowance, to make your life hard, then not putting them first can result in penalties.

And that is what it sounds like. It sounds like your mother is in charge. It sounds like you live in the downstairs and have no skills or resources that allow you to put yourself first. Am I wrong?

Maybe you can answer in another way. IF...hypothetically, you wanted to move out of the downstairs and get your own place how long would it take you to make that happen? I'm not talking about moral responsibility to your mother here. I'm just asking that if you had to save money and get a job so as to rent your own place, how long would it take?
User avatar
Richard@DecisionSkills
MVP
MVP
 
Posts: 10738
Joined: Sat Dec 08, 2012 2:25 am
Likes Received: 1095

#8

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Jan 10, 2020 9:06 pm

So no response usually means I'm pretty close to accurate...accurate enough...usually.

HOW you put yourself first can be very difficult when you are lacking the skills, the methods, and/or the means to be independent. When you are dependent or codependent, this reduces autonomy. Being dependent makes it much more difficult to find "me time" or put yourself first.

My advice, should you still wish to learn how to put yourself first, is to start by developing what is required to be independent of your parent(s). Currently your ability to put yourself first is limited to (1) whatever control you may have over the downstairs and/or (2) whatever resources you have saved that allow you time/space to yourself outside the home.
User avatar
Richard@DecisionSkills
MVP
MVP
 
Posts: 10738
Joined: Sat Dec 08, 2012 2:25 am
Likes Received: 1095

#9

Postby varunkirti94 » Tue Jan 28, 2020 2:43 pm

Establish Clear boundaries. Having good boundaries helps in the longer run and creates respect for yourself.
It is a general answer to a general question. We can talk better with specifics. :)
varunkirti94
New Member
 
Posts: 3
Joined: Tue Jan 28, 2020 2:17 pm
Likes Received: 0



  • Similar Topics
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Return to Self Esteem & Confidence