Am I right feeling betrayed or am I overreacting

Postby Marty73 » Sun Jan 19, 2020 12:06 am

I had this conversation with a cousin of mine (we're really close, since we live together in a foreign country and I don't know anybody else but him, no family, no friends) and I got really upset.

It turns out I used to work at a shop where I was brutally bullied, so bad that I got sick and wound up at a mental health hospital. They'd make fun of me, they spread false rumors, they insulted me and so on. My cousin was there every time I needed help, he visited me at the hospital, etc. I even lived with him until I found a place to stay on my own. I feel like I've been a burden for him for a while, so now I feel he doesn't give a damn about me after all of that.

Now to the point: we were talking just yesterday and he told me he wants to do some shopping at the store where I was being bullied, so I felt utterly offended and I tlold him, he can forget about me if he does. That'd be a hard decision, since he is the only person I know in town for the time being, so that'd put me in a tight spot. He told methose were just my experiences and not his' and that I'm still resentful and should get over it.

Now, being so many stores in town, shouldn't I feel betrayed if he decides to go there? Where my enemies work? After becoming mentally ill because of bullying? Or am I just overreacting.

I'd be thankful if you could help me see the situation from a neutral standpoint. Like I said, it'd be tough being in no terms with the only guy I know in town, but I feel he's betraying me and doesn't care about me anymore after I've been a burden in his life.
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sun Jan 19, 2020 1:40 am

Marty73 wrote:Now, being so many stores in town, shouldn't I feel betrayed if he decides to go there?


He can go to whatever store he wants. And you can go to any store you want. He isn't forcing you to go to a specific store. You can politely decline. But, the idea that he can't go to the store or it's a betrayal? That's you being manipulative.

If I were him I would go to whatever store I wished and you could feel however you wish to feel. It's not my problem. It's your problem.
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#2

Postby tokeless » Sun Jan 19, 2020 7:29 am

You're overreacting I think. He isn't betraying you by shopping somewhere he hasn't had a problem with.
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#3

Postby Infinite » Wed Mar 18, 2020 2:05 pm

I think you have two or more different issues here:
You have an experience that probably exacerbated some other mental health issues you have had.
You are in a different country and far away from familiar family and friends and life.
You are over dependent on this friend and wrongfully or rightfully he is not willing to validate some of your real concerns.
Your feelings of betrayal are valid but your feelings or action requesting him not to do something are not at least from his perspective if I should take his perspective on this. Your perspective seems he should be on your side and that is right for you but not for him evidently.

So what to do:
You can find another job and hopefully you did already so you have other means to take care of yourself.
You can try to make friends or join some forums where you can really meet others so you are not emotionally, socially, physically and financially dependent on one person.
You can try to understand or try to remember a situation where you did something someone else did not like and see how you reacted and try to relate to your cousin in similar fashion.
You start to take responsibility of your mental health - this is very serious and learn ways to cope that are long term.
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#4

Postby CandyApples » Fri Mar 20, 2020 12:07 am

Hello,
I do think him going to the store should not warrant you two not speaking. Its just a store, in and out. He buys the items gives the bullies the money and off he goes. I do not think its betraying and perhaps the store is more convient for him to go into? Now if he helped your bully change a flat tire or something then ya Id be a little mad. I mean I duno maybe you would go in there with your cousin and show how better off you are now, or pretend to not even remember how much those bullies hurt you, ppl hate when you look at them like they are not there, like they had no power over you.

You dont want to be a bully to your cousin ya know? I think regardless of who worked here, he would still want to go to that store, I dont think hes going there to personally high five the employees that work there. You never know he may go, buy his items then tell the bullies to pound sand...I think its harmless.
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#5

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Mar 20, 2020 3:01 am

CandyApples wrote:Hello,
Now if he helped your bully change a flat tire or something then ya Id be a little mad. I mean I duno maybe you would go in there with your cousin and show how better off you are now, or pretend to not even remember how much those bullies hurt you, ppl hate when you look at them like they are not there, like they had no power over you.


I have a different thought process CandyApples.

Being mad at a friend for helping another person in a time of need shows more about the character of the person getting angry than the "bully". If any "friend" was to become angry at me because I helped a person change a flat tire I would not hesitate to tell them to (insert creative expletive) off.

My friends would see me changing the tire and offer me a hand. They might not like the bully, but they would do the right thing.

If I had a friend that I knew didn't like a "bully" and that friend asked me to go with them to show how much better off and that they didn't even remember, I would tell that friend to go get therapy. That they would even approach me with such an idea would demonstrate a level of psychological immaturity I would expect from teenagers in middle school.

I don't like the term "bully" that is so easily thrown about these days, but I get that we all have people that we don't like, that we hold grudges against, or that we think hurt us in some way or another. How we decide to handle those relationships are a test of who we are, of who we want to be. Those relationships are opportunities to demonstrate, not to the "bully", but to ourselves that we can do the right thing in spite of those feelings.
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#6

Postby Candid » Fri Mar 20, 2020 9:47 am

Marty73 wrote:I was brutally bullied, so bad that I got sick and wound up at a mental health hospital. They'd make fun of me, they spread false rumors, they insulted me and so on.


Unless "and so on" includes physical assault, your definition of brutal differs from mine.

You're way too young, dependent and emotionally fragile to be living away from your parents. If I were your cousin I would resent being in loco parentis and would make immediate arrangements for you to go home as an unaccompanied minor. You're clearly in no position to dictate to him.

I feel like I've been a burden for him for a while, so now I feel he doesn't give a damn about me after all of that.


That's probably true, and being told he can forget about you if he shops at a store where you had a bad experience was precisely what he expected.

That'd be a hard decision, since he is the only person I know in town for the time being, so that'd put me in a tight spot.


You mean having to take care of yourself? Was it agreed between him and your parents that he would look after you? If so, I think you have to do as he says.
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#7

Postby Infinite » Fri Mar 20, 2020 12:09 pm

At the end of the day having feelings and acting on feelings are different. You feel sad or hurt or even angry at your cousin. You cannot control what you feel so you acknowledge that. End. What you do not want yo do is always have others act according to your feeling.. You csn try but that is disaster cause ultimately you can't make others obey your feelings that you cannot stop them in the first place.
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#8

Postby CandyApples » Wed Mar 25, 2020 7:14 pm

True, our reactions are a reflection of our maturity. Granted, per my post I would react in such ways as I wrote because I know Im not fully mature in that regard. Im just now getting to terms of how to self assert, which also makes me want to kinda sock it to some ppl who did me wrong, all while knowing..its not worth it.

This is easier said then done, but it is true to not let people control how happy you are, or how you feel. I tell myself this everyday and it does offer temporary relief, but then if I see certain ppl, it all goes out the window. If you just--make the bully not part of your life, mentally, like...erase them somehow or try not to dwell, you do feel a lot lighter. I duno Richard answers with Wisdom, I answer I think with more on what we would naturally feel without that sort of wisdom, which is truly hard for some ppl..its hard to have that sort of view on life and make your feelings go with it, but it is very very worth it to try and unlable ppl as enemies, dont let them have anymore power and continue to hurt you or trouble you. Just be happy they are not in your life and if your cousin goes to the store he goes. The flat tire thing, eh I think i still stand on being a little irritated on that but I do understand as we grow, why I shouldnt feel that way.
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