Searching for my calling

Postby Optymistyk » Wed Jan 22, 2020 2:44 pm

I'm continuing on my path of self-discovery, trying to find a direction in life. Today I've spent a long time writing down what is important to me, what is my purpose. Here's what I ended up with

What I value
Loyalty - to the ones closest to me
Honesty - protect others from deceit
Righteousness - protect others from chaos
Growth - help people and the environment achieve their full beauty

What I want to have
Power - the means to enact my will
Brotherhood - the people who support my cause
Beauty - the fruit of my labor

What I want to learn
Leadership
Mentorship
Self-defence
Strategy
Conflict solving

I want to be the rock people can lean on
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Now I'm looking for suggestions how I should go about implementing this to live true to myself. A calling or a career path. It's difficult for me to come up with anything realistic really
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#1

Postby tokeless » Wed Jan 22, 2020 4:34 pm

What you have written are your values and desires to be. Until you live by those values and use them in your own life you are not in a position to use them for others I would suggest. Try living by them and perhaps they will open you up to what is your future path?
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#2

Postby Optymistyk » Wed Jan 22, 2020 10:22 pm

tokeless wrote:What you have written are your values and desires to be. Until you live by those values and use them in your own life you are not in a position to use them for others I would suggest. Try living by them and perhaps they will open you up to what is your future path?

Yeah well I promised myself I will always be honest even if it hurts and I will defend Innocent people from harm. I've also decided to join a charity for children. I don't know what else I can do? I've been thinking about joining the UN army
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#3

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Thu Jan 23, 2020 2:44 pm

@Optymistyk

Optymistyk wrote:I was thinking I should become a teacher or a child psychologist. I think the education system is bad and we lack good teachers who actually give a damn. So many bad things have their beginning in school - loneliness, depression, anxiety, death of creativity. School is a place where grades in some useless subject are somehow more important than helping the kid who gets bullied. When I was in school everybody knew I was bullied and noone gave a damn. I think there's no task more important than making sure the kids have a chance at becomming happy productive adults


What happened to becoming a teacher or counselor?

I went through a similar exercise in 2010 of writing down what I value, etc. It is a fun, worthwhile exercise and I think everyone should take the time to reflect on those things. But, there is a problem. Searching for a "calling" is a purely mental exercise that gets you nowhere. Why?

Because (1) sitting around mulling over all the potential futures doesn't give you any lived feedback and (2) there is no such thing as a "calling" because as you live and get feedback whatever "calling" will change.

As an analogy, you are sitting on a rock looking up at the mountains. There are many paths you could take, but you can't seem to get moving. You watch as other people walk past you and start on their journeys. You are certain that you don't want to hike to the top of some mountains while others look more appealing, but which one? Which mountain is calling you?

You self-handicap as you think, and think, and think. You don't want to pick the wrong path, you don't want to fail, so you sit there. You have great intentions. When you do finally pick a path you are going to crush it you think! You will have the power, the strategy, the righteousness to be the rock everyone leads on.

And so you sit there.

Other people are taking their paths and you watch them. You see them struggling, switching paths, wasting time, getting hurt. A few of them even retreat all the way back to your rock and "start over". Foolish of them, right? NO! They are learning while you sit on your rock. They are getting the lived experience. They are climbing mountains!

You have explained your excuses for not giving the military a try, for not giving the Red Cross a go, and presumably you now have some reason why you don't want to get off your rock and give teaching/counseling a try.

Look, I'm not saying reflection on your values isn't helpful, but it must be supplemented by action! It is a balance. There is no such thing as "a calling" in life. That's hogwash.
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#4

Postby Optymistyk » Thu Jan 23, 2020 9:12 pm

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:@Optymistyk

Optymistyk wrote:I was thinking I should become a teacher or a child psychologist. I think the education system is bad and we lack good teachers who actually give a damn. So many bad things have their beginning in school - loneliness, depression, anxiety, death of creativity. School is a place where grades in some useless subject are somehow more important than helping the kid who gets bullied. When I was in school everybody knew I was bullied and noone gave a damn. I think there's no task more important than making sure the kids have a chance at becomming happy productive adults


What happened to becoming a teacher or counselor?

I went through a similar exercise in 2010 of writing down what I value, etc. It is a fun, worthwhile exercise and I think everyone should take the time to reflect on those things. But, there is a problem. Searching for a "calling" is a purely mental exercise that gets you nowhere. Why?

Because (1) sitting around mulling over all the potential futures doesn't give you any lived feedback and (2) there is no such thing as a "calling" because as you live and get feedback whatever "calling" will change.

As an analogy, you are sitting on a rock looking up at the mountains. There are many paths you could take, but you can't seem to get moving. You watch as other people walk past you and start on their journeys. You are certain that you don't want to hike to the top of some mountains while others look more appealing, but which one? Which mountain is calling you?

You self-handicap as you think, and think, and think. You don't want to pick the wrong path, you don't want to fail, so you sit there. You have great intentions. When you do finally pick a path you are going to crush it you think! You will have the power, the strategy, the righteousness to be the rock everyone leads on.

And so you sit there.

Other people are taking their paths and you watch them. You see them struggling, switching paths, wasting time, getting hurt. A few of them even retreat all the way back to your rock and "start over". Foolish of them, right? NO! They are learning while you sit on your rock. They are getting the lived experience. They are climbing mountains!

You have explained your excuses for not giving the military a try, for not giving the Red Cross a go, and presumably you now have some reason why you don't want to get off your rock and give teaching/counseling a try.

Look, I'm not saying reflection on your values isn't helpful, but it must be supplemented by action! It is a balance. There is no such thing as "a calling" in life. That's hogwash.


Yeah well I still intend to give the Red Cross a try and in fact I'm gonna start tomorrow, cuz I've been away for a few weeks and just came back. I also want to take part in a charity for children, and I'm considering the military.

About being a teacher, I still think it's probably the most important work one can have... But then I had a talk about it with my father and he was not very optimistic about it. He said the wages are very poor, that I will struggle to support a family, that no quality woman will want to marry me, that I won't be respected, that there's very little to no opportunity for growth, that I will get bored and sick of the kids... In short he filled me with doubt. And he said I should have higher ambitions. I'm quite frankly afraid to try. But you're right that I have to start doing something. Even if I wanted to I can't currently go study education. But I do intend to take part in a charity that organizes free private lessons for children from poor families and I've already contacted them, so it's a start.
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#5

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Thu Jan 23, 2020 9:25 pm

In what stage of life are you, i.e. what's your current age/education/financial freedom? I'm asking, because it is relevant to how you move forward. Specifically, it matters regarding family dynamics and options for moving forward.

If you are living with family, no degree, unemployed, and they pay your bills the phase you are in is different than a person living on their own and degree completed.
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#6

Postby Candid » Fri Jan 24, 2020 7:28 am

Optymistyk wrote:I'm gonna start tomorrow


Yeah, me too.



If the poor wages paid to teachers are a stumbling block, it's probably your "calling" to consider what's available and apply to the highest bidder.

Did you ask your father what he meant by a "quality woman"?
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#7

Postby Optymistyk » Fri Jan 24, 2020 6:37 pm

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:In what stage of life are you, i.e. what's your current age/education/financial freedom? I'm asking, because it is relevant to how you move forward. Specifically, it matters regarding family dynamics and options for moving forward.

If you are living with family, no degree, unemployed, and they pay your bills the phase you are in is different than a person living on their own and degree completed.


My stage in life is that I went to the best university of technology in my country only to discover I hated my studies. But I have an elite family of doctors so there was a lot of pressure on me to have higher education. So I pushed on, I forced myself to keep going. Not only that, I was a loner with huge social issues. On the 2nd year I think I had depression, but I didn't look for help - I didn't want any. I ended up failing several subjects and had to take a year off

That was possibly the best year of my life. I finally learned how to open myself up to people, partied a lot, had sex for the first time, went on a trip to Norway and I didn't even have to go to work. My parents said I needed a break so they paid for everything. So I thought my life was finally comming together and somehow I'm gonna make it, complete my studies and live happily

Then I came back, 5th semester went decently. But 6th was a disaster. I felt apathy and a complete lack of will to live, to wake up even. I failed most of my subjects and I was kicked out from the university. I had to go to work, but I felt such apathy I couldn't really make myself look for any job. I sent few applications, my CV was very low effort, on job interviews I was so apathetic nobody really wanted to hire me. I eventually found a job as an Amazon warehouseman, because they would hire almost anybody. I hated that job almost as much as my studies. After 3 months they decided not to extend my job contract, so I ended up jobless. Then I returned to my parents and I told them I thought I must be sick. Surely enough, I was diagnosed with depression, hashimoto and thyroiditis.

The doctor said it was caused by extreme stress. Which is funny, cuz I used to cry to my parents that I felt like I was going to live shorter because of those studies, and they told me I was whining. The doctor also said I was in no shape to continue my studies without medication, then gave me a doctors note to help me resume my studies if I wanted to.

So this is my current situation. I'm 23 yo, single, unemployed, from a well-off family. I have the option of resuming my studies in February if I wanted to. On one hand there's only 2 semesters left and after that I will at least be able to find a well-paid stable job. But I hated those studies from the very beginning and I think I'm not gonna like the job very much either. I joked that I have the choice of being unhappy and unstable or unhappy but stable. My parents didn't think it's funny
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#8

Postby Optymistyk » Fri Jan 24, 2020 6:40 pm

But the good news is, I'm now a volounteer for the Polish Red Cross, and to be honest I do feel excitement for the first time in many months
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#9

Postby Optymistyk » Fri Jan 24, 2020 6:47 pm

Candid wrote:Did you ask your father what he meant by a "quality woman"?


We have different ideas what a "quality woman" is.

I want a woman that's sexy, loves me, is not unemployed and wants to have kids. Is all I want. But the pretty ones want a guy who's rich and shiet. I just worry I'm gonna end up with a girl from the bottom of the barrel, a fat lazy special snowflake. There's quite a few of them where I live.
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#10

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Jan 24, 2020 7:35 pm

Optymistyk wrote:So this is my current situation. I'm 23 yo, single, unemployed, from a well-off family. I have the option of resuming my studies in February if I wanted to.

I'm now a volunteer for the Polish Red Cross

I want a woman that's sexy, loves me, is not unemployed and wants to have kids. It is all I want.


Okay, so you're at a stage where you are trying to break away from your current authority figures, e.g. your parents, and establish your own identity. That's normal at this stage.

The exercise of stating your values is good, but don't kid yourself. You're not yet living your values. You're still being heavily influenced by your parents and what they value, what they believe.

The Polish Red Cross is a good step. They will help offer a new authority in your life with slightly different values for you to consider.

And from what authority did you learn what you want in a woman? Your father has some influence, but probably the values of your peer group as well as the local community are influencing what you say you want. How do I know? Because you didn't connect what you want in a partner to your stated values. Not even slightly. well. So she can be a bad person that doesn't share your values or goals, but as long as she has a job and kids and gives you emotional comfort that's all you need? That's not going to work out very well.

Don't go back to school. That's what your parents want. That's what they value. It isn't what you value. Go to the Red Cross and find some role models.
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#11

Postby Optymistyk » Fri Jan 24, 2020 10:07 pm

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:
Optymistyk wrote:So this is my current situation. I'm 23 yo, single, unemployed, from a well-off family. I have the option of resuming my studies in February if I wanted to.

I'm now a volunteer for the Polish Red Cross

I want a woman that's sexy, loves me, is not unemployed and wants to have kids. It is all I want.


Okay, so you're at a stage where you are trying to break away from your current authority figures, e.g. your parents, and establish your own identity. That's normal at this stage.

The exercise of stating your values is good, but don't kid yourself. You're not yet living your values. You're still being heavily influenced by your parents and what they value, what they believe.

The Polish Red Cross is a good step. They will help offer a new authority in your life with slightly different values for you to consider.

And from what authority did you learn what you want in a woman? Your father has some influence, but probably the values of your peer group as well as the local community are influencing what you say you want. How do I know? Because you didn't connect what you want in a partner to your stated values. Not even slightly. well. So she can be a bad person that doesn't share your values or goals, but as long as she has a job and kids and gives you emotional comfort that's all you need? That's not going to work out very well.

Don't go back to school. That's what your parents want. That's what they value. It isn't what you value. Go to the Red Cross and find some role models.


You're right, I wasn't very specific about the woman I want. I think it's for two reasons, one I've always struggled with women so even if she didn't share my values I guess I could live with that, so long as she doesn't interfere with what I try to accomplish. Two, I've been disappointed with women so many times, I used to put them on a pedestal but now I sometimes can't help but be disgusted by the things they do. I guess love is a stupid thing. Yeah if I had the choice of a beautiful, ambitious woman that loves me for me, gets along with me, supports my values and wants to start a family then I'd be married already. However I don't even know if such a woman exists, never mind getting her to like me

If I don't resume my studies I will have to go back to work. The last work I've had was almost as horrible. I don't know if I can find anything much better. I don't know what I'm gonna do, work in a flower shop? Short term yeah, why not, but then what? If I do resume my studies however then this semester will be a lot easier because I will be repeating it but I won't have to retake the subjects I've passed before they kicked me out. So there will be about 50% less work, I think I can handle that. That gives me more time for the Red Cross and trying out other things

The problem with my studies is not even that I hate the subject, because I don't. I think the subject can be quite interesting in moderate ammounts. Like yeah I can go watch a Youtube video on the subject and go "heh, that's interesting. Well I'm satisfied now". But then once you actually have to go into the nitty-gritty detail it becomes extremely boring, difficult and stressful, and even that's still not the issue. The issue is that I see no point in it. I don't see a way that I could realistically do anything good with it. I could earn good money with it, but I don't believe that will make me fulfilled and happy. Shouldn't that be why we go to work, to make the world a bit better? Because I don't want to feel like I'm slaving my life away to fill the bottomless pit of human consumption. I don't want to end up like Joe from Fight Club, living just to complete my IKEA furniture collection
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#12

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Jan 24, 2020 10:14 pm

Optymistyk wrote: I don't see a way that I could realistically do anything good with it. I could earn good money with it, but I don't believe that will make me fulfilled and happy. Shouldn't that be why we go to work, to make the world a bit better? Because I don't want to feel like I'm slaving my life away to fill the bottomless pit of human consumption.


What degree do you think allows a person to make good money, but doesn't also allow them to make the world a bit better?
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#13

Postby Optymistyk » Fri Jan 24, 2020 11:48 pm

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:What degree do you think allows a person to make good money, but doesn't also allow them to make the world a bit better?


IT
I do not feel like studying IT makes the world any better.
Because who really needs another useless application for your smartphone? More online stores, more social media to waste your time on? More VR and video games to escape the reality? If anything I think we have too much of it. And don't get me wrong I think there's a place for all that, I just don't think we need more and I don't think it's helping anybody, maybe even causing harm because people can't use it properly
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#14

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sat Jan 25, 2020 1:01 am

Optymistyk wrote:IT
I do not feel like studying IT makes the world any better.


Your member name is Optymistyk, but seem to have ZERO optimism about basically anything. Why? Everything is negative using your view of the world.

Are you SERIOUSLY telling me that you are unable to see how IT has made the world a better place!?!?!? You SERIOUSLY have no clue how IT has shortened response times for police and fire departments? You have ZERO knowledge of how IT has allowed surgery to be conducted remotely? You have NO idea how IT has given children access to education in remote areas of the world?

Look, I know that you are young, but that isn't the problem here. You're just a pessimist. You don't look for the good in basically...well...anything. You want to be the rock that people can lean on, but guess what? NO ONE wants to lean on the person that pisses all over nearly every aspect in life.

You don't have to use an IT degree to work for Amazon or Google. Guess who also needs IT? The Red Cross, the World Health Organization, the UN, etc. But you think IT offers nothing. Pfffff! Ridiculous...absolutely ridiculous.

With the above stated, I still don't think IT is right for you. I think the Red Cross is a better path. Based on your values you want accolades, you want validation. You don't want to be someone behind the scenes getting zero recognition. Based on your values you want applause. IT has little chance of getting you any of that.

You need something where you can get your validation immediately, e.g. teacher, nurse, first responder, etc. Not as much money, but you get the validation. And I can tell you from 1st hand experience if you go the 1st responder route there are plenty of women attracted to those professions.
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