What is it that I like and what are my problems?

Postby gtsolid » Fri Jan 24, 2020 11:21 am

Hi everyone!
i don't feel so depressed but my life need a change.

Certainly I get bored in the evening and even during the day I am listless.
I run, I study Chinese, I play guitar. Ok but I'm running alone and the other 2 activities have finished, the course is over and the interaction is zero.
On Saturday evening there are few people left and we go to dinner, pleasant but nothing more.
What to do?
I need company to make it more pleasant, but I live in a relatively isolated area where there is little to do.
Throw me on the job? I do not want. I'd like to find something to work for rather. I don't want to fall into appearance.
I feel quite down and unmotivated. I have no goals.
What can I do? Am I dissatisfied? i'm 29 yrs old
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Jan 24, 2020 12:56 pm

gtsolid wrote:i don't feel so depressed but my life need a change.

I have no goals.
What can I do?


What can you do? Set goals. Set goals that will change your life.

Given that you seem to be socially isolated, set goals that solve that problem.
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#2

Postby gtsolid » Fri Jan 24, 2020 1:28 pm

But how? i feel many incitement, but they last for few time. For example i succeed in filming and mounting a video about a 5 days bicycle trip i had in south of Italy. And i also uploaded to YouTube, so i felt quite satisfied.
But after that i suddenly come back to the usual life. I love to play guitar in group, but i hate doing it alone. I succeed in running 5K in 18' (after many years training), but now i cannot feel exciting before going to run.
I can get no satisfaction and my desires last for few time.
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#3

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Jan 24, 2020 1:43 pm

Why to YouTube? Why do you need a group of people to watch you play guitar. It sounds like you are setting goals primarily to be validated.

In education there is a balance between motivation to performance versus motivations to master. Peformance goals versus mastery goals. You don't learn guitar to master how to play, but to perform in front of others, to gain their approval. With most goals there is a bit of a mix of motivation, but your balance sounds off. You are setting goals to impress others.

Try setting some mastery goals. This requires a different frame of mind.

What is a goal that you want to accomplish just for you? What is a goal that you want to accomplish that it would not matter what anyone else thought about your performance, but that you would want to accomplish just because it is something you want to do?
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#4

Postby gtsolid » Fri Jan 24, 2020 1:50 pm

Yeah that's a way of thinking. I don't have. I want to impress others. I like the feeling and i have the talent.
How can i change this part of me? I don't want it anymore.
When i was a teenager i was the opposite and i've been happy.
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#5

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Jan 24, 2020 1:57 pm

gtsolid wrote:How can i change this part of me?


It takes deliberate effort. It takes setting mastery goals, preferably goals that no one else will know about or care about or praise you for. As you accomplish mastery goals they will become easier.

Think about things you could do anonymously, but they would make you feel good about yourself.
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#6

Postby gtsolid » Fri Jan 24, 2020 2:50 pm

But what about the socialization part?
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#7

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Jan 24, 2020 3:56 pm

gtsolid wrote:But what about the socialization part?


Your problem is less about socialization and more about social approval. The YouTube video isn't socialization.

The physiology is that your brain is being stimulated, releasing a small amount of adrenaline and dopamine when you set goals where you risk rejection in front of others, e.g. play guitar for others. Playing for mastery of the guitar doesn't give you this release. Neither does just socializing.

It's like breaking a habit of being addicted to sugar. It's not easy. It takes deliberate effort to no longer consume sugar and it takes time for your brain to rewire.

Here is an example...become a master gardener. You are planting, cultivating, and harvesting. You are tending to living things, it requires patience, and the reward is mostly intrinsic. You get to literally enjoy the fruits of your labor. You can be proud of what you have accomplished with no need for external approval. The connections in your brain will change.

Of course you can ruin the goal if you frame it as to get accolades from others. If you are only growing fruits/vegetables to then give them to others as to receive their approval then the motivation is once again about performance, about the external. The connections in your brain will remain the same.

If you want to address the problem you have already pointed to an unavoidable truth, that you must change. But you want change that comes with comfort, excitement, that replaces your social approval adrenaline with another motivator that provides an equivalent if not better shot of dopamine. You are like an addict that just wants to trade one drug for another. You don't want to face withdrawal symptoms.

Just think about it. I'm not saying give up all your social dopamine at once. I'm saying that you need to find balance. Stop with the 100% pursuit of social approval and start rewiring your brain to enjoy mastery of something.
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#8

Postby gtsolid » Fri Jan 24, 2020 9:17 pm

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:Stop with the 100% pursuit of social approval and start rewiring your brain to enjoy mastery of something.

Yes, i need to enjoy something more little and find a way inside myself. The external action will need be coherent with the inside "spirit" (Let's call it in this way.).
Rewiring it's hard. Just with electrical cables (sometimes it's my job), i don't want to think about what rewiring a brain means.
In any case i will try. Frustration is the harbinger of the depression. It's better to stay out of this building.
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#9

Postby Bluesdude » Fri Jun 19, 2020 6:36 am

gtsolid wrote:But how? i feel many incitement, but they last for few time. For example i succeed in filming and mounting a video about a 5 days bicycle trip i had in south of Italy. And i also uploaded to YouTube, so i felt quite satisfied.
But after that i suddenly come back to the usual life. I love to play guitar in group, but i hate doing it alone. I succeed in running 5K in 18' (after many years training), but now i cannot feel exciting before going to run.
I can get no satisfaction and my desires last for few time.

Set a goal about riding great distances and meet the goals. I’m planning a walk from the west coast to the east coast soon. You can do it!
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