Why can't I get along with more than 1 Best Friend?

Postby CandyApples » Sat Feb 22, 2020 12:00 am

So, you all prob heard my rants by now------admittingly my world is changing and it would be nice to have a friend, A friend mind you. My best friend is states away but we still talk all the time and have known eachother since we were teens. I have never ever felt around her like I do most other girls. I find most girls to be very hard to get along with on a friend level. Coworker level fine, a little beyond that, sure...hang out once in a while , ok...but like bff ? nope. Can you decipher?

My Best Friend:
Shes -- Independent, very very chill/calm, easily laughs at herself, loyal as heck, not showy, very down to earth, creative, playful, affectionate, adventurous, open-minded, strict standards--granted, doesnt make the best choices sometimes but takes the punch and rolls with it, a little too "free" sometimes,

Girl/sis in law that is trying to make all of us like the tv show friends: loud, arrogant, one side minded, judgemental, tries to buy you, overbearring, does show some care, is not flashy which is good, not much in common at all, over steps a little too much, kinda gives me a headach even if shes doing nothing wrong.

Girls in general that attempted friendships - loud, bossy, flashy, full of themselves, quick to be catty and toss you under the buss, more interested in the latest HBO gossip then like..I duno anything I can relate too that is, just like a swarm of beez , like overwhelming too much.

What makes MY friend different then most girls? is she a mutant or something? Why cant I find another person like her? Its not that I dont want to, I go into thigns initially being very open, like helping someone out with a issue, or dying somones hair , etc..then like...they turn into control freaks and seem very all about themselves.....and why dont ppl take the time to get to know ppl instead of "oh I met you for a day we are bffs now, Im gonna tell you whats wrong with the way you cook and demand you go to my party etc etc etc".......to me its like calm down, let me get to know you and trust you, vise versa before we start doing all that...but..nooooooooo ( I seem so childish Im sure lol)
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sat Feb 22, 2020 5:48 am

Based on your posts it sounds like you are not very fond of change, stepping outside of your comfort zone, trying things that are different, etc. You have a narrow tolerance and prefer things that change slowly.

If you want to have another good friend it might be more about the situations where you are trying to connect. It is normal if you do a favor for someone for them to want to repay in kind and even go above what you did for them. In psychology, it is called social reciprocity. You feel this is them coming on too strong and that turns you off as it takes you away from your comfort.

I think you should find some activity you enjoy outside the home and try to develop friendships organically. Participate in the activity and refrain from helping or making any commitment to another person that will then cause them to want to reciprocate. If you connect keep the activty small like going for coffee. That way any reciprocity will be minimized.

Anyway, it is fine for you to like your comfort zone and to prefer change to be slow. Just take that into consideration when trying to develop a friendship.
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#2

Postby Candid » Sat Feb 22, 2020 9:21 am

CandyApples wrote:they turn into control freaks and seem very all about themselves.....


Interesting.
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#3

Postby CandyApples » Sun Feb 23, 2020 1:25 am

Richard, you seem very right about what you say, thank you for your insight vs jumping to a conclusion that Im selfish or something. Candid, I know I may sound controlling, but I dont feel I am. I just like my space, its like sitting by yourself to read a book and enjoying that, then someone sits next to you and starts talking...no harm, then the next day they do the samething, then you reply with "ya i just like to have sometime to read and be alone" and yet the NEXT day they sit next to you again, and then get mad because your reading a book and not going with them to the coffee shop or something. It is alot of underlying situations that is very hard to explain, I Just type the newest issue, not whats been building up.Richard@DecisionSkills I think kinda gets me a little better, I do simply just like my own space, and more organic friendships and change that is slow and that I can process. I also like to be treated how I treat others, and when I listen, I listen with my heart, not just for the sake of it, then get mad later bc I didnt "hear" the person. As far as them reciprocating, Im very thankful when ppl go out of their way to say thankyou.....but Im not ok when they do something passive agressive or flat out out of line then try to buy me, like my sister in law does, or I feel she does. I guess I see patterns hardcore, and even predicted their behaviors months in advance. I wrote it down and put it in a drawer and sure enough she and her boyfriend or ppl in general, do exactly whats on the paper. so just that..and its very detailed. Much like Pavlovs Dog study I think it was, when he predicted they drool at the sound of a bell....I think when I can predict problematic behaviors, even after I try and tell ppl hey this is how I feel and then listen to what they say and dont go out of my way to make them uncomfortable, ..why cant they just have the same respect? (candid, Im sure you may think Im awful, and to be honest, I generally dont like people...I love individual human beings, but people as a whole...just are not butterflies and rainbows and kind as many want to belive bc they cant have it any other way in their reality. I do appreciate any character flaws you see and would like to learn more so I can correct my own behavior as well)
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