Scary-out of stock

#15

Postby CandyApples » Tue Mar 03, 2020 7:08 pm

Before I read the replies, I just wanted to post this so I do not get side tracked.

My point on here is not to preach about reality, or tell you what your reality is at that. My point is to explain my reality. We each make our own reality, from thougths, feelings, actions, religious backgrounds, each and very one of us lives in our own reality, not one of us can say our reality is exactly what is, because we are not all knowing. We build on prespectives, how we process data and events that happen in our lives. So my presceptions are just that, and are not made to try and warp yours and vise versa, which is why I wonder why it sounds so bad to you all and why it seems like such a huge deal. I simply feel some things and came on here to talk through root cause. Not whos right and who isnt. I know most of my answers already, I just wanted help peeling through the layers.

Just got done watching Dr. Phil who he himself said mass shootings have doubled since , he listed a date but I couldnt quote it now. He---also agreed crime and murder in society is getting worse. Its not a matter of your postive vibes, its a matter of statistical fact. Im focused on here in America, maybe over sees its not so bad, maybe its worse in others, but right now statistical fact is showing a decline in certain areas of humanity.

That is not to discredit the good people do and how hard they work for the common good what so ever. There would not be groups that do good if they didnt recognize the bad. So it is out there...are ppl doing something about it ...sure...but from a commoners prespective who is very open to what is right in front of them, from a police perspective, from a psychologist perspective , etc, etc....from simple data......there is alot going on right now to where some people are going to come on to a place like this and say "hey this is how I feel and why". It is not ones job to tell him their feelings are invalid. And I think a wiser person instead of taking a few pages and making a diagnosis, would first find root cause, ask deeper questions, try to put themselves in positions that they have not experienced, and maybe give it time before they become the all-knowing and the righteous.

I came on here bc I was having a hard time with my family dynamics and the loss of my dad. That is not a unheard of issue. My take on society is most certainly a common feeling --its not unheard of or alien...so its a very simple surfacey issue that really Id like to focus on more, instead of trying to justify who is "right" in views. And I would really love for people to understand I am not excluding myself and acting perfect when I talk about society. I think in every post I admit flaw, I think the issue of what I post gets very lost in other peoples triggered reactions to me not thinking how they do--which that alone is part of the problem we are experiencing in this world. Take a moment and try to see what is really being said please. Ask more questions if needed. Now, I will read the replies.
CandyApples
Junior Member
 
Posts: 67
Joined: Wed Feb 19, 2020 1:04 pm
Likes Received: 4


#16

Postby CandyApples » Tue Mar 03, 2020 7:27 pm

Richard, thank you for sharing, what you have witnessed is def a familiar story that people in my close circle have also been through. I havent seen that exact situations but have in part. I give you credit for bouncing from all that with a might and a light that I just dont seem to understand, but none the less I do see its value. I know you think my views can change in that regard ,but they can not.....deeper more, I chose not to. I take one of those instances and cant unthink the pain of the mother who found their 3 year old blue in the crib. I cant pretend to note how years later that affected her life to where it lead to drinking and ultimately her death. How she tried for years to chin up and go about the daily, only silently screaming at night alone bc society says move on, and people dont understand how raw she still is. This is not made up, I witnessed that person and saw how their life ended. It rings volumes to me til this day. I do not think me feeling that and trying to process it over and over (thats just one example) makes me any less than you, (not saying you said that I just cant think of another word) except you take those things and grow stronger in your mission, from it. I can not tell someone itll be ok when they lost their child from a mass shooting, I can not offer any light to that reality. Im not sure how one can, and I can not process it in my brain without it exploding. All I can do is be one--of many people who will be there when they chose not to smile, when they are in their not so good moments, bc that lacks very much in society. PPl only stick around for a little bit. Sometimes people just need to be in company when they can say hey today I think ppl stink, and then have the other say ya, I get it. Sometimes thats all it takes bc you are not bad or wrong for having moments to where you feel that way. Sometimes moments are years.

Mental health care is unaffordable. We try to say we admit to the mental health crisis in the US yet make it to where ppl cant access it. Without insurance its roughly $100 per session. Most ppl at a certain , lets say depressed level, havent worked or couldnt or have bills etc, to where $100 lets say 2 days a week, is unreachable. So the person suffers in that regard.

Thank you for clarifying the question on my husband and I apologize for thinking you were taking a jab. Again he views the same in this regard, and actually has less than grip on it than I do. While he is ignorant on empathy (which is a huge problem ) his resources with anger runs in full force. That, is another topic.
I wish to process my feelings, and in order to process it or to make it a little less intense, I need to talk, much like Im doing on here. The sis in law thing to me feels so much better, all bc i was given the chance to get it out. Now back to my husband, in that regard, he doesnt want any part of it, because there is no need to "talk". To him its black and white. To note he has been in a bubble and has yet to experience anything going much wrong. I worry the time when he does. Yet he still has the same views I do, just plated differently. I appreciate your softer note of sharing and you pulling back a layer. I can not imagine being in your position and having the ability to still see the beauty in things, unscathed. That is a compliment.
CandyApples
Junior Member
 
Posts: 67
Joined: Wed Feb 19, 2020 1:04 pm
Likes Received: 4

#17

Postby CandyApples » Tue Mar 03, 2020 7:48 pm

whoa lots on here, OK lets do Quiet Voice first- Here we go, Yes I still eat fish. When I did attempt Vegan I didnt eat fish or any thing at all with animal product in it. What I did wrong to revert from that was not educate myself on what I should put in my body in order to maintain its nutrtional and energy level, etc. So I thought ok I can get away with eating salad and green veggies and smoothies. That didnt work for me. I did some research on after where it lists foods vegan ppl could eat, reciepe ideas, etc....and most of those foods I just didnt like and didnt find myself eating. I would not eat instead. So yes, I did bring back fish into my diet. Yes I believe they feel pain and have I gone back to things like butter, ..I have.....do I know how contradicting that sounds...I do. But that is just me being honest. As far as moving, I wish.... I would love to move waaayy out in the woods and live off the land (I have a family member who actually does that) but life circumstances does not make that possible at the moment, but it is a huge dream of mine.

Candid...oh boy, you do give me a run for my money. Ofcourse me being a newcomer on here probably makes me over zealous. I see us 4 write on the daily. The police officer thing I took first hand, as it was straight from my fathers mouth. So he lived the life and talked the talk, and his is how he and many others truly felt. That doesnt make them wrong or bad. It makes them real. It makes the ones who dont feel that way real too. Real is what you feel/know/or process in your brain at that moment until proven otherwise.

I didnt read most replies at first for the simple fact when I read something, I want to write what comes to my mind and not get side tracked reading someone elses response but it my sway what I wanted to say. And like I said, I look at it as one on one, well not now bc we all are grouping in topics.

(trying not to make this long i know i write alot)- As for me wanting people to think like me, my way or high way...no no and no. I enjoy other peoples prespectives and even when conversations become intense, its all part of the process. It makes you think or feel things you normally wouldnt.
The napkin thing you are right, is not comparitive to other issues, I wrote that (again think onion layers) because I couldnt see the value in her making a huge deal of its color. I said you pick---and she couldnt, she needed me to go to the next town with her to decide, which in turn (per past history) turns out to her deciding anyway, so I was like "why was I needed" and why was things like that worth a fight. Her issue was I seemed not as frantic about the napkin style. Ofcourse I didnt, I was too busying mourning the loss of my dad on that day, to me...bigger fish to fry, so if I say "hey Im cool with what ever YOU want to do"... Im not to sure of the conflict? None the less I feel we peeled that layer back and discovered more underlyning issues and the topic is a little deeper now. I will say I do feel better now that you all allowed me to vent.

The same could be said about you mentioning if another form would be better for me bc I seem to want people to agree with me. That could be said for you as well. Again the level of reaction to the topic seems unbalanced. But, I do not run from it because its not up to be to tell you or anyone else how to feel or how to react. Is it uncomfortable, sure at times, but Im still on here. We are all responding and processing which believe it or not is progress, its not a stand still. Im still not sure how you think Im trying to be right about everything. Im still not sure how pointing out things isnt --normal? You can very well point something out to a happier person, its data its information, its knowledge they can get to avoid the situation or to learn more about you, or to ignore even. Its not.. Im not sure I guess how its any less help then just telling someone to chin up all the time and ignore what they feel?
CandyApples
Junior Member
 
Posts: 67
Joined: Wed Feb 19, 2020 1:04 pm
Likes Received: 4

#18

Postby CandyApples » Tue Mar 03, 2020 7:51 pm

Im actually confused on what we are talking about now. Are we talking about how my diet is making murderer or a horrible person? Are we talking about me being controlling over a christmas post? Are we talking about my being on here with some turmoil..being a issue or my outlook being like really really really outthere? Im just trying to narrow it down to get back to a topic so its not all over the place. Are we talking about me being the most horrible person on this planet? I just need to know so I can focus on the question at hand. Alot is going on at once.

Could you guys maybe in list form, list the questions or concerns in numerical order, so I can respond to them as such just to feel like Im back on track?
CandyApples
Junior Member
 
Posts: 67
Joined: Wed Feb 19, 2020 1:04 pm
Likes Received: 4

#19

Postby quietvoice » Tue Mar 03, 2020 8:26 pm

CandyApples wrote:Could you guys maybe in list form, list the questions or concerns in numerical order, so I can respond to them as such just to feel like Im back on track?

It's your thread; you decide.

Doesn't real life conversation tend to go off into tangents? Like, always? Unless you're trying to sell something, that is.

And I don't actually write here everyday. Many days, until you came along, it's pretty quiet here.
User avatar
quietvoice
Senior Member
 
Posts: 2291
Joined: Tue Mar 18, 2014 8:14 pm
Likes Received: 234

#20

Postby CandyApples » Tue Mar 03, 2020 11:05 pm

Im fine either way, I just felt I was posting long responses to different ppl and didnt know if that was alot for people to read. And I found myself not hitting on all their questions, so hmm come to think about it I suppose it felt a little overwhelming bc at first Im talking about masks, then it goes into me being a bah hum bug lol then we talk food, then we go back to the sis in law thing so I was like ahh where to start, where to end, did I miss something???

I can write novels, and someone on here I cant remember who said to break it up/add spaces, which is a little hard for me so I want to try and keep things short but it never works out for me, I can write and write.

I guess its good the place isnt quiet? Gets the blood pumping I suppose. I take a deep breath before I log on here because you never know what you'll get but none the less, Im glad people are talking.
CandyApples
Junior Member
 
Posts: 67
Joined: Wed Feb 19, 2020 1:04 pm
Likes Received: 4

#21

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Wed Mar 04, 2020 2:36 am

CandyApples wrote: My point on here is not to preach about reality, or tell you what your reality is at that. My point is to explain my reality. So my presceptions are just that, and are not made to try and warp yours and vise versa, which is why I wonder why it sounds so bad to you all and why it seems like such a huge deal.

I came on here bc I was having a hard time with my family dynamics and the loss of my dad.


I think there is a misunderstanding of purpose. At least in my replies. I agree with you that we each make our own reality. It isn't, nor was it ever, about which perspective is "right". I can see how by presenting my perspective it may have seemed that way. By presenting an alternative perspective it opens the door for that discussion of which perspective is "right".

Let's close that door for a bit.

Let's look at why you say you joined the forum. You are struggling with your father and relationships. You don't like that your husband is acting like a puppy in forming relationships, you don't like that you can't seem to find more than one best friend, and you are a bit lost now because the person that was responsible for most of your smiles/laughs is now gone.

Why are these areas a struggle? Because of YOUR perspective on life.

Your pessimistic, negative, isolationist, anti-social, wolf pack view = struggling with relationships, can't find or maintain friendships, etc.

Your "reality" is dysfunctional as it relates to those areas of life. Your reality might be highly functional in keeping you comfortable in other areas of your life, but it is not functional as it relates to your current struggles.

So it's not a competition. It's not a battle over "right". It never has been. It's about how your "reality" causes your relationship dysfunction.

To preempt just a bit, because I have dealt with similar discussions more than once. Many people then reply that their negative, dark disposition can't be the issue, because in public they are so cheerful, helpful, unassuming, etc. etc. Only behind closed doors might this grim outlook be revealed. This is always hogwash. It is the person rationalizing that they are so good at hiding their true self and that others are unable to detect their negativity.

CandyApples wrote:
I simply feel some things and came on here to talk through root cause.


The root cause is your disdain for your fellow human. That is the layers being peeled back.

Humanity isn't going to change for you. The only solution is for you to modify your perspective. But how and towards what?

Note...I'm no longer offering you an alternative perspective. No perspective is necessarily "right" or "better" than another. It's only that different perspectives are functional in different ways.

If you maintain your current perspective then you will continue to get the same results.
Richard@DecisionSkills
MVP
MVP
 
Posts: 11029
Joined: Sat Dec 08, 2012 2:25 am
Likes Received: 1155

#22

Postby CandyApples » Wed Mar 04, 2020 5:08 am

Hello,
as you know, it is very hard to decipher things via text/computer, lets agree on that, because I think face to face this would be alot easier.

While I do over all seem much more perky on the surface, I do not hide how I feel on the inside. I try to slowly introduce people around me to it, in order to try and avoid any hurt feelings on either end, but Im finding people do not get when you say things "generally and casually'". I then tried being blunt, and that turns into a argument. So Im not sure how to approach people that yes may not be on my list of like. I do not distain those people I just, hmm much like a rabbit befriending a wolf, both animals, but from two different worlds, it doesnt fit most of the time. (times it does in our wonderful world of nature but) over all its not good cake mix. Prior I tried to mix and mix and came out on the losing end. I no longer wish to do that because I felt partly I lost things i did hold dear, by trying to mix with people or things that just took took took and didnt give, physically, emotionally situationly (is that a word), etc.

I do not hate humanity at all. I just do not trust humanity, and always cautious, sometimes that turns into paranoia, which then turns into anxiety, etc,etc. My ethics class in college our professor taught us each being is intrinsic. I agree. He also went back and forth on the nature of humanity and what was nice about him, was as white lighted as he was, he too understood behind every set of human eyes is the potential to harm, etc. I aced every one of his tests.
While you choose to ride into battle and see victory and the people you are saving, I chose to see the battle, the lives lost, the towns on fire AND the lives that were saved. The yin and the yang, which then MY issue is mine is unbalanced at the moment and a lil jaded.

Why? Not because Im what you stated above as a solid tattooed label, it is because my thing that almost broke me has shut the light out of my world. This is heartache, this is grief....this is the price you pay for loving someone and something soo much. Its terrifying. Soo I take the one other thing I hold just as dear, and hold it a little tighter, and that world I once walked in almost as easily as you, just seems like a bunch of sharks circling the boat and my job every minute of my day, is to make sure those sharks never get in. Because the world is full of good and bad. I have not met one person that didnt have a fear that affected their daily life in some way shape or form.

My sis in law and wolf pack form was how I was feeling at that moment. I do not feel much of it now, at all actually. What happend was the pot of the lid boiled over, my feelings intensified into those few moments on those few posts, and then I got it out, stepped back and moved on. ( And talked it over with him). I just -was heard, and then I told myself I do not want to ever be that person who gets so mad over that or other ppls actions in that regard bc I can not change it and I dont want to. So I made a promise to myself that he can grow how he wants, what matters is his happiness (mine too) bc when he dies I do not want to be the reason why he missed out on something. I want to learn to be stronger within myself to let that happen and to not let things like at affect me as much as long...as my space is respected. (as in ok you want those specific ppl, go for it, doesnt mean I need to be around it all the time). My other issue is resentment, there is alot I gave up that I wish I didnt, I wish I had more time with my dad, I wish I would of said more things, did more things, maybe if I would of been there that night...I wish I could of known better...just soo much resentment and rightfully that is going to take many forms and time to get over. And not just with him, alot of things.

Much like an abused dog who gets adopted. That dog is going to growl in a corner at people-people who wont hurt him, but he doesnt know it, in his reality people mean pain. The hand that offers him food, he may bite, because in his reality a arm extended means a hit. It takes time, its a process for that dog to trust and heal. There is no magic wand, you cant snap your fingers and say oh Ive seen this a million times, just give up on that dog. Allow the process, let him growl and snap, understand its meaning and for him the here and the now is very real. This is my healing ,my process, to get everything out, explain it and feel it as much as I can, bounce it off others who can see above it,and go from there. A few days of people telling me their wisdom is just not going to make things go away. telling me "change" isnt a magic spell. You know that. And I dont know anyone on here from adam, so I take everything with a grain of salt until I feel I know better.

on a better note, I have made friends. Im not out, not too. My boss and I are actually going out friday. Her and I automatically clicked and I finally committed into doing someting. Thats how it works for me, we click right away or if not, you take the time for me to let my walls down and then itll be ok. You try to plow through it and its a problem.and..alot of ppl try to plow through it like a bull in a china shop. Another friend is another mom at school---she has 2 kids, very easy for me to get along with her vs the younger ppl in my life with no kids. Its just cake mix and not forcing things.

Im not trying to be mean to Candid, but she comes off as very straight forward, a little brass, a little aggressive/sarcastic in some posts? While she is not a bad person and prob has a heart of gold, its that personality much like my sis/bro in law, that is the wrong recipe for me. Im trying to process my reactions in general to that type of personality and am trying to, with Candid for example not get so rilled up, and keep calm and let it go, and try to understand. I feel thats ok for me to acknowledge what doesnt work and fight to make sure I do not become a doormat anymore or suffer from things, where its a two way street.
Your free to not offer more perspective to me if you wish. I like perspectives, I just felt at one point on here with everyone it was getting beyond that.
CandyApples
Junior Member
 
Posts: 67
Joined: Wed Feb 19, 2020 1:04 pm
Likes Received: 4

#23

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Wed Mar 04, 2020 6:06 am

CandyApples wrote: I know you think my views can change in that regard ,but they can not.....deeper more, I chose not to.


I like the example of the abused dog. I had actually thought of the same analogy.

I don't think anyone has implied that change is some quick process that requires only a few paragraphs of advice. To some extent that is the nature of the medium being a text-based forum.

Beliefs/perspectives that demonstrate a distrust and a degree of disdain for your fellow humans ='s struggle to interact with fellow humans ='s solution is to modify the beliefs/perspectives.

That is a concise way to discuss a topic that can fill books. Providing the observation doesn't mean it is an easy process or that it happens automatically. It takes time.

I think the difference between the dog and a person with free will is that the dog can't choose. You can. You have that ability to reflect on things and modify your beliefs, but as you stated previously you think your views can't change and deeper more, you choose not to change your views.

Your most recent reply is a bit contrary to the quote I cited. In your most recent reply you reference that it takes time to change...but you can't and you choose not too...right?

It is as if you might wish to change, you might want to learn how to swim, but only on your terms and in whatever time frame you deem appropriate. You don't trust anyone as they might push you in the pool, they might force you to flail about, push your head under the water, and this might cause you some fear. No, you prefer to look at the pool, then maybe dip a toe in the water, then step in up to your ankles, then your knees, and 15 years from now you might decide to make your way to the other side.

Fair enough...it is nice that you have that luxury in life. But, I'm not sure that the luxury is necessarily in your best interest. Take too long to learn to swim and you might drown...not to mention missing out on playing Marco Polo.

As long as you don't find yourself on a sinking boat your strategy functions. It might not be necessarily efficient in learning how to swim, but you will eventually get there. The same goes for you developing new relationships. You don't want advice or people to "push" you or expect rapid change. Okay. But don't expect much progress as you slowly work your way, step, by step, by step towards your beliefs evolving away from anti-social to more pro-social beliefs.

The question that I'm pondering is what would happen to CandyApples if the boat was to sink before she learns to swim? When the luxury of time is suddenly taken away does she adapt and survive or does she become a victim in need of rescue? These are not questions for you. They are sort of my own thoughts as I free flow this response. I realize that any of us at any point of time might need some rescuing.
Richard@DecisionSkills
MVP
MVP
 
Posts: 11029
Joined: Sat Dec 08, 2012 2:25 am
Likes Received: 1155

#24

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Wed Mar 04, 2020 6:14 am

Another note ref: Candid.

Yes, her advice and approach are often different than mine. Sometimes our opinions are more aligned, sometimes not. And sometimes people prefer her approach to mine. I have plenty of threads where people were less than enthusiastic about my advice while enjoying what Candid has to offer.

I think this is a strength of the forum. It isn't all about everyone doling out similar advice as to generate some comforting consensus for the OP or for other readers. It is about sharing and discussing differences in opinions and ideas.

In fact, that my approach is a bit more to your liking isn't necessarily a good thing. You might benefit from reflecting a bit more on what Candid has to offer and consider that whatever discomfort you experience when reading what she is saying is more a reflection on your own limitations than on her approach.
Richard@DecisionSkills
MVP
MVP
 
Posts: 11029
Joined: Sat Dec 08, 2012 2:25 am
Likes Received: 1155

#25

Postby CandyApples » Wed Mar 04, 2020 1:10 pm

It is as if you might wish to change, you might want to learn how to swim, but only on your terms and in whatever time frame you deem appropriate. You don't trust anyone as they might push you in the pool, they might force you to flail about, push your head under the water, and this might cause you some fear. No, you prefer to look at the pool, then maybe dip a toe in the water, then step in up to your ankles, then your knees, and 15 years from now you might decide to make your way to the other side.


You hit the nail on the head. Yes you are very right about this 100 Percent. I guess this is where it might seem like Im controlling to Candids reference, but I feel its not in a "im bossy" way, but more like I want to control my process. That is true, because I dont feel I had much of that control lately, and Im very scared to what would happen if I fall into the pool when Im not ready, as you said. There are times I think about that, there are times I do try to go way waist deep, versus toe in the water and I shut down. I feel like I would either physically have a heart attack or end up in a padded room temporarily. So I think for me, the first step is to get all this from my head, onto paper or here ( Paper I have done I started many little journals) then felt ready to bring it slowly somewhere for others to view. I think the second step is on me, I need to cry. Not just the few tears I quickly wipe away ( I find when this happends Im normally in need for a nap after) but truly let it all out and cry. I do not feel I have a safe place to do that bc who knows, I might also scream, or want to hit a wall, then Im sure I would be null in void in bed for days after. The next step I think is some form of counselor to continue the grief process and in general a healing process of alot I talked about on here ( and things that I havent) and the second to the last step would to be to find out what happend to my dad-----closure. Last, would be to let go and say goodbye.

I think the dog person thing I mentioned fits because yes I do have free will, and yes I choose not to change, but that is at the moment. It may be a very long moment, but I need to work through somethings before I feel ok to choose how I would change and what is worth changing and whats worth sticking to my guns about.

Candid is definitly helpful in the sense that she is BAM right there with what she needs to say. Like I mentioned this type orf personality I normally dont mix the best with but, I think this is a great area for me to try and adjust as I find personalities like that much more common in my life, than not. So I do appreciate her comments because I can respond back and there are times Im like ok, take a breath, read, dont let it get you, and by the end of some of my responses to her I feel like I would nudge her and laugh like a buddy at work. Other times Im like wanting to give it right back. So its a good excerise. Again I feel just being on here is progress, I do not feel anywhere near as bad as I once did in regards to things being built up, so thats good news.
CandyApples
Junior Member
 
Posts: 67
Joined: Wed Feb 19, 2020 1:04 pm
Likes Received: 4

#26

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Thu Mar 05, 2020 2:46 am

Developing a step or phased process is good. It shows the cognitive ability to set a goal and establish a path to achieve the goal.

The not so good news is that while most of us know what we want, e.g. remove pain by coping with the loss of a loved one, we really have no clue what steps to take. And based on human nature towards comfort we develop steps that make us feel good. In doing so we often slow progress or it becomes counterproductive.

For instance, where did you come up with the idea -1- journal, -2- cry, -3- counselor? That is just you shooting from the hip in the moment. You could journal for months or years, rationalizing that that step is somehow required prior to seeking counseling. It is delaying the uncomfortable of seeking out a counselor as step -1- and gaining the insights they have about the process of grief and how to step by step navigate grief.

Going back to the child learning to swim. They know the goal, but they don't know how to achieve the goal. They flounder for an indefinite amount of time. If there are other kids around they can start trying to model their behavior, but if no other kid is around it becomes a sort of risky trial and error process. They just don't have the knowledge about how to go about achieving the goal.

But if the child goes to a swim instructor right away the child learns how to swim fairly quickly. The swim instructor has dealt with this type of issue many times.

When you don't trust humanity, when you isolate yourself, when you try to be fully independent of anyone "outside" the village, then you are much more likely to flounder and struggle to achieve whatever goals you seek to accomplish.
Richard@DecisionSkills
MVP
MVP
 
Posts: 11029
Joined: Sat Dec 08, 2012 2:25 am
Likes Received: 1155

#27

Postby Candid » Thu Mar 05, 2020 8:29 am

I'll thank you both not to talk about me in front of my face. :P

CandyApples wrote:it might seem like Im controlling to Candids reference, but I feel its not in a "im bossy" way, but more like I want to control my process.


I don't see you as controlling at all, quite the opposite. I'm not the most assertive woman in the world, but even I wouldn't accommodate someone else holding a party in my home, dictating which table decorations I had to pay for, or not letting me have my father around.

I'm not surprised you feel a loss of control, when you've allowed other people to dictate so much to you! https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog ... boundaries

this type orf personality I normally dont mix the best with but, I think this is a great area for me to try and adjust as I find personalities like that much more common in my life, than not.


Interesting phenomenon here, along the lines of What we resist, persists, or Life teaches us what we need to know. When I was in my late teens/early 20s, I kid you not, strangers would insult me on the streets. It kept getting worse, because my fear of verbal attack had me creeping about trying to disappear, which naturally made me an easy target... and knowing that didn't help, either. But gradually I shed my timidity, and now if someone were to insult me I wouldn't care. But the surprising thing, to me, was that the insults stopped.

Other times Im like wanting to give it right back.


What stops you, CandyApples? Is it the same thing that stopped you telling your brother's partner where she could stick her Christmas napkins?
Candid
MVP
MVP
 
Posts: 9090
Joined: Mon Oct 18, 2010 10:00 am
Likes Received: 443

#28

Postby CandyApples » Thu Mar 05, 2020 10:21 pm

Hi Richard,
I would love for step 1 to be find a therapist, but there are none around that chargless anyless than $75 a hour. Thats absurd. You figure one would need atleast 2 days a week, for a while, and thats way more than I could ever afford. There are some churches that will do like very low cost but I do not (done it in the past) like going there because they answer everything with a biblical answer and that does me no good at the moment, at all.

The child learning to swim does need a instructor, but where to find one? Most people dont like dicussing uncomfortable things, and there is very little resources for grief outside of tidewell for example. It is one of the most less resourced "thing" that someone goes through, which is very sad.

I dream of a retreat where I could go, a place where there are little cabins in the woods, nothing for miles, were there is no tv no nothing, to think and emotionally vent/let go. If you wanna run and cry and scream into the wind you can, and if you were to lose control, there was someone there who could handle that. Then ofcourse, for me, would be the loss of energry from all that, Id crash hard, so I would need to sleep for a few days to recover. (hsp's need this) and then once all that is done.....you go home. I havent found anything like that.

Most of the ppl in my life are not good listeners, to touch lightly on my mom for example (loaded loaded topic, her) you can call her up with tears in your voice, she will say hey are you ok, and you will say "well xyz," and there will be a pause, then you will hear her say "oh...yeah..(bc she was preoccupied with something else or someone else)...anyways my friend and I are going to Tims house and his wife is cooking and... ..... ..... ..." and then you cant get a word in for 30 mins (no lie I timed it several times) and by then your so drained (HSP talk) and so annoyed that you cant get anything in, you just wanna hang up. My sis in law, I had small discussions with her about my current state and my dad, I thought she heard me ( I certainly heard her with her issues) and then christmas comes and she flat out def didnt get it, and then claimed she didnt know it was the day my dad died. I find most ppl dont take the time to listen and process. As hard as it is to believe I barely talk..to anyone...at all. I see ppl in my daily but its hi how are you, then the flood gates open and your there listening for eevvverr, and when its your turn it just doesnt feel right.
CandyApples
Junior Member
 
Posts: 67
Joined: Wed Feb 19, 2020 1:04 pm
Likes Received: 4

#29

Postby CandyApples » Thu Mar 05, 2020 10:40 pm

Hi Candid,
Lol I knew you would read our replies, I didnt want to give the impression I was being mean, you just come across very strong which is good, but Im just use to, well you read the posts. I cant believe you were timid when you were younger though. How did you get past that? How did you assert yourself (and know how to do so properly) where people kinda knew not to mess with you? I do find this very hard for me, Im stuck in flight or fight mode for lack of term. Im either tucking my tail in or going full force attack mode. Id love to find a balance. What about you when you were younger, made people think to say rude things, or how do they notice a timid person from not a timid person.

The reason why I dont feel so odd with you vs my sis in law, is one I just met you and its so hard to gauage things via text. Two I dont think ( this is the optimistic part of me) anyones mission orgionally is to be mean to someone so I knew it was me projecting into what you were saying in some ways, and then in some of your posts you could see a different side. (Plus I didnt have to read them if I didnt want too haha )

My sis in law on the other hand...I dont think she too origionally was wanting to hurt me...but per her confessions and things Ive seen she is very needing to control the dynamics of our group, she calls it.( my bro in laws girlfriends always have this same trait and you are not to go against them ..ever so he promotes it.) Before her, there was no group, it was my husband and me ofcourse with the occaionsal visits of family and such, which is kinda normal to me. Then she came along and it was lets go this and that, but it took a bit for me to realize it was only on her terms. I was so happy with the idea of fun things but when it came to it, she then would literally grab my arm and say "no its just for the boys" or "no dont do that" or will chime in and yell at my husband for something, when I would never do that to hers....and what currently gets me is...(bc she didnt like how christmas went at my house).....she said she would have it at her house. Perfectly fine with me. Then that turned into, no shes gonna have it at her friends house (who none of us know) and I said well Im use to "family" like my mother in law, and other sis in law and brother in law (the ones I knew since they were in diapers) we all are use to just being with eachother, and I dont think they would be comfy at a strangers house (20 yr olds who I was told get physical to eachtother when drunk-this house she wants us to go to)....(and I dont want my kiddo around that) Anyways I know im off topic a little, but her response was "then they dont have to go" and went on to list her friends who she will be inviting. SO me Im like your having a friends christmas, and dont care if family is ok with plans....how...does that make any sense? You have a mom, you have a dad, you have your own blood family...this is MY family (I got 20 yrs invested) and I and we cherish our traditions of just being with eachother.. But you cant like push this bc if SHES mad, then my bro in law will get mad and if hes mad, that means my husband looks bad and does not want to go against is brother ...right or wrong...bc "he dont care".....so to answer your question, Im powerless. I can be a B word and just tell her to her face , tell them both how I feel, but that would make be look like the B bc they dont follow logic I feel or think about others over all. Alot of their actions is very very self involved with zero consideration. They want you to make plans around the times their dogs need to be let out (no lie) but will disregard that you have a kid and that is a factor in things.
CandyApples
Junior Member
 
Posts: 67
Joined: Wed Feb 19, 2020 1:04 pm
Likes Received: 4


PreviousNext

  • Similar Topics
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Return to Light Lounge