Abusing my mother

Postby pdpax » Tue Mar 03, 2020 9:02 am

Hey guys,

I'm a 28 y/o guy and my mother is a bit overweight. When I was 16 or so, we were talking and the topic of weight and being overweight came up. I don't exactly remember the conversation, but at some point my mother jokingly said she hopes I end up with a fat girl, and, ,,, I basically lashed out and told her to bite her tongue. I felt bad immediately, but we never talked about it. And it's been eating me all these years. I don't think I can ever talk to her about it. I'm pretty sure she must still remember, because that's so hurtful one can hardly ever forget. She has said pretty hurtful things to me too, but they just don't balance each other out. We have a great relationship now, but I just can't shake off this guilt and how I hurt her. She is in her 50's now. Her relationship with my father isn't so good. I remember my father teasing and joking about marrying a thin woman. Which only means her weight was definitely a great source of insecurity. And the thought of me hurting her is just killing me. The problem is, I don't believe I can ever fix this and help her. I'm trying to be nicer to my 16 y/o self that was just a child, but that's just one side of the story.

Any comments or ideas?
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#1

Postby Candid » Tue Mar 03, 2020 9:16 am

pdpax wrote:I don't think I can ever talk to her about it.


What else do you think might work?

Most family members snap at each other at least once in their lives. If this is the worst you've done, and it's been about a dozen years, I doubt she's still stewing on it. Guaranteed she already knew she was overweight.
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#2

Postby pdpax » Tue Mar 03, 2020 9:52 am

Candid wrote:
pdpax wrote:I don't think I can ever talk to her about it.


What else do you think might work?

Most family members snap at each other at least once in their lives. If this is the worst you've done, and it's been about a dozen years, I doubt she's still stewing on it. Guaranteed she already knew she was overweight.


Thanks for your reply and help, Candid.

I guess I know what you mean. So you think I should just let it go and accept the fact that I hurt her and have faith that she has let go of it too? I don't know if that's possible. That accepting the fact that snapping at each other happens in every family can actually serve as an excuse or reason to wash that away.

I know it all may sound silly. It sounds stupid even to my practical mind that keeps telling me "nothing can be done and just be nice to her as much as you can." But I'm just wondering if anything else can be done.
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#3

Postby Candid » Tue Mar 03, 2020 10:08 am

pdpax wrote:So you think I should just let it go and accept the fact that I hurt her and have faith that she has let go of it too?


For me, it's always better to consider the opposite of the problem rather than trying to fix what's already happened (re-opening) or being neutral (having faith, letting it go).

That would mean being kind to your mother, which I'm guessing you already are. The point isn't to make her overlook this lapse -- because I'm sure she already has -- but to make you feel better.

Unless there's more to this that meets the eye, all you did was react to something she'd said to you. That just makes you human. From your thread title I steeled myself to read you'd been knocking her about.

But I'm just wondering if anything else can be done.


So what's the opposite of having just once, 12 years ago, maybe insulted her? Is it possible that over those years you've many times told her she looks attractive, or her new dress suits her? That kind of thing is usually the province of a partner rather than a son, but it rarely goes astray.

Would I be the first person to suggest you're over-sensitive, too hard on yourself, or anything along those lines?
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#4

Postby pdpax » Tue Mar 03, 2020 10:36 am

Is it possible that over those years you've many times told her she looks attractive, or her new dress suits her?


Makes sense. Thanks. Although, like they say, we tend to forget good and trivial things pretty quickly, but when it comes to pain and suffering, we have elephant memories. But I guess that's something I can no longer change.

Would I be the first person to suggest you're over-sensitive, too hard on yourself, or anything along those lines?


Definitely not. I know I'm a bit over-sensitive too. It does get me into trouble at times, but it does help me be more kind and gentle too. I suppose the struggle is finding a balance like with anything else.
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