grief and the time machine

Postby CandyApples » Wed Mar 18, 2020 8:48 pm

After 4 years, I finally cleaned out the spare room with all my fathers things. I came across 2 old news papers and wondered why he had them. I opened them up and the headlines told of the same story. Doctor dismissed of accusation of babys death.
..ofcourse. He held on to them. I opened a folder next to it which contained notes on the case and hand written notes of my dad and his then wife. Her pleas through tears noted the paper, his angquish, their divorce soon after. Why dad, did you save these new papers for this long, these notes? Then it hit me. Why self, did I save all my dads hospital records, all his mail, ever single scribble on paper I found, everything I thought remotely linked to his death...why do I have them? It hit me again , history repeated itself, I hung on to them for the same reason my dad hung on to his items. Apart of us was still frozen in time, still trying to piece together what happend, still trying to make sense, still trying to fight, still trying not to let go. I know only now that time does not heal the wound, and you can not just get over it. How many times did I ask him he needed to move on and be happy. How ignorant of me to say such a thing when I know now those words are meaningless, how stupid of me to not of known. I just wanted him to be happy, it was over 30 years ago, yet it haunted him, more than I knew. And...now at the same age he was when his life changed, I am haunted. I collect and mull over dusty notes, silverfish lined boxes, still afraid to toss something bc what if he came back for it. I inspect every item I find, wondering if I see a bloodstain. Death changes people. Most people can deal, then theres the ones that cant. And I do not think they should have to honestly. I cried just a few tears and stopped. I always stop. I imagioned my hands turning into his as I held the news paper, my heart tightend as for a split second I imagioned myself in his shoes. I wouldnt have made it. Im surpised he made it this far to raise myself and my brother later on. Apart of me for a moment felt that maybe him being passed away was like setting him free, for his heart holds no more pain........ I wonder if he is free.
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Postby Gennadiy » Tue Sep 01, 2020 12:18 pm

Condolences on your loss.
It's been 31 years since my mom died, I still miss her...
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