Hi,
My name is Tiago. That is my real name.
I have always been sexually attracted and I used to watch and masturbate to porn a lot.
I believe it all started when I was a child.
I will tell you my story, but beware that this has a very disturbing side of it.
When I was about 10/11 years old, I found a tape on my dad’s car. It was a porn tape.
I remember watching it. It felt good, I masturbated of course. Eventually it became an addiction. Through the years I would either watch it or search online for porn, erotic images and all. I would spend many many hours watching them and masturbating. I would spend hours in the shower cleaning myself, sometimes masturbating and cleaning myself after because I would be disgusted and dirty. It was the reason my OCD started. My cleaning focused ocd. I would wash my hands and arms with bleach and heavy duty soaps. I wouldn’t touch doorknobs, instead I would use my legs and feet to open. I washed my hands and arms to the point that my skin was flesh. I had sexual fantasies and urges that no child should have. I even fantasised with my neighbour who was a 50 year old man. I even (and this is so hard to say and extremely embarrassed) had focused on my dogs genitalia, and as a child, the sexual intercourse of my dogs would make me sexually focused. I even masturbated my dog a few times. My brain was too sexually focused and porn was feeding it, giving me ideas about things I wanted to try and my animals were the closest things I could try, as I wasn’t out of the closet and I never wanted to admit I was gay! I only did it a few times until I was about 14. I don’t know what went with me those years, I know now I was ashamed of myself as being gay and feeling things towards men and other boys! That was my biggest issue! I never had a boyfriend as a child even though there was gay boys that I New. I was afraid of being gay, I was homophobe (thanks to my dad’s and family way to see them). As a child, I hope you understand, it was all very confusing, I hated it, I felt ashamed, I felt disgusted.
So, all these childhood years, until I accepted myself and started discovering me as a gay man, I used porn to relieve myself, discover myself, as a place that I could enjoy myself because I had no one else. I also used dating and sex apps to find partners because it was easy and it somehow got me addicted to it.
I don’t feel like this is the reason, but I think I used porn to fill a hole in myself. I was alone, no one to understand and support me! I was ashamed of myself as a gay man, I used porn to create my own world where I could give pleasure to myself. To self-sooth. But I know now it was unhealthy! Very unhealthy. Porn is a horrible way to focus yourself. I believe that because of having started to watch porn so early in my life and for never having had someone as a partner, made me sexualise people! I am very focused on appearance, looks, body, genitalia. I fantasise a lot. I even had a lot of erotic stash on my computer and phone. And I WANT TO STOP! I don’t know how, but I hope you can help me out please. I don’t want to be looking at other men and feel like I would like to have sex with them. Because the person I have feelings for is too important for me!
I would never want to hurt him!
Today I believe one ex sex partner made a comment on a story in Instagram. I deleted but I kept this feeling I wanted to see how he’s doing, to check his page. I felt some sexual energy and I even tried looking out for him and Thank God, THANK YOU Father in Heaven, I couldn’t find him. I don’t know why I wanted to do so!? Was it because we had good times? Is because of that that my subconscious wants to check it out?
How can I stop looking at other men like that? I know I will always feel attracted but can I heal my wounds and stop looking and fantasise? At least to healthy ways where I don’t feel arousal.
I must also say that since meeting my SO, I have reduced my porn watching to a very minimum amount. Just to help me get off. But I want to find a way to focus my sexual energies on my partner, not on other people.
I saw a post on reddit that the way to fight these feelings is to accept them.
Today I had some situations I am not proud of. First, After taking a shower, I had this thought about taking a nude. First to send to my significant other, then it changed, I remembered about the times I used to use sex apps. I got distressed with those thoughts.
The second one, I was on instagram and on my search, there were many attractive men, with nice bodies. I tried look at them and accept the thoughts. I was getting aroused and fantasising. I didn't react with guilt, but made me think and overthink if I am not able to have a monogamous relationship even though that is my dream and wish! Are these just desires? Can I rewire my brain? I believe this all stems from my childhood and from being single and in hookup apps for too long. I think I created a over sexualised brain. PLEASE HELP BEFORE I GO CRAZY!!!!
Thanks for taking your time to read. An overview from a professional would be very welcome!