Brain over sexualised on people other than my partner

[Tiagobgc]

Hi,

My name is Tiago. That is my real name.

I have always been sexually attracted and I used to watch and masturbate to porn a lot.
I believe it all started when I was a child.

I will tell you my story, but beware that this has a very disturbing side of it.

When I was about 10/11 years old, I found a tape on my dad’s car. It was a porn tape.
I remember watching it. It felt good, I masturbated of course. Eventually it became an addiction. Through the years I would either watch it or search online for porn, erotic images and all. I would spend many many hours watching them and masturbating. I would spend hours in the shower cleaning myself, sometimes masturbating and cleaning myself after because I would be disgusted and dirty. It was the reason my OCD started. My cleaning focused ocd. I would wash my hands and arms with bleach and heavy duty soaps. I wouldn’t touch doorknobs, instead I would use my legs and feet to open. I washed my hands and arms to the point that my skin was flesh. I had sexual fantasies and urges that no child should have. I even fantasised with my neighbour who was a 50 year old man. I even (and this is so hard to say and extremely embarrassed) had focused on my dogs genitalia, and as a child, the sexual intercourse of my dogs would make me sexually focused. I even masturbated my dog a few times. My brain was too sexually focused and porn was feeding it, giving me ideas about things I wanted to try and my animals were the closest things I could try, as I wasn’t out of the closet and I never wanted to admit I was gay! I only did it a few times until I was about 14. I don’t know what went with me those years, I know now I was ashamed of myself as being gay and feeling things towards men and other boys! That was my biggest issue! I never had a boyfriend as a child even though there was gay boys that I New. I was afraid of being gay, I was homophobe (thanks to my dad’s and family way to see them). As a child, I hope you understand, it was all very confusing, I hated it, I felt ashamed, I felt disgusted.

So, all these childhood years, until I accepted myself and started discovering me as a gay man, I used porn to relieve myself, discover myself, as a place that I could enjoy myself because I had no one else. I also used dating and sex apps to find partners because it was easy and it somehow got me addicted to it.
I don’t feel like this is the reason, but I think I used porn to fill a hole in myself. I was alone, no one to understand and support me! I was ashamed of myself as a gay man, I used porn to create my own world where I could give pleasure to myself. To self-sooth. But I know now it was unhealthy! Very unhealthy. Porn is a horrible way to focus yourself. I believe that because of having started to watch porn so early in my life and for never having had someone as a partner, made me sexualise people! I am very focused on appearance, looks, body, genitalia. I fantasise a lot. I even had a lot of erotic stash on my computer and phone. And I WANT TO STOP! I don’t know how, but I hope you can help me out please. I don’t want to be looking at other men and feel like I would like to have sex with them. Because the person I have feelings for is too important for me!

I would never want to hurt him!

Today I believe one ex sex partner made a comment on a story in Instagram. I deleted but I kept this feeling I wanted to see how he’s doing, to check his page. I felt some sexual energy and I even tried looking out for him and Thank God, THANK YOU Father in Heaven, I couldn’t find him. I don’t know why I wanted to do so!? Was it because we had good times? Is because of that that my subconscious wants to check it out?

How can I stop looking at other men like that? I know I will always feel attracted but can I heal my wounds and stop looking and fantasise? At least to healthy ways where I don’t feel arousal.

I must also say that since meeting my SO, I have reduced my porn watching to a very minimum amount. Just to help me get off. But I want to find a way to focus my sexual energies on my partner, not on other people.

I saw a post on reddit that the way to fight these feelings is to accept them.

Today I had some situations I am not proud of. First, After taking a shower, I had this thought about taking a nude. First to send to my significant other, then it changed, I remembered about the times I used to use sex apps. I got distressed with those thoughts.
The second one, I was on instagram and on my search, there were many attractive men, with nice bodies. I tried look at them and accept the thoughts. I was getting aroused and fantasising. I didn't react with guilt, but made me think and overthink if I am not able to have a monogamous relationship even though that is my dream and wish! Are these just desires? Can I rewire my brain? I believe this all stems from my childhood and from being single and in hookup apps for too long. I think I created a over sexualised brain. PLEASE HELP BEFORE I GO CRAZY!!!!

Thanks for taking your time to read. An overview from a professional would be very welcome!

[Richard@DecisionSkills]

The general rule of thumb is you can look, but not touch. You can appreciate the art, but it stays in the museum.

The "normal" or "average" male...meaning what we typically think of as a psychologically healthy person in a monogamous relationship doesn't magically lose sexual attraction towards all other members of the opposite sex. That is not how biology works. That is pure fantasy that once we have found a significant other that any and all sexual thoughts about anyone other than that person are somehow immoral, evil, or somehow dirty.

Being faithful isn't a mechanical endeavor. People take vows to be faithful. Why a vow? Because being faithful is much more than simply saying the words and turning a switch. It requires effort to remain faithful.

If your expectation or the expectation of your partner is to never look at other men or have any sexual or impure thoughts regarding other men, good luck with that. It's unrealistic and will eventually cause a lot of strife.

Your early exposure to porn and subsequent addiction doesn't help, but you seem to have cut back and are headed in a good direction, e.g. delete the apps, files, etc.

There is a balance.

My advice is to talk to your partner. Discuss the balance. Be open about the realistic expectations in the relationship. Discuss the expectations of being faithful. More than likely your partner will have the "can look but not touch" common sense wisdom. Instead of feeling guilty and hiding your thoughts from this person, keep them informed of your thoughts and ask them for help.

[Tiagobgc]

Hi Richard,

Many thanks for your reply. It truly spoke with me.
I believe what you said it's true, I will always have attraction for other men, however I still believe this was heightened by my early expose to porn which wired my brain to be like that: to look for men, see the sexual part of it (I used to masturbate to photos of sexy guys and fantasise, por, etc...). The fact that I stayed single for a big part of my life and used sex apps didn't help. I also think that part of my problem now is that we decided to stop seeing each other and not having sex is driving me off the cliff. Maybe I am frustrated only. I remember that when we were together more often, that I would not see other guys so much like I am seeing now. But again, hypothesis only... I should find a therapist I guess.. Can we rewire our brains if we are over sexualised?

Thanks,

Tiago

[Cthompson21]

I can relate, im also gay, also was exposed at a young age, and staying away from Porn is hard. I have other issues that I am on this forum for but I have cut porn out of my life because it makes those issues worse. I hope you can find strength. gay culture is so sexualized it makes it easy to relapse. But you have to ask yourself is it worth it? Is it what you really want? And believe in yourself. I would also follow the advice to communicate with your partner. Best to you.

[Tiagobgc]

I can relate, im also gay, also was exposed at a young age, and staying away from Porn is hard. I have other issues that I am on this forum for but I have cut porn out of my life because it makes those issues worse. I hope you can find strength. gay culture is so sexualized it makes it easy to relapse. But you have to ask yourself is it worth it? Is it what you really want? And believe in yourself. I would also follow the advice to communicate with your partner. Best to you.

Thank you for your words. It's nice to know we are not alone in this horrible world. Of course the change is in us! So I will be strong and fight this with all I have.

All the best for us! And I hope you get over your problems too! We must resist the adversities of life.

[Candid]

It's nice to know we are not alone in this horrible world.

It's not a horrible world, Tiagob. It's the world you look for and the world you create, by your kind actions towards other people and towards your environment.

Of course the change is in us! So I will be strong and fight this with all I have.

Yes, the change is in us. Change yourself and your world changes, too. But there is nothing to fight, not even whatever addiction you think you have. Love yourself with all your foibles, love the people around you, and this amazing planet.

How could the world be horrible if everyone did that?

So don't be one of the millions who say whenever everyone else does the right thing, I will too.

We must resist the adversities of life.

What we resist, persists.

All it takes is a shift of focus. Look for what's right about yourself, other people, and the planet. No matter what goes wrong, look around and notice that most things are going right. You have air to breathe, food to eat, everything you need to be happy.

Shame has no place in anyone who lives by the Hippocratic Oath:
First, do no harm. https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/fir ... 1510138421