People deciding your intentions/feelings for you?

Postby Neoroid » Sat Apr 04, 2020 3:45 pm

I have had it happen a lot, where someone decides what my intention was or how I'm feeling about a situation, and refuse to change their mind when I point out that they are wrong.
It's usually the same people who do it over and over.

What is this called? Why does it happen? Are there ways to make these people do it less or at least realize they're doing this? It always catches me off guard.

I will not provide an example, because last time I did on another forum people focused on solving my example instead of focusing on the overall question.

Have a hopefully nice day.
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#1

Postby Candid » Sat Apr 04, 2020 5:41 pm

Welcome aboard, Neoroid.

What is this called? Why does it happen? Are there ways to make these people do it less or at least realize they're doing this? It always catches me off guard.

I will not provide an example, because last time I did on another forum people focused on solving my example instead of focusing on the overall question.


You're young, my friend, but you think very clearly. A hundred years ago I might have written this myself.

It's probably universal, and there's fuck-all you can do about it except not care so much and stay away from the people who do this. I call it willful misunderstanding. You probably need better friends.

Cos I'm just a soul whose intentions are good.
Oh lord, please don't let me be misunderstood.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mfwN0X8YnWo

How about you stick with us here? We're really nice.

You have a nice day, too.
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#2

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sun Apr 05, 2020 5:10 am

Neoroid wrote:What is this called? Why does it happen? Are there ways to make these people do it less or at least realize they're doing this? It always catches me off guard.


It is jokingly called "B**chy Resting Face". Here is the YouTube video. https://youtu.be/3v98CPXNiSk

But seriously...one thing it can be called is empathy.

It happens because in social animals it is generally a highly adaptive trait. Being able to accurately estimate what another person is feeling so as to be on the same page is a huge benefit.

No, there is no way to have people stop trying to empathize. It is very natural and hardwired on a subconscious level to try and figure out if another person is feeling angry, sad, happy, etc. Again, reading the emotions of others is highly adaptive, including for survival.

The above stated, it appears that people are not accurately estimating how you are feeling. Why?

You, whether you realize it or not, also go around trying to estimate how other people are feeling. It is impossible for you not to make these judgments, because your very survival depends on these judgments. Being able to accurately detect that someone is animated because of anger is much different than animated because they are happy. Sometimes you get it wrong.

Again, the question comes back to you and what it is about how you present yourself that gives off signals that you are feeling X when actually you are feeling Y? That doesn't mean you are doing anything wrong. It just means you display some body language or facial expression that is throwing people off.
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#3

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sun Apr 05, 2020 5:27 am

Neoroid wrote:I have had it happen a lot, where someone decides what my intention was or how I'm feeling about a situation, and refuse to change their mind when I point out that they are wrong.

It's usually the same people who do it over and over.


Okay, so I missed the repetitive nature and that when you point out they are incorrect they refuse to change their mind.

A hypothetical is a person saying that you are angry. You tell them you are not angry. They refuse to believe that you are not angry. Repeat.

Why does it happen? Because whatever behavior you are displaying is consistent with their definition of "anger". It doesn't matter what your definition is.

Let's say they want to talk about your anger. You say you are not angry. Then you refuse to talk. They see refusing to talk as being consistent with the emotion anger. It doesn't matter what you believe, it only matters how your behavior is interpreted by them. From their point of view you are being angry.

Is there anyway to stop it? Sure, as Candid pointed out, stop giving a @#$% what this other person labels your behavior. To the extent possible, quit engaging with this person. To the extent possible, stop giving this person or persons time in your life. This will then place the burden of modifying behavior on them rather than on you.
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#4

Postby Neoroid » Sun Apr 05, 2020 8:04 am

The problem is, Richard, is that the feeling or intention they decide mostly happens to be unfavorable or self-serving. They are not trying to relate to me as much as they seem to attempt to stroke their own ego. These people also assume my level of knowledge, which they almost always deem to be lacking, again it's unfavorable or self-serving.

It's not hard to just ask what someone meant with their statement, instead of thinking of the worst possible intention and then just go along with that.

It seems to be more akin to projection rather than empathy.
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#5

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sun Apr 05, 2020 8:54 am

Neoroid wrote: They are not trying to relate to me as much as they seem to attempt to stroke their own ego.


Consider the following questions:

What is it to you that these people do not try to relate or that they attempt to stroke their own ego?

How does their self-serving egos...or how does not having the desire to relate to you negatively impact your life?

What power do these people have over you?

[/quote]
These people also assume my level of knowledge, which they almost always deem to be lacking, again it's unfavorable or self-serving. [/quote]

Along the same lines, how does their assumption of knowledge negatively impact your life?

What power do these people have over you? Are these people bosses, teachers, parents?

Why is it important to you?
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