I Can not connect her answer with her behavior

Postby Majnun » Wed May 20, 2020 4:24 pm

I am so lost at the moment. I hope that someone will notice this and answer to my problem. Maybe it will look like a teenage problem for you guys but it still bothers me too much, can't even continue with my studies.

So there is a girl ( I will call her Layla ) and i thought that she likes me because of her behavior towards me. There are many actions/situations which brought me to that conclusion, i will point out few:

1.She asked me if i have a girlfriend ( twice ) and why not and then told me that i should have asked her if she has a
boyfriend.

2.She asked me to sleep over at her apartment ( i did refuse because i thought that she was in a relationship).

3.While quarantine we were on Teamspesk with few friends and one of them asks me if i can help a girl ( from the same
university) with studies but Layla responded :" No, Leave him ( me ), ask someone else to help her".We all knew that it
wasn't about helping her with studies but more like "having fun".

All this time I was thinking "Why is she behaving like that, she has a boyfriend? Maybe she likes me and not just as friend but nah it can't be" so I tried to keep my distance and not to do anything stupid.
After a while it comes to my attention that she broke up with her boyfriend(1-2 years ago). Then i start seeing this whole situation from another perspective, that she likes me ( or so i thought).

So one day i decided to tell her that i like her but her response was totally different than i had expected to be.

Here is how the conversation went ( Not going to post everything , just that part where i tell her about my feelings):

Me: Anyway, this quarantine is so boring and since we cant do much about, i guess that we are just thinking about things, so what are you thinking about?

Her. mmm about all the missed parties hahaha

Me. Well I am thinking about you and why haven't I told you before that i like you.

Her: Stop joking (smiley face)

Me: Actually now I am not, i just can't hold it anymore.

Her: (facepalm)

Me: Why? have i done something wrong?

Her: No, you have just expressed your feelings but at the moment I am not looking for anything

Me: I get it, seems like i have misunderstood you

Her How?

Me: I have thought that you like me

Her: Unfortunately no, sorry. I was in a long relationship before.

Me: Yeah, i know, friends told me. That's why i didn't want to bother you while we were hanging out. But your behavior and your happiness towards me, drove me into thinking that you like me.

Her: I am sorry if you felt that way.

Me: Ah, isn't your fault. Did i have any chances at all with you?

Her: No because i wasn't even thinking about it

Me Yes , i understand it. Can i ask you one thing more?

Her: Sure

Me: I don't want it too look rude or impolite, really i don't but before the quarantine you did ask me twice if i had a gf, you even asked me if i wanted to sleep over.

Her: Oh have i? i don't remember it. Maybe i just asked it and didn't mean anything else ( smiley face).

Me: Okay, but i do remember it well. It is written deep down in my memory.

Her: Sorry i don't remember it at all, it must have been some kind of a joke.

Me: Don't worry isn't your fault , i just hope that i will have a chance with you.

So my questions are:

Her answer seems so illogical to me. What am i missing? am i so naive?

I can recognize a joke, I am not that stupid or am i? I don't know anymore.

Do you really ask someone TWICE if you have a partner ( and why not) and if you want to sleep over , just out of a pure joke?

Did i move too fast with whole situation? Did she lose interest in me because i kept my distance in those mentioned situations?Was i too direct ?
Majnun
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#1

Postby Baventhiran » Tue Jun 09, 2020 6:07 am

How I see it: When she was hinting at you, she probably had mixed feelings (part of her wants you and the other doesn't). When you opened up, her defensive side responded.

{When she was hinting at you}
If you reacted in her favor, her defensive side would probably fall back.

Me. Well I am thinking about you and why haven't I told you before that i like you.
Her: Stop joking (smiley face)
Me: Actually now I am not, i just can't hold it anymore.
//if she really was smiling when she said that, I believe you scared her with your response (especially the "I just can't hold it anymore") to that which probably woke up her defense//

And so on. It's normal. If she still likes you, she'll definitely hint at you again. Maybe she needs time.
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#2

Postby Tyto » Wed Jun 10, 2020 12:15 am

In all brutal honesty, and in my own opinion; I think it's a bullet dodged on your part. From the small amount of examples you have supplied, it doesn't take a clinical psychologist to say she's displaying controlling behavior.

When we are confronted with our own feelings, and shown how obvious our emotions can be, sometimes we deny them in hopes to keep some level of safety to herself (as asking straight up about her emotions put her in a "vulnerable" place). If she's going to shut down and shy away from you asking how how she feels about you, what stops her from doing it about other, far more pressing emotions and feelings.

Tis just my 2 cents. Goodluck nonetheless!
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#3

Postby Baventhiran » Wed Jun 10, 2020 2:10 am

Hi Tyto,

When you stated /controlling behavior/, is it like indirect control of situation/something? If so, I do agree with you on that.
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#4

Postby Tyto » Wed Jun 10, 2020 3:11 am

Baventhiran wrote:Hi Tyto,

When you stated /controlling behavior/, is it like indirect control of situation/something? If so, I do agree with you on that.


and then told me that i should have asked her if she has a
boyfriend.

but Layla responded :" No, Leave him ( me ), ask someone else to help her".


Yes.

As for OP, should they be reading this: plenty more fish in the sea, dont let it get to you. I believe in ya!
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#5

Postby Majnun » Wed Jun 10, 2020 9:50 am

Thanks for your opinions fellas.
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#6

Postby Baventhiran » Wed Jun 10, 2020 12:35 pm

You're welcome, Majnun. Have things improved?
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#7

Postby Majnun » Thu Jun 11, 2020 4:51 pm

Mmm I do not know. She is not even my type of girl and yet i can not stop thinking about her.
About layla, well seems like she does not want to text me anymore. Looks like she is mad/angry at me.
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#8

Postby Tyto » Thu Jun 11, 2020 8:46 pm

Majnun wrote:She is not even my type of girl and yet i can not stop thinking about her.


Take up a hobby if you like, stop thinking about layla for a while until you realize you don't need to think about layla anymore.

What sorts of things do you like doing? What are your passions? Do you have any hobbies that you enjoy at the moment?
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#9

Postby Majnun » Fri Jun 12, 2020 12:07 pm

At the moment I am doing my bachelor degree project. Also I am jogging every day, playing football with friends. Sometimes i go to the beach/swimming.
I was thinking to send her a happy birthday letter but at this point I am not so sure anymore.
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#10

Postby Baventhiran » Fri Jun 12, 2020 12:49 pm

If you want her, then I recommend you send. If you don't want her, for your sake, I recommend you don't send.

If you send, that could trigger her past interest in you.
If you don't for your sake, you'll lessen your interest in her indirectly.
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#11

Postby Majnun » Sat Jun 13, 2020 8:35 pm

I am not sure. I guess it is 50%/50%. That my rational side does not want her but my emotional side wants her. Till now there weren't any problems with my emotional side, since i could easily suppress my emotions. But now it seems like i can't.
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