Intense jealousy over Interracial Relationships

Postby Ryan0206 » Tue Jun 02, 2020 7:05 pm

I'm not sure if this is the right part of the forum to post this, so please move it if you think I can get better answers elsewhere.

I'm a white male in my early twenties. I have nothing against "minorities"/non-whites.

But, whenever I see a white woman with a minority, more specifically a black man, I am almost seething with anger. It's like... I can literally feel myself getting angry. It's not just seeing white women with black men, it is even if I hear or see a post on social media for example of a white woman lusting over a black man, I feel the same kind of reaction.

I experience the same feelings seeing white women with non-whites (Asian, Mixed..etc) but it's nowhere near as strong as when I think of them being with a black man.

I don't know why this is because like I said, I'm not racist, I don't think non-whites or blacks are inferior etc. But it just doesn't seem to go away.

It's not always JUST anger, a lot of the time it is sadness, like a feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think of a white woman with a black man. I mean this can literally change my entire mood. I can be the happiest person alive, smiling and just chilling, and then the moment I envision something like that(white woman w/black man) it can literally change my mood to the other end of the spectrum where I just feel down and sad.

Does anybody know why I am experiencing this? I can elaborate on anything or answer any questions you have. Thanks!
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Wed Jun 03, 2020 3:04 am

This is way oversimplified, but theories of evolutionary psychology explain the reaction as being a result of hardwired physiological responses for mating.

For no less than 70,000 years homo sapiens lived in small homogenous tribes. Mating is competitive. It becomes an issue of self-esteem and feelings of rejection when a potential mate is seen as rejecting not you specifically, but everyone similar to you, i.e. every member of the tribe.

Interracial jealousy in and of itself is not a volitional act of racism. It isn't about skin color.

Let me put it another way. As a white male that has dated women in other countries, I have been on the receiving end of interracial jealousy. It is very clear for the men to see that I am not Latin or Asian, but the response isn't because I'm white. It is because I'm different, I'm an obvious "outsider". The woman has unintentionally and without any malice signaled that the men in her tribe are less preferable than this male that is not part of the tribe.

Again, this is way oversimplified, but there are evolutionary factors that drive mating preferences and the competition associated with those "ingroup/outgroup" dynamics.
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#2

Postby Candid » Wed Jun 03, 2020 7:59 am

Paul Ormerod says the same thing here: http://www.paulormerod.com/wp-content/u ... gation.pdf

It's not clear from your post whether you're afraid of being racist, or more concerned about your reaction to seeing 'mixed' pairings. Can you think what the jealousy is about? Is it a feeling that surely the woman should have chosen you over the other man? Do you have a comparable or completely different feeling if the other-race person is the woman, with a white man?
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#3

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Wed Jun 03, 2020 8:25 am

Candid wrote: Do you have a comparable or completely different feeling if the other-race person is the woman, with a white man?


Good question that can provide some insight. If the OP does not feel anger when they see a white male dating a black female, that further supports the feeling is not about race, but evolutionary pressures related to mating.
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#4

Postby Ryan0206 » Wed Jun 03, 2020 11:24 am

Thank you for the replies



Candid wrote:Paul Ormerod says the same thing here:
It's not clear from your post whether you're afraid of being racist, or more concerned about your reaction to seeing 'mixed' pairings. Can you think what the jealousy is about? Is it a feeling that surely the woman should have chosen you over the other man? Do you have a comparable or completely different feeling if the other-race person is the woman, with a white man?



I'm not entirely sure. Perhaps some of it comes from insecurity or jealously, but I don't think that can be the main or deciding factor because I do not care when I see a white man, who is much more attractive than me, with a woman. So race is playing the main role for some reason.

I wouldn't say I experience the same feeling when I see a white man with an other-race woman. Maybe that's because I'm heterosexual and don't see it as "competition". But yeah, I don't tend to give it much thought the other way round.
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#5

Postby Candid » Thu Jun 04, 2020 9:07 am

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:If the OP does not feel anger when they see a white male dating a black female, that further supports the feeling is not about race, but evolutionary pressures related to mating.


From a white female persective, which is all I've got to work with, I see it as both a race and a gender issue. There can be no question that women are still perceived as 'less important' or 'inferior' in most aspects of our lives. This is biological, so while things can always be improved, I don't believe it will ever change.

An important note here is that many women are, in their/our heads, 'honorary men'. I remember being shocked speechless when my mother-in-law told me: "I don't like women." It was clear she excluded both of us, and I do my best to get on with her so I was lost for a response. But I digress.

Where whites predominate, people whose appearance marks them as 'other' are also considered 'less important' or 'inferior' in most aspects of their lives. (Time spent in the Caribbean gave me a fleeting insight into what this feels like.)

A white man dating an other-race woman is not a challenge to 'white thinking' because the roles are consistent: he is superior to her, end of. But an other-race man dating a white woman? How dare he? AND How can she?

Ryan0206 wrote:I wouldn't say I experience the same feeling when I see a white man with an other-race woman. Maybe that's because I'm heterosexual and don't see it as "competition". But yeah, I don't tend to give it much thought the other way round.


This is my point, and precisely why I say it's both a race and a gender issue. Race and gender are what we're stuck with, transsexuals aside; no amount of education and enlightened legislation can change feelings and instincts. You "don't tend to give it much thought the other way round" because it doesn't register as 'wrong'.

As both Richard and Ormerod have pointed out, it's natural to prefer the familiar. If you're also an off-screen reader you might be interested in Critical Mass by Philip Ball, which uses physics to both explain and predict the behaviours of people in social situations. Much of the physics was over my head, but I recognised all of the situations in which we unthinkingly behave in certain ways.
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