300 Days - Feeling mixed.

[PAWSsurvivor]

Hey everyone.

Well made it to 300 days. I'm glad for the healing thats occurred, yet I find myself feeling mixed.

It's hard to believe all this might ever truly go away. But maybe it will.

So my quick history was I had a short stint with Cannabis over 3 months, and ended up having a large dose on my birthday. Quit cold turkey. 37 year old Male. Just wanted to experiment. Never would have done it at all if someone had informed me of all this stuff about PAWS withdrawl.

Went through an avalanche of symptoms, and now 10 months later, I feel much better.

What I still deal with is sort of hard to describe, head pressure, sort of a lack of hedonic feeling, though it seems to improve, a bit of dissociation DR. I still have some visual flare ups. I saw static yesterday for the first time again in awhile and it somewhat upset me, though not as much as the first couple of times. Reminds me I have a brain problem.

I worry maybe I have a permanent problem. Like HPPD. But only time will tell. It sometimes feels like maybe thats whats still going on. The sensations up in my head sometimes remind me of being on cannabis. Like I feel euphoric emotional feelings, but they feel not quite right. And I still often smell weed even when it's not here, like a phantom smell. I dosed high (about a gram), so perhaps it messed me up permanently? I hope not. At least any Derealization I have is small. People over there say high doses of weed could cause it. So maybe? They seem to have similar symptoms.

I still ruminate. I recognize the problem, but it's hard to make go away. I do lots of meditation to counteract it. Daily walks, etc.

But to the good news, so many of my old symptoms are gone. So maybe these remaining ones will go away eventually?

I keep living the healthy life, good sleep, exercise, yoga, meditation, quality food, journaling, etc. I've stopped therapy for a brief while but plan to resume this summer.

I was hoping to be super positive at this point, but I find myself mixed. It's all like a bad dream. Like how did this happen to me? I've been through so much in life, and achieved so much, and at age 37, I decided to mess up everything with a little weed? Not mess up though I hope. Life has been good this year in the sense nothing has gone wrong, but i don't feel good about what has happened and what might be a condition for the rest of my life. And I feel such guilt for my girlfriend who has had to go through this with me.

One day at a time.

Anyways, I'll keep the faith. I'm trying to become a better person. I'm putting aside a dollar a day and one day I will donate it all to a mental health organization of some kind.

Weed is legal, "natura"l, and has a lot of hype. But boy can it sure mess you up. Lucky me to be the one to learn the hard lesson and to share the tale. I love you all. Wish me well please. I want to have a good life and be a good person. And I fear I may have messed that up.

I keep hoping I'll wake up one day and the bad dream will end. But I also know this is life. Anything can happen.

I will stay positive. I have so much gratitude for all of you here, and for the amount of healing that I have achieved. Much love again.

[Richard@DecisionSkills]

https://www.healthline.com/health-news/ ... 72-hours#1

The meta-analysis looked at data from 69 studies published between 1973 and 2017. In total, the studies included 2,152 individuals described as heavy or frequent cannabis users and 6,575 nonusers as a control group.

https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/new ... ge-brain#1

The marijuana users in those 15 studies -- which lasted between three months to more than 13 years -- had smoked marijuana several times a week or month or daily. Still, researchers say impairments were less than what is typically found from using alcohol or other drugs.

"All study participants were adults," says Grant, professor of psychiatry and director of the Center for Medicinal Cannabis Research Center at the University of California, San Diego School of Medicine.

https://www.drugabuse.gov/publications/ ... /marijuana

Those who started smoking marijuana as adults didn't show notable IQ declines.

Terrific news for any adults that only smoked cannabis for three months.

[PAWSsurvivor]

Genuine thanks Richard for helping me feel better. Hope you have a good Sunday.

[uniqueason]

for me on 8 month still worry that im about to develpod some mentall illness lol no history in my family but the panic attack in the first 2 week of quitting really **** me up i got hppd too i did alot of psychedelic between 14-18 now im 21 still got obsessional thinking ocd like what wrong with me i still see vision problem like movement peripherical vision light flashes and these type of thing im pretty rational definitly better than the first 6 month but still have a way to go