I end up breaking things...

#15

Postby yodawannabe » Tue Jul 14, 2020 1:46 pm

Leo, I did notice my jaw muscles tighten. I read a post where you talked about that in detail. Very neat "TRICK" and it is very useful. My dad always used to say, "Stop. Take a deep breath." I need to remember to do that. Oxygen to the brain is good!

Candid, my plan is not to wrestle with my feelings, but to control them. If your plan for rehab is to change the outlook on life so there is no bad emotion at all and only sunshine and butterflies, then I'm not sure that is the right fit for me. If I have misunderstood, please expound.

How I see this "struggle" is like karate or any other martial arts form that uses the opponents energy against them. As an emotion comes to me like another person steps into my 3 foot bubble. If the emotion is positive I can choose to dance with it, embrace it, use it. If the emotion is negative, I can use its own energy to through it to the ground and walk away. My goal is to have the self-awareness and strength to "duck dive" the wave of anger and come out on the other side.
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#16

Postby Leo Volont » Wed Jul 15, 2020 3:36 am

Good Afternoon Yoda, Oh, my idea about relaxing the jaw muscles and taking a few deep mouth breaths, well, it's NOT for the benefit of breathing, no, it's a ritual which can only be performed if you can relax your jaw muscles enough to open your mouth. A Member who took my advise gave me that idea, that remembering to relax jaw muscles was unfamiliar and complex, but she could definitely remember to mouth breath.

Oh, your reference to Duck Diving reminded me of a life adventure. I was in the Islands once and took up snorkeling and at first snorkeling in the Bay was fun but the Ocean waters had a whole another set of coral and that was where the big fish were. I tried to be careful about my timing and the tides. It would be difficult to get into the ocean if the tide were seriously coming in because it would be difficult to crash through the waves while still in the shallow bay. Also there were patches of antler coral I had to be able to swim over. So it was good to try to hit the High Tide mark. BUT one time I over extended and it was seriously into low tide and the bay was emptying out and I was swept off in a current and heading out to sea. Hmmmm. I stayed calm. They say to swim laterally to get out of a current, but for all I knew that outward current was everywhere. Then a ocean swell came up and I noticed, referenced against the ocean bottom that it pushed me back several meters. COOL! I took a deep breath and swam down to the bottom and held onto a big rock so the current could not move me, and I waited for the next swell to come. You can see them coming. Then I'd swim up and catch the swell and then take a deep breath and back down to the rocks. An hour of that and I was back in the Bay and safety. Perhaps the most important part of that story was that I kept my head and didn't get lost in emotional panic.
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#17

Postby yodawannabe » Wed Jul 15, 2020 5:59 am

I understand.

That is a really cool story.
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#18

Postby Candid » Thu Jul 16, 2020 6:18 am

yodawannabe wrote:Candid, my plan is not to wrestle with my feelings, but to control them.


The thing about feelings is they just are. There's no such thing as illegitimate ones. Bad feelings let us know something's gone wrong.

If your plan for rehab is to change the outlook on life so there is no bad emotion at all...


Not at all. It's inappropriate to be happy when someone you love dies. It's just plain daft to be miserable all the time about things you can't control, like... life, for example.

My goal is to have the self-awareness and strength to "duck dive" the wave of anger and come out on the other side.


Okay, no quarrel with that. All I'll say is that if you're not on your own side, no one else will be. Many of us learned as small children to be harder on ourselves than we'd ever be on anyone else. Loving yourself doesn't mean being selfish, it means you're much nicer to be around and are actually more giving, less draining, with those around you.
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#19

Postby Leo Volont » Thu Jul 16, 2020 12:48 pm

Hi Candid,

It would seem you describing the mind set of a self-indulgent self obsessed "karen" brimming full of entitlement. I think it is easier for women to get away with that. Guys, who get knocked over their heads by each other for behaving that way, must be much more careful about our self-pampering.
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#20

Postby Orlorlor » Sun Aug 02, 2020 1:39 pm

It's okay, man. I also have anger issues.
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#21

Postby Leo Volont » Sun Aug 02, 2020 10:01 pm

Hi Orlorlor,

Wow! Yeah it is okay to supportive of others, but not when we go so far as to encourage them in a damaging vice. Anger issues, as you probably know already, are a kind of a curse. Being chronically angry can hurt our careers and often leads to joblessness, and can wreck our family lives. Angry people are dropped from party invitation lists. You can walk into a room and just see everybody tighten up. While the World loves a smile, they hate anger. What is the evolutionary necessity for anger? It is not for the Angry Person's benefit. The Yelling and cursing and screaming from the Angry Person is an alarm and it warns all others to run to safety. So it is that it is entirely natural to avoid an angry person as though they represent danger almost as much as the lion, tiger, wolf or bear they're cursing at. Anyway, Orlorlor if you do have anger issues then why not do something about them instead of trying to create some kind of a club where, what, you all scream at each other and beat each other up.... yeah, "Fight Club". Remember the first rule.
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#22

Postby GalmOne » Sun Aug 30, 2020 5:31 pm

Thanks for the story about diving, it's pretty much a great analogy for anger issues: grab onto something when the tide's pulling you away, and "jump" forwards when the tide goes your way!
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#23

Postby Leo Volont » Mon Aug 31, 2020 2:05 am

Hi GalmOne,

Thank you. Yeah, I am still amazed at how calm I was during that crisis. The quiet that came over my mind was what allowed me to pick up on my intuitions and then implement a plan. I think that much of it depends on not reflexively cussing and swearing when something goes wrong. I had a career as a failure analyse service technician working at both instrument and systems level, often on 'Line Stopper' failures. The trick is to never get frustrated, and that is evinced by cussing or slamming tables. I've seen other engineers and techs show frustration and I tell them "you're useless now. Get a cup of coffee". It was almost superstitious, that you don't want the GREMLINS to know they can push your buttons. You can't show the Instrument fear. So you stay calm. Oh, also when I was younger I learned how to fly. Flying is not like driving where people think they need to react to and respond to other people's driving. Also, we see a lot of Anger in terms of Drama... people get angry for audiences and drivers have audiences. But flying is solitary and issues that come up are natural and mechanical without the social human component and so it is easier to stay calm. Even when I was characterizable for my anger, I never got angry at the wheel of a car, airplane or motorcycle. That was one link that was able to help me deal with my anger, by figuring out what I was doing right there and not with the rest of my life.

Especially if you have anger issues, the ONLY THING you really need to do is stay calm. That is easiest to do if you DO NOTHING, SAY NOTHING. Nobody ever got fired for NOT talking back to the boss. No marriage ever broke up for not responding to spouses taunts. They used to recommend counting to ten. That works mostly because by the time you reach 10 the moment has already passed. The only way to remember to do nothing is to ingrain the response in your mind. If you are subject to anger and fear that any day you might screw up and blow up, well, every morning and whenever you have a moment do a short Auto-Hypnosis. But as a prep the next time you take a nap count up to 100 and then start over and count up to 1000. this won't entirely keep you from thinking and the internal monologue but it will lessen it. Eventually you will feel different and get what are called hypnagogic imagery which are little snippets of dreams. Well, remember how that feels because it is a particular mental wavelength. SO for Auto Hypnosis you want to count DOWN form about 30, and imagine yourself going down a spiral stair case or falling down a well or something where it gets darker and deeper. When you get to zero then FEEL as though you are in the hypnagogic state. You know you are close if you have trouble remembering what your Suggestion to yourself was supposed to be. But just allow yourself to float in that state and imagine situations where an emotional or social crisis occurs and you successfully react by doing nothing. then just come back up. If you ever take naps and notice that hypnagogic imagery then TRY to remember this suggestion, or any suggestion you want to work on because your mind of very receptive when in that wavelength.
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#24

Postby GalmOne » Mon Aug 31, 2020 3:37 pm

Yes, I sometimes get angry and feel like fulminating and swearing just makes me angrier, as if that anger was a muscle being exercised... Now that you're saying it, I should try and just stop and take a deep breath when something is not going my way.
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#25

Postby Leo Volont » Mon Aug 31, 2020 9:40 pm

Good Morning GalmOne,

Yeah, have you taken a look at my "Anger Management Short Term and Long Term" Essay? It's a kind of distillation of the advise I've been giving to people for the last several years. It is kind of long, but books are long too. I really think that without a lot of Self Help book reading, some every day, that Angry People can't really keep their head in the game of Anger Management and the necessary internal changes in personality and character can't take place. Heck, I even used my insurance to get 10 sessions from a Psychologist. when he saw that I was college educated he said "Good, you can read" and he flipped me my first Anger Management Book. But that was before the Internet. Now very few people read anymore. They watch videos. Heck, maybe I should use my YouTube Channel for setting forth my doctrine on Anger Management and reviewing the Anger Management Books that exist and the new ones that come out. but even then I could not deliver a new video every day and people need something every day.
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