Does the girl I like have SAD but is interested?

Postby WardenEternal » Fri Jul 17, 2020 1:56 pm

Trying to keep this short: there is this girl at school I'm interested in. She's beautiful. The typical thing to say, I know. She seems like a delightful personality as far as I know about her. I've talked to her a few times. Note: I myself suffered/suffer from debilitating social anxiety, but as years go on I'm slowly getting better.

Conversations are hard to hold past 5 minutes with this girl, but every response from her is full and informational. She smiles and giggles. Okay, mostly seems good.

She has told me that she is very shy, but not socially anxious. (after contemplating, I'm assuming she lied about being socially anxious).

One day, I grew a pair and finally asked this girl for her number after school (first time in my life). She smiled, giggled and gladly gave me her number. First time she ever said "bye" to me as well as hold the door open (she doesn't usually hold the door open for me before).

Texting day 1: very short conversation, but no mediocre or tiny responses from her. Seemed good. Slow, though.

Texting Day 2: Took her 17 hours to read what I sent her (it was just a funny picture at 8 in the morning before I had to leave for an appointment). No response. I decided to wait for her to text anything this time instead of being pushy and seemingly desperate. Till this day, so far no texts from her.

Yesterday at school: She avoided any place I was at every break. Completely even left the building to eat lunch outside by herself while I sat alone in the lunchroom (it's usually just us two).

Today: she sits in the lunchroom again. Though, this morning she looked at every person passing by until I came along. She looked away immediately and stared at the wall. This seems bad. Even at the desks she picked the one farthest possible from me. Was expecting to see my friend today outside to at least relieve myself of the distress that may be rejection. Friend didn't show so I sat in the lunchroom with her. No words exchanged, she might've looked up at me at some point.

Extra information: her social media is set to only be seen by people's numbers she's added. She still has my number added.

She's sending me mixed signals. It seemed so nice and then it just falls apart overnight. Though, I have a theory that maybe she truly is social anxious and actually still has strong feelings for me because who goes out of their way to displace themselves from someone? Not to mention, when I had severe social anxiety while younger, I'd do the complete opposite of what people do when they were interested in someone (avoidance).

Anyone have an idea? You guys know as much as I've said in this post. She's said she's shy, wants to avoid talking to people in her future job, giggles and laughs and gives me good responses, just conversation and contact is difficult. Especially today and yesterday (it freaking killed my soul).

My concern is that if I'm understanding her incorrectly and end up scaring her off even more trying to confront her.

Edit: this all took span in a matter of two weeks.
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Jul 17, 2020 5:23 pm

WardenEternal wrote:She's sending me mixed signals.

My concern is that if I'm understanding her incorrectly and end up scaring her off even more trying to confront her.


She is not sending mixed signals.

She sent a clear initial signal that she might be interested. That is normal.

She engaged with you to find out a bit more. That is normal.

She has clearly made a decision. She is not into you. Whatever interaction took place between you two, she has clearly determined that you are not for her, i.e. she is just not that into you. She is sending very clear signals by not returning texts, not initiating contact, and distancing herself from you. That is normal.

Your best path forward is to let it go. Keep your distance, engage with other friends, girls, etc. Be kind, accept her decision, and let her do her thing. If she sees you have moved on then she might relax and be willing to be a friend.
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#2

Postby WardenEternal » Mon Jul 20, 2020 5:35 pm

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:
WardenEternal wrote:She's sending me mixed signals.

My concern is that if I'm understanding her incorrectly and end up scaring her off even more trying to confront her.


She is not sending mixed signals.

She sent a clear initial signal that she might be interested. That is normal.

She engaged with you to find out a bit more. That is normal.

She has clearly made a decision. She is not into you. Whatever interaction took place between you two, she has clearly determined that you are not for her, i.e. she is just not that into you. She is sending very clear signals by not returning texts, not initiating contact, and distancing herself from you. That is normal.

Your best path forward is to let it go. Keep your distance, engage with other friends, girls, etc. Be kind, accept her decision, and let her do her thing. If she sees you have moved on then she might relax and be willing to be a friend.


The first day I started texting her, I figured things were off, already assuming she wasn't interested. I was blinded by denial hoping I was wrong.

Before I had the chance to check back on this post, I had already confronted her and she (I presume) lied that she was simply stressed due to private matters. Well, today was my last day, she won't be seeing me anymore. On the off chance she does contact me after me being gone, is it even worth giving someone a second chance even though they initially felt only a fragment of interest?
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#3

Postby Candid » Tue Jul 21, 2020 5:53 am

Maybe. There are plenty of older folk around with stories to tell about rocky beginnings.

It would be a mistake to obsess over this person, though. Makes you seem desperate, right? And there are literally millions of potential partners out there for any one of us.
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#4

Postby tokeless » Tue Jul 21, 2020 3:04 pm

I had already confronted her and she (I presume) lied that she was simply stressed due to private matters.

Not good fella.. you don't confront someone just because she doesn't respond to your advances. She may have lied because she was freaked out. Your first post was very desperate in content and shows you struggle with rejection. Leave her be and move on.. no hard feelings etc.. imagine she was your sister and she told you "About this guy".. how would you see her side of the story?
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#5

Postby WardenEternal » Mon Aug 10, 2020 10:56 am

tokeless wrote:I had already confronted her and she (I presume) lied that she was simply stressed due to private matters.

Not good fella.. you don't confront someone just because she doesn't respond to your advances. She may have lied because she was freaked out. Your first post was very desperate in content and shows you struggle with rejection. Leave her be and move on.. no hard feelings etc.. imagine she was your sister and she told you "About this guy".. how would you see her side of the story?


That's a very good point. I just struggle with this kind of thinking because my mind processes things more black and white.. I and O. I struggle with gray-zone social cues. If someone isn't interested or wants to be friends, I usually wait for those words to be said rather than wait for it "happen" as a background process (I get very anxious when I'm not sure about things).
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#6

Postby Candid » Mon Aug 10, 2020 11:15 am

This saying gained currency in the Seventies:

If you love someone, set her free. If she comes back, she's yours. If she doesn't, she never was.

Incidentally, today's woman isn't shy about letting a guy know she wants him.
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#7

Postby WardenEternal » Sat Aug 29, 2020 8:20 am

Candid wrote:This saying gained currency in the Seventies:

If you love someone, set her free. If she comes back, she's yours. If she doesn't, she never was.

Incidentally, today's woman isn't shy about letting a guy know she wants him.


That's a nice saying that one never hears the second half to.

Though I feel where I live, the people here still live very conservatively. It's rare you see someone who is unique, and when you do they are mocked for their difference which includes women ever coming out of their shell and initiating gob-smack. To add to that, there is an atmosphere of depression that all these people here where I live possess, even practically all the kids and teens are striving delinquents and all wear 100% black. It's like an early urban-dystopia. I won't reveal my living location, but it's even literally known as "The Industrial City" to add to that.

I know an answer to this would be to expand my horizons outward and leave the city, but I'm stuck as long as no one will hire me, which I have even more issues with because of how my being is (to answer any questions early, I have no way partake in criminal activity so that can be ruled out for anyone asking).

As for this particular issue I'm having, I've let things be since my last message. To my surprise, she hasn't deleted me or blocked me which is usually what happens, though I refuse to do anymore initiation; sometimes I forget that I still even have her added since I deleted the conversation history. (On WhatsApp you can extrapolate under certain circumstances when someone has deleted you as a phone contact which she seems to hasn't).

I know people say life is tough, but I didn't expect impossible.
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#8

Postby Candid » Sat Aug 29, 2020 11:32 am

You're not exactly forthcoming yourself, are you?

WardenEternal wrote:I won't reveal my living location

no one will hire me, which I have even more issues with because of how my being is (to answer any questions early, I have no way partake in criminal activity so that can be ruled out for anyone asking).


Maybe if you're a cautious type there's a good case for keeping information to yourself on line, but maybe IRL as well you're no different to the woman you'd like to meet who fears reprisal for coming out of her shell and initiating. That's going nowhere, right?

I've let things be since my last message. To my surprise, she hasn't deleted me or blocked me which is usually what happens, though I refuse to do anymore initiation


That means you didn't make a nuisance of yourself, three points to you. If may also mean that the "strong feelings" you thought she had for you were more like "meh". You're just some dude who hasn't really registered on her radar—and that may be because you withhold personal information.

I know people say life is tough, but I didn't expect impossible.


This intrigued me. When were you expecting better? Are you saying you made the decision to be born?
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#9

Postby WardenEternal » Sat Aug 29, 2020 6:29 pm

You're not exactly forthcoming yourself, are you?


Not traditionally. I've struggled with debilitating social anxiety but I've fought against it. If you told me that I've successfully initiated talking to a woman I was interested in for the first time, I would be in disbelief. It took me 6 months to build up the courage to talk to her, but at least it happening was a milestone.

Maybe if you're a cautious type there's a good case for keeping information to yourself on line, but maybe IRL as well you're no different to the woman you'd like to meet who fears reprisal for coming out of her shell and initiating. That's going nowhere, right?


You're right. That's why I appreciate the cultural shift. Not all men can initiate. Different people have different strengths, so why force a weaker link to carry out the task if it's just going to break under the load? (Or two mid-quality links working together doubles their strength for the load)

That means you didn't make a nuisance of yourself, three points to you. If may also mean that the "strong feelings" you thought she had for you were more like "meh". You're just some dude who hasn't really registered on her radar—and that may be because you withhold personal information.


Figuring out how people work at least enough as to not make her block me is another [smaller] milestone, so thank you for congratulating. I absolutely suck at reading people.

This intrigued me. When were you expecting better? Are you saying you made the decision to be born?


I wasn't expecting better, but that it at least it would go similarly to the average person's (standard) aka: go to school --> have a relationship --> get a job --> live semi-comfortably. I probably got the idea to rebel back in middle school when people would always tell me "life is hard". I always excelled in things whether I enjoyed them naturally or to impress. I was a good student and I picked up various skills, becoming a jack of all trades (master of none). Though, the one thing I really lack is interpersonal human connections throughout my entire life which basically nullifies all my knowledge in the adult world. That's why I say "life is impossible", because most people mean "life is hard" by "adult life is more about suffering than enjoying yourself". At least, that's the message I've always seemed to receive.
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#10

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sat Aug 29, 2020 11:07 pm

WardenEternal wrote: That's why I appreciate the cultural shift. Not all men can initiate. Different people have different strengths, so why force a weaker link to carry out the task if it's just going to break under the load? (Or two mid-quality links working together doubles their strength for the load)


-1- That another person cannot initiate is irrelevant.
-2- You are not forced.
-3- You are not an immutable piece of metal in a chain.

As a human you can learn, you can grow, you can get stronger. A metal link doesn't have a choice. You do. If you get rejected you will not break.

That's why I say "life is impossible", because most people mean "life is hard" by "adult life is more about suffering than enjoying yourself". At least, that's the message I've always seemed to receive.


That is how you are choosing to receive the message. It's your interpretation.

Life can be both hard and enjoyable. Manual labor can be hard work, but you reap the rewards of what you build and/or grow. Being a parent is hard, yet it provides purpose and/or meaning to life. You obviously want a relationship. Well, relationships are often hard.

A hypothetical to consider. You are a free citizen in a country committing genocide. You are in a position with the wealth and resources to save hundreds of children. You know that if you stay it will be hard to see the atrocities and you risk your own life. It will be a hard, but meaningful life. The other option is to leave the country and take up residence on a beach. You will enjoy margaritas each day and enjoy the sun and the surf. You will be safe and comfortable. You will experience little if any guilt, because leaving means you will not be exposed to the atrocities. You can rationalize that the children might have been spared or that some other person helped protect them, etc.

If you can only choose one, do you prefer a meaningful life or an enjoyable life?
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#11

Postby Candid » Sat Aug 29, 2020 11:16 pm

WardenEternal wrote:...the average person's (standard) aka: go to school --> have a relationship --> get a job --> live semi-comfortably.

Blah. Really, blah. And you might be surprised how many people's lives don't fit this "standard".

Going to school is a given. After that it really is up to you. If you make it your life's business to pursue the things you're interested in, relationships (plural) just happen.

people would always tell me "life is hard".

And I'm always tempted to ask: Compared to what?

the one thing I really lack is interpersonal human connections throughout my entire life which basically nullifies all my knowledge in the adult world.

That, and one or two other things you've said, make me wonder whether you might be on the autism spectrum.
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#12

Postby WardenEternal » Sun Aug 30, 2020 6:34 am

As a human you can learn, you can grow, you can get stronger.


I suppose I've proven that.

A metal link doesn't have a choice. You do. If you get rejected you will not break.


That's probably why I made the choices to never put myself in a place to get rejected, panic attacks definitely aren't fun, but so isn't isolation.

If you can only choose one, do you prefer a meaningful life or an enjoyable life?


My answer would be tying the two together, creating an enjoyable life or one to be proud of through meaningful actions.

And I'm always tempted to ask: Compared to what?


I thought about this one since they never really gave a comparison. Logically it would be death since there's no other 3rd form of existence. Unless I'm understanding the question wrong?

That, and one or two other things you've said, make me wonder whether you might be on the autism spectrum.


I've come to the same question myself. If that really is the case, then it feels much like a double-edged sword (or oil and water). On one side, my interest for other people is naturally little. On the other side, I feel hollow as if I'm missing a big part of my life as a human. Or at least I did for a big part of it, I've made two friends that seem to put up with me and my quirks and it baffles me how they do it. I'm just glad to at least have friends that I enjoy and appreciate. Edit: interjecting here to add that I still struggle with people in the open whenever I interact because we always misunderstand each other, language barrier is partly to blame for that. [Edit ends here]. I'm still curious and eager for romance but can't see them being hard work as Richard puts it (after all, my friendships weren't difficult besides maybe saying "hello" to the first person and being patient with the second person warming up to me although we weren't childish about interacting like seemingly the average of people). I can only see it as hard work if it's with the wrong person because of differences and conflicting character flaws, though could just be my inexperience and naiveté on the topic. I'm just bitter about romance.
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#13

Postby Candid » Sun Aug 30, 2020 7:36 am

Candid wrote:And I'm always tempted to ask: Compared to what?


WardenEternal wrote:I thought about this one since they never really gave a comparison. Logically it would be death since there's no other 3rd form of existence. Unless I'm understanding the question wrong?

I personally believe there's just one form of existence and this is it, seeing as there's zero evidence for anything else. You get your threescore years and ten or so, then time's up. If you actually think you're Eternal you can put off personal growth forever. How would your feelings about life change if you thought this Life was All There Is?

I've come to the same question (about being on the autism spectrum) myself.

It would be worth investigating, because there are things you can learn about Getting On with Other People. For example: You can mimic the physical signs of empathy, learn not to jump topics or dominate the conversation, and how to recognise when someone has made a significant statement about her- or himself (so you can acknowledge it). A lot of the work in high-functioning autism (or aspergers) comes from the 'mindfulness' literature.

On one side, my interest for other people is naturally little. On the other side, I feel hollow as if I'm missing a big part of my life as a human.

Well, there you go. I myself have never been comfortable with someone "just putting up with me", and I think you'd be happier if you raised your standards: your personal 'quirks', what you expect of other people, and what you expect of your one glorious life. The "standard" you proposed was way too dreary for a quirky young man. I'm sure you can do better.

A nursing friend told me it's as though people with aspergers (mostly male, for some reason) have two heads, and I've found that a helpful image in relating to my husband. With two heads there's chaos going on most of the time, he makes connections neurotypicals can't possibly see, and regularly jumps the tracks. He needs routine, he needs to space out with his preferred music sometimes, he point-blank refuses to eat certain foods—a LOT of foods—because he doesn't like the look or the smell of them, and he's also inclined to boss me around—because naturally anything I'm doing, he can see a better way of doing it. :roll:

Does any of that sound like you?

I'm still curious and eager for romance but can't see them being hard work as Richard puts it (after all, my friendships weren't difficult


I'm with you, Warden. Why make work of it? Another Seventies saying is something along the lines of if you try to catch a butterfly it will keep flying away, but if you stand still for a while it might choose to rest on your shoulder.

The people I choose as friends can be a rest from hard work, or on a good day someone to raise a glass with, or someone to walk along a riverbank with, sharing our philosophies, enjoying our samenesses and appreciating our differences. Friendship is the oasis in life, where what I'm wearing and what I'm saying and what I'm thinking of doing next and everything else is completely accepted, appreciated, loved. That means I'm not one of those people with 200+ friends, but the ones I have are gold.

I know that in the UK there's a tick-box questionnaire that somehow determines whether someone has ASD or not. You may be able to find it online.
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#14

Postby Candid » Sun Aug 30, 2020 7:45 am

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