I don't know what it is!! What help do I need!!?? I'm lost

Postby Requimfordream » Tue Jul 21, 2020 7:36 pm

I don't even know when this started but at this point of life I'm lost, I don't really know what I'm dealing with, Is so hard too explain how I feel, been a long time in this battle and I need answers..
I moved with someone not for love when I was 25 y/o, now I'm 40 and I'm still here with him, its very hard because he got very sick and he is old and alone so for me is very difficult to move out and I Don't even know if that is what I want... I'm alone too... Well this is just part of the story...
Right now I'm taking 100 mg of trazadone at night and 10 mg of buspar, my sleep disturbances are a long problem, first when I was a kid I couldn't sleep alone because I was afraid of the dark, then when I got into young adult age I dealt with the same problem I couldn't sleep alone, got addicted to smoke weed for 10 years to dealt with my life but slowly I became depend on the weed, I used to smoke every day, all day, but I also used to sleep like a baby, during my time of addiction I start development anxiety and paranoia I remember that started 1 day at night; I thought I have something inside my eye and I spent a couple of hour looking into. After a couple years it was a very hard time in my life I was diagnost with herpes so it was very difficult to accepted that, after a few month of having that horrible news I became paranoih about having hiv and I was in months of dread, going to doctors after doctors, I couldn't accept the NEGATIVE results it was a very frightening time. Eventually I got over it, but I continued with my addiction with more tolerance so I need it to smoke more. One day I took a trip for 2 weeks since I felt normal I thought everything will be ok, but not! the second night I start experiencing withdraws and paranoia I couldn't sleep at all, even If I was relax I could not fall asleep, my face collapsed, what suppose to be vacation it became a nightmare, and this keep happened to me every time that I went away and I couldn't smoke the amount of weed that I need to stay high and calm, it was like that for 5 years, I was and still afraid to even visit family because I know, I won't sleep and I will be agitated and paranoid and act uneasy and in mania...
3 Years ago I stop smoking weed due to a horrible episode of deserialization and depersonalization along with panics attacks and paranoia, I ended in a Psych hospital... But they sent me home with an activan pill, I went to my doctor and explained my problem and he put me on Zolof 25 mg... To say the true I felt Zoloft didn't help, I was very agitated and irritated while on that pill, I stop used it when I went online and learned a bit about the thoughts you have with anxiety and that calmed a little bit, I was a bit relaxed and not need of medication only some herbs supplements for 6 months but I started a job in a restaurant and they put me to serve tables and the place its really busy and its not an easy job so I have a spike on stress and anxiety I went to see a psychiatrist because I couldn't sleep and I was very afraid of become crazy and loosing it all, I was shaking and nervous all the time and he put me on 100 mg of trazadone ever since...
I was dealing with my anxiety or depression I don't even know what it is now.. its horrible I still get only 4 hours of sleep every with the trazadone and buspar...
3 month ago I was watching tv and a horrible intrusive thought came to my mind and I reacted with a lot of fear and alarmed me about my mental stability, I'm not that type of person what would I think this way... Oh boy since then the nightmare started all over again, I start having crazy thoughts and sleepness nights, I was in a deep dark hole.. Thoughts about I will be getting worse and how can I spent the rest of my life in this situation feeling this way, lost of appetite and sex and lost of interest in social life, spending day after day over thinking of this horrible intrusive thoughts, they eventually became less intrusive but I'm still in a very discomfort zone, I have thoughts about suicide but is just a thought not a desire or wish, I know even if I get really bad I will reach help... Somedays I feel lost and dread with difficult to breath or heavy breathing, some days I'm sad about all this happening to me and the pain I will cause to the people who know Me and love me, I don't want them to know what I'm going through, only a few people know but they have also experience anxiety too. Today I wake up with the idea that I may be dealing with bipolar, is probably what I have but I'm also afraid of the medication and their complications and side effects, even I'm taking trazadone 100mg in this low dose it has only sedative effects... I have difficult sleeping and I wake up 3-4 hours after I take the medication and that alarm me, then I fall sleep again just to have non stop vivid dreams and I wake up tired and is difficult to get out of the bed. I spent some time trying to take a nap but I can't... I'm watching my diet and I got for a run almost every day, I also have cut alcohol, I want to feel normal and good and I will stand still in this, but I need real help...
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#1

Postby Requimfordream » Wed Jul 29, 2020 9:06 pm

Hi any one out there? do you think buspirione can increase suicidial thoughts? I'm already 5 weeks with this medication and I think and thinking too much about those issues!!
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#2

Postby Candid » Thu Jul 30, 2020 6:09 am

Requimfordream wrote:do you think buspirione can increase suicidial thoughts?


Very likely. A lot of head drugs include increased suicidality among their many side-effects. Have a look at the information that's folded up tightly in the pack.
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#3

Postby Requimfordream » Fri Jul 31, 2020 2:46 am

That drug here in the USA doesn't have a black box warning, I'm going to tapper off, it help with my anxiety, but I don't like my thoughts... But I don't know if I should try something else
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#4

Postby Requimfordream » Fri Jul 31, 2020 7:13 pm

Candid wrote:
Requimfordream wrote:do you think buspirione can increase suicidial thoughts?


Very likely. A lot of head drugs include increased suicidality among their many side-effects. Have a look at the information that's folded up tightly in the pack.

Hi thank you for your reply, I have another question, I read that sometimes these drugs increase the anxiety and or depression during the first weeks of the treatment, also suicidal thoughs... I'm on the 4th week. So I just wondering if I should keep taking to see any improvement or should I just taper off? my dr appointment is in 1 week
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#5

Postby Candid » Sat Aug 01, 2020 6:57 am

Stay with it, and see what happens.
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#6

Postby Requimfordream » Sun Aug 02, 2020 3:42 am

thank you so much, this make me more anxious, I hope my brain doesn't get damage from this drug... It so scary have these feelings...
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#7

Postby Candid » Sun Aug 02, 2020 8:22 am

Do you think people on a forum know better than your doctor? If so, maybe teach her or him about google.
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#8

Postby Requimfordream » Sun Aug 02, 2020 4:49 pm

Maybe they don't know better, but there is people with experience that probably bee through this and can tell their experience...
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#9

Postby Candid » Mon Aug 03, 2020 8:25 am

Drugs cause different reactions in different people. That's why they need to be prescribed. That's why we're told not to take a sample from someone other than a doctor who thinks this will fix what ails us. That's why someone who's never examined you, even if it's a medical doctor, isn't permitted to prescribe a drug for you.

I understand you'll be seeing your doctor on Friday. If you're having seriously adverse reactions before then, you need to make an emergency appointment.
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#10

Postby Candid » Thu Aug 06, 2020 7:33 am

What a long week it's been! I hope you'll discuss all your concerns when you see your doctor tomorrow.
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#11

Postby Requimfordream » Wed Aug 12, 2020 10:48 pm

Thank you Candid you are such a king person...I talked to de the doctor, Now she think my chronic anxiety turn into a little of a bipolar disorder, she told me to get off the buspar and she wants to put me on Abilify, I cried the whole day after day after she told me that and I felt more anxious, but is the reality that I've been in a battle with this anxiety for a long time...I don't know if it is true that I have a bipolar disorder but I know that the buspar triggered what I'm going through now, she believes that all my adverse reactions to regular antidepressants its because there is another issue. I'm afraid to take abilify after my experience with the buspar, I think I just want to get off from the buspar and the trazadone for sleep and see how I feel for at least a mont, If I just can sleep normally all should be good but I get to anxious when I get to bed... I also think that my lifestyle has something to do with all this, but unfortunately I can't change any of that for now...
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#12

Postby Candid » Thu Aug 13, 2020 7:21 am

I was briefly on Abilify myself having been misdiagnosed with schizoaffective disorder after a very long period of acute insomnia. Chronic I can just about handle but this acute phase went on for two years, so I really do sympathise. I've also taken Trazadone short-term.

It often feels experimental, doesn't it? Your doctor says Oh, that didn't work? Okay, try this...

Requimfordream wrote:If I just can sleep normally all should be good but I get to anxious when I get to bed... I also think that my lifestyle has something to do with all this, but unfortunately I can't change any of that for now...


Hand on heart, I know this feeling! I can be falling asleep in front of the goggle-box in the evenings, then I head for my bed and WHAM! IT's in my face and I'm wide awake thinking WHAT HAVE I DONE?

I agree with you about lifestyle factors. It's like knowing exactly what you need but not being able to get there. In my case, my misspent youth caught up with me a decade ago, (not) coincidentally when I signed up to the forum. I've been flailing around ever since.

I think I just want to get off from the buspar and the trazadone for sleep and see how I feel...


You mean under medical supervision, right? Please tell me you're not just going to toss these out and see what happens!

And what is it about your lifestyle that's so very wrong for you? I know what IT is for me and, like you, "I can't change any of that for now".

I moved with someone not for love when I was 25 y/o, now I'm 40 and I'm still here with him, its very hard because he got very sick and he is old and alone so for me is very difficult to move out and I Don't even know if that is what I want...


Ah, there is it. Yes, Requimfordream, we're in parallel. :( :(
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#13

Postby Requimfordream » Thu Aug 13, 2020 2:30 pm

Hi Candid, I don't want to take that drug abilify because I'm still broken heart from the feelings I had from the buspar, many people warned me about taking medication because they messed up your brain and for sure I did experienced that for real... ohh god...
I'm off the buspar and my doctor knows that, the trazadone I just take for sleep in sedative doses 100mg, which according to the doctor does not have any effect on serotonin at that low dose... The buspar increased my anxiety to a point that I was afraid to do something bad to someone or to my self... I had those feelings before when I quick weed cold turkey after 10 year of addiction.. but they were different with the buspar, they were more powerful, I was so afraid and alarm and catastrophy, with those impulsion's phobias, I had a horrible panic attack when I saw a knife since then my anxiety went to sky high looking at the worse scenario... Then the depression came and the suicidal thoughts. but they seem to be diminishing after I tapper off the buspar.. 2 days ago I'm totally off the buspar.. It will be a little hard to forget that experience and to have the resistance to do not have those thoughts which I know it can actually make it worse... Last year when I start a new job which was very stressful I wake up in the middle of the night with my head spinning and I add the FEAR to the stress and boom!! the perfect combination for an anxiety attack, now I know that the anxiety its that, the FEAR we add to any stressful moment in life...
Yes my life style its not super happy neither the perfect one but I'm the only one guilty of it, because I'm always thinking in the others and not in my self, and now with this virus its no short solution to it...
what do you mean ? WE'RE PARALLEL?
Regards...
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#14

Postby Requimfordream » Thu Aug 13, 2020 2:42 pm

I also have to tell you that the vivid dreams are less now, but my anxiety persist, How was your experience with abilify ??
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