Question that has never been answered, please help

Postby Ijustwantanswers » Sat Jul 25, 2020 6:19 pm

[ TRIGGER WARNING FOR HURT, ABUSE, AND SELF HARM ] Hello, call me Gina. I'm very new here and hope I'm posting in the right place, if not, please let me know and I will delete and move the post to the appropriate place.

Ever since I was around 5-6 years old (I'm missing many memories of childhood, but I do remember this part), I'm not sure if it started earlier than this, but what I recall is having intense fantasies about hurting younger children. We had a young neighbor, around 3-4 who I would on the daily fantasize about hurting in various ways, making her cry and beg. Looking back I know it was awful and I'm kind of concerned about it. It would also be about other kids, always younger than me, usually female. I have vaguely acted upon some of the urges, such as tossing a child onto a couch, and lightly hitting them with a stick. I've also had urges to hurt animals, and have shoved my cats off the bed just out of intense urge and impulse, as well as lightly tossed around a dog. I was brought up believing to scold someone you must hit them.

As things progressed, the child hurting urges came back a few years ago, and I buried them deeply until digging them up today. I want to get to the bottom of this.

Recently the urges and fantasies have progressed to older people, usually men, and hurting them in various awful ways. I want it to be men who have hurt others, murderers, abusers, the like. Show them what it's like. I also hurt myself often, I've struggled with self harm for years. I get a high from thinking of these things and hurting myself.

I was abused throughout childhood, emotional and some physical, possibly sexual at an early age. I've been diagnosed with schizoaffective bipolar type, OCD, GAD, and PTSD. My therapist believe it might actually be DID but she is not sure. I have always had rather high empathy and been sensitive to others, and when criticized. People describe me as nice, quiet, funny, positive things, which confuses me about the things I mentioned above. Sometimes I fear I've created a persona to show others and act how I'm "supposed" to. I don't even know if this is possible. I don't even know why that would be. I was a bright, loud, friendly child. I had troubles in school and was pulled out.

This is as much information as I can give. If anyone has any insight, please, please let me know. Thank you so much.
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Postby Candid » Sun Jul 26, 2020 7:30 am

Ijustwantanswers wrote:I was abused throughout childhood, emotional and some physical, possibly sexual at an early age. I've been diagnosed with schizoaffective bipolar type, OCD, GAD, and PTSD. My therapist believe it might actually be DID but she is not sure.


Well, Gina, a lot of us who suffered Adverse Childhood Experiences have been misdiagnosed with insulting labels by the people in white coats whose childhoods were good enough for them to concentrate, believe unquestioningly in their own goodness and intelligence, relate well to the people around them, and become successful in other ways.

This book extract http://pete-walker.com/fAQsComplexPTSD.html by Pete Walker will ring bells for you as it did for me.

This is not to say that those so diagnosed do not have issues that are similar and correlative with said disorders, but that these labels are incomplete and unnecessarily shaming descriptions of what the client is afflicted with.

I recommend reading as much as you can stomach of Pete's work, because Complex PTSD is quite different from the result of single-incident trauma.

After that you may find more and better help on a CPTSD-specific forum such as Out Of The Storm, https://www.outofthestorm.website/.

Out of the Storm (OOTS) is a free and anonymous site for English speaking adults suffering from Complex PTSD due to ongoing relational trauma (i.e., sexual/physical/emotional abuse or neglect).

Naturally you're still welcome to post here. It's a good place to let off steam.
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