Hounded by false allogations

Postby 47 » Sat Aug 15, 2020 6:24 pm

Hi this story is quite long so I'll try to give a cut down bullet point version of my situation.

    2015: I was falsely accused at workplace A, I never got to here what I was accused of but there was a lot of hate directed at me. One of the things I was called was a narcissist. I know I did nothing wrong, other than try to defend myself against a bulling culture at this company. I tried to fight it by just being professional, hoping that the truth would come out but it never did. After around 9 months of this I left.

    2016: This experience destroyed me and left me feeling depressed and anxious, I tried going to councillors but it didn't real work for me. I had issues with but nothing serious, but this left me felling destroyed. Eventually, after a few months I managed to pull myself together enough to get a new job.

    2018: I had been working for workplace B for about 1 1/2 years, initially i was very fearful and trembling around other people and just kept to myself. I wasn't able to perform very well and felt I should hand in my resignation; it was rejected and I carried on. Through out this time I couldn't forget what happened at workplace A, having periods of switching between anger, depression and anxiety. Then I noticed this guy looking over at me telling people how much he hated me and I was a narcissist etc' and playing game trying to make me angry and expose the narcissist. (I also believed that people from workplace A were talking to my neighbours to spread hate of me.) I raised a grievance with HR and they found nothing; eventually they suspended me and called mental health services on me.

    2019: I eventually found a very good therapist who diagnosed me with avoidant personality disorder and social anxiety; I spend the next 8 months suspended going to therapy and I got back to work. Thanks to the support of workplace B I managed to get back to better than normal and could enjoy things again.

    2020: Things got better I started to perform back at my previous level before workplace A nearly killed me. Now however there is another hate campaign being unleashed on me. I'd been talking to this person at lunch but when I left he seemed to go mad shouting "..he's a f***ing w****r, he shouldn't be here... I tried to just ignore it. Again people are running around calling me a narcissist and some are using blocking behaviour to stop me from getting my tasks done by not doing there job when I ask.

I understand at workplace B that there would be people unhappy to see me back; I after all raised false allocations (or did I, not so sure now). However, it has been over a year and I apologised to the guy I raised a grievance against.

I simply don't know what to do. I know I've not done anything so bad to have people constantly want to destroy my career. I want to try and out these people, but all it did last time was make things worse.

I don't know if I can really trust anyone to tell the truth because they think they are being smart, out smarting the narcissist; I've read all about such things over the years so see what they are up to.

Is there anyway to find out what I'm being accused of and clear my name? I'm fed up with it. Before I know I was having trouble believing things that weren't necessarily true; but I'm not have trouble outside of work this time regards hearing and misinterpreter things etc'. So I know this new situation is real, is it also likely that grievance was correct; when a group of people lie you can't win.

I believe that people from workplace A are behind this because they said they would make sure my career got ended. How do I get to the truth?
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sun Aug 16, 2020 6:12 pm

What type of job do you perform? Does it require much social interaction?
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#2

Postby 47 » Sun Aug 16, 2020 7:04 pm

I'm an electronics engineer and doesn't require much social interaction, but there is some. I tried to avoid it as much as possible until returning after therapy, since than I've made an effort to interact more.
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#3

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sun Aug 16, 2020 8:25 pm

Why do you believe they call you a narcissist? That term is specific.

It isn't that they believe you are a narcissist about your skills on the tennis court, right? Or that you are a judo master, or race car driver, or a wine aficionado, correct?

The purpose of the question(s) is to narrow in on exactly what triggers others to use that term when discussing you.
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#4

Postby Candid » Mon Aug 17, 2020 10:23 am

On May 01, 2018, 47 wrote:I went though a very stressful workplace bullying situation a couple of years ago, this lasted around 1 year. The company I worked for before that also bullied me to the point of leaving; but I moved on.


Now however there is another hate campaign being unleashed on me.


By my calculations that's three consecutive workplaces in which your co-workers have wanted to get rid of you.

I know I've not done anything so bad to have people constantly want to destroy my career.


Have you heard of the Johari window?

Anything you know about yourself and are willing to share is part of your open area. Individuals can build trust between themselves by disclosing information to others and learning about others from the information they in turn disclose about themselves.

Any aspect that you do not know about yourself, but others within the group have become aware of, is in your blind area. With the help of feedback from others you can become aware of some of your positive and negative traits as perceived by others and overcome some of the personal issues that may be inhibiting your personal or group dynamics within the team.

There are also aspects about yourself that you are aware of but might not want others to know, this quadrant is known as your hidden area. This leaves just one area and is the area that is unknown to you or anyone else – the unknown area.

https://www.selfawareness.org.uk/news/u ... ndow-model

Is there anyway to find out what I'm being accused of and clear my name?


You believe you've been falsely accused in three workplaces. Do you have even one good friend? Are you on good terms with family members? Before you approach management (again?) to find out what you're being accused of, you need to ask someone you trust about your blind area.
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#5

Postby 47 » Mon Aug 17, 2020 7:34 pm

Hi, it has only been two workplaces A and B.

I'm on very good terms with my family members, we are a close family they are my closest friends.

I did have some good friends and was invited to be best man at one friends wedding which I was honoured by. Unfortunately, I do struggle making new friends. Since moving away to go to Workplace A I slowly lost contact and after my bad experience there I just avoided contact with them because I had changed so much, (depression I guess), I didn't want to be rejected by them also.

At workplace A, I was a rising star for most of the time there, I have one friend from there still. However, it was a bullying environment and I didn't take part in that. In fact I help one ex-colleague to sue Workplace A for wrongful dismissal and victimisation (who won). I feel my biggest mistake was not leaving that company sooner when I saw what the people were like, but I kept telling myself not to over react.

I'm always polite and helpful at all times and it wasn't until workplace A that my troubles started and continued. I know I'm not a Narcissist I spent a lot of time self analysing and seek the analysis of others. Given the hatred with which they use the term they are not talking about my skills.

I know at both workplace A and B I believe I was accused of sabotage; which is simply not the case. However, nobody wants to talk to be about it they are just convinced I did this without question and I don't know why.

I kept to myself and try not to bother anyone so why the hatred? Perhaps this make me a good target? I'm trying to improve my interpersonal skills so people can get to know me better, but there are people actively trying to put people off me from the start.

I read about Narcissistic behaviour and worry that someone from Workplace A has targeted me and is getting to people at Workplace B. But there seems no way to uncover this or stop it. I tried twice to find out what I was accused of. It seems to me that a certain type of person is using pop-psychology as weapon in the work place. What better way to get other good people to attack your target.
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#6

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Aug 17, 2020 8:21 pm

You did not answer the question. I wonder why?
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#7

Postby Candid » Tue Aug 18, 2020 7:48 am

47 wrote:Unfortunately, I do struggle making new friends.


Well, yes. Avoidant behaviour is the antithesis of making friends.

I'm always polite and helpful at all times


I'm sure you are, but someone who keeps to himself while getting the work done can easily come across as thinking himself superior. Other People don't like that and yes, it does make you a target. That's why I mentioned the Johari Window.

there are people actively trying to put people off me from the start.

I ... worry that someone from Workplace A has targeted me and is getting to people at Workplace B.


Seems unlikely to me. Sane people have no interest in Mr Unpopular once he moves on. Besides that, you've been at workplace B since 2016. Do you really think the mystery person from workplace A waited four years to start wrecking your life again? If you considered yourself that significant it really would be suggestive of NPD.

I also believed that people from workplace A were talking to my neighbours to spread hate of me.


So with no provocation from you, both co-workers and neighbours are mysteriously giving you the cold shoulder. Have I got that right?
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#8

Postby 47 » Tue Aug 18, 2020 5:50 pm

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:You did not answer the question. I wonder why?


Which question, why they think I'm a Narcissist?

That is easy, at Workplace A I believe I was accused of setting up a project to fail and that was the first time I heard the term. There was absolute outrage and people even shouted out "paedophile" as well as "Narcissist"; there were other things but those I found the most hurtful because I would say the are in amongst societies most evil people. (Previously my friends told me I'm too nice.)

I use the term believe because I was never actual officially accused and nobody talked to me about it. But they stare at me when I came in a room and say "...here comes the Narcissists..." Further I could here them talking about it how I'd set up the project to fail etc'.
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#9

Postby 47 » Tue Aug 18, 2020 6:12 pm

Candid wrote:
there are people actively trying to put people off me from the start.

I ... worry that someone from Workplace A has targeted me and is getting to people at Workplace B.


Seems unlikely to me. Sane people have no interest in Mr Unpopular once he moves on. Besides that, you've been at workplace B since 2016. Do you really think the mystery person from workplace A waited four years to start wrecking your life again? If you considered yourself that significant it really would be suggestive of NPD.



I see the logic, but I believed this not four years later but immediately on leaving Workplace A. i read about how people with NPD don't give up on trying to destroy their target and it's this constant worry that lead to my eventual breakdown. That combined with it seeming to repeat at Workplace B, it was evidence I was right. In addition, what if I do have NPD that means I'm evil right? Even though I KNOW I've not done anything by Narcissistic drives.

A lesson in a little knowledge being a bad thing.

Also, to answer the above a group stated that they would make sure I couldn't get an engineering job again. (It's open plan offices, easy to see and hear loud people standing 10 m way.)

I don't understand how keeping to yourself and getting your work done can be considered as think you are superior. I just don't understand people.

The worst thing is if only I'd stayed in my home town I would have had my friends and family close by.
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#10

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Tue Aug 18, 2020 9:17 pm

47 wrote: There was absolute outrage and people even shouted out "paedophile" as well as "Narcissist"; there were other things but those I found the most hurtful...


Why would they shout "pedophile"?

I don't think a public forum will do much to help you. The issues you describe are best handled in mutiple closed therapy sessions with a clinical psychologist.

Best of luck to you.
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#11

Postby Candid » Wed Aug 19, 2020 6:26 am

47 wrote:i read about how people with NPD don't give up on trying to destroy their target and it's this constant worry that lead to my eventual breakdown.


Human minds are very powerful, so much so that what we believe and affirm every day tends to become true. If you're constantly looking for evidence that people are out to get you, you're going to behave in mistrustful and secretive ways that tell other people you can't be trusted. Self-fulfilling prophecy, right?

a group stated that they would make sure I couldn't get an engineering job again.


From an outside perspective the question has to be what you did to make this group dislike you so much. I believe you that you don't know, I'd have to ask them. You're probably going about that open-plan office not making eye contact and never smiling, and that's understandable with what's going on in your head but obviously it's no way to Win Friends and Influence People.

I don't understand how keeping to yourself and getting your work done can be considered as think you are superior. I just don't understand people.


There's a reason why you're in an open-plan office: management has set out to create a team. This is where people come to meet their playmates, where unlike on the outside, everyone knows how things work and speaks the same language. Just getting your work done isn't enough. Team members who create relationships on the job are happier to come to work, they stay longer and don't rock the boat. You simply don't fit in, and you didn't in your previous job either.

If all that's incomprehensible to you, you might do better in one of the work-from-home jobs that have sprung up since covid-19 arrived on the scene. You could just do your work day in and day out and not have to deal with anyone else.

The alternative is to go home and start afresh. Having friends and family nearby would build up your self-esteem again.
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#12

Postby 47 » Wed Aug 19, 2020 7:23 am

From an outside perspective the question has to be what you did to make this group dislike you so much. I believe you that you don't know, I'd have to ask them. You're probably going about that open-plan office not making eye contact and never smiling, and that's understandable with what's going on in your head but obviously it's no way to Win Friends and Influence People.


Yes, that was how I was behaving. You are also right I didn't fit in, that is something I felt but tried my best to. I am much improved since then after medication and therapy; I was hoping after coming back from suspension it would be a fresh start. Unfortunately, some people don't seem to believe in that.

I'm thinking that I really have only one choice but to leave and go back to my home town. Perhaps a career change also which is scary; I don't know anything else.

Thanks for you replies.
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#13

Postby Candid » Wed Aug 19, 2020 12:43 pm

Have you been tested for ASD, 47? Being engrossed in your work and unaware of how you're perceived by others (often being blunt to the point of rudeness) are symptomatic. They're also symptomatic of C-PTSD.

I'm thinking that I really have only one choice but to leave and go back to my home town. Perhaps a career change also which is scary; I don't know anything else.


You know about endurance. Going home is a good idea if it's really what you want to do. Being as pleasant as you can be on the job and continuing to work as hard as you do is another possibility.
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#14

Postby 47 » Fri Aug 21, 2020 3:57 pm

I've not been tested for ASD, as for C-PTSD, HR at my current workplace mentioned that as a possibility also.

I have wondered about ASD, my family mentioned in passing once and I've been compared to "Sheldon" from big bang before; but I'm not that bad or smart :)

I looked up C-PTSD and considered this a possibly given my experience and symptoms/

My therapist never mentioned either C-PTSD or ASD as a possibility, I might as what he thinks.
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