Needing encouragement

Postby G83diddy » Wed Aug 19, 2020 8:07 pm

This is my first time posting. Didn’t even really know which area to post under.... I am a 51 year-old teacher. Father of two beautiful children. I became addicted to marijuana as a young high school student (15 years old). Where I come from, use of marijuana is quite common and now legal. I used to help block the pain surrounding low-self esteem and self-confidence. Despite my addiction, finished school and became an elementary school teacher. Have been doing it for 25 years now.
At the age of 31 I was lucky enough to be introduced to a wonderful woman who eventually became my wife. We had two children together. My use of marijuana increased as I took on more responsibilities in life. I began to have more trouble handling my emotions. My wife told me I needed help, but I didn’t know where to turn. Unfortunately I then became addicted to gambling. I threw away money that could have paid for vacations and memories. I struggled silently with these addictions for 13 years.Fast forward. At age 49 I finally became so overwhelmed and depressed that I went to get help. I was too ashamed to admit my drug use and gambling to my health care providers. As a result, I was diagnosed as depressed instead of bipolar. The meds for depression made me manic. My emotions went off the charts. I ended up doing terrible things to my wife and family as a result. We are now divorced, and I am devastated. More importantly, my children are shocked and devastated. I am doing everything possible to try to forgive myself. I’ve been wrestling with them thought of taking my own life since all of this happened. I know what that will do to my kids, though. I think you can now see why I didn’t know where to post this...self-esteem,, addiction, depression... I really need some encouragement and ideas for how to forgive myself and move forward. I can’t stop ruminating over my mistakes. I can’t let go of my family (my ex has a new boyfriend. We are very amicable, but she doesn’t want me back). I am at a loss. Please help if you can....
G83diddy
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#1

Postby G83diddy » Wed Aug 19, 2020 8:26 pm

PS.... I no longer use marijuana, nor do I gamble. I have the correct medication and my emotions are under control for the first time in my life. I just don’t know how to move forward without looking back.
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