Social Media Behavior - Unofficial relationship breakup

Postby CLEMATIS » Wed Aug 26, 2020 7:15 pm

Complicated question. But I dated a man 45 minutes from me, met online, for 7 weeks.
5 weeks we had both a mental and intuitive connection, yet 1 week he sort of let go of some communication and then after our 3rd date (5 weeks) he dropped out (disconnected) saying he reels back when things get real. He had a lot of stress related to work before leaving for a 2 week vacation an 1,000 miles away. On his vacation he not only seemed to drop out communication on me but his clients that one was crying because of unreturned calls and she had cancer. Anyways, he made small attempts at communication, but it was more me pulling for it. His last week he totally cancelled on 2 calls because of friends and then no communication on both our parts for 3 days. He returned and apologized by text to tell me he found an unexpected connection with a girl. And lastly that we've always been forthright with one another. I was totally surprised, I thought he had some mental stuff going on and was giving him space.

Since its never happened before in my 28 years of dating, I asked if we were breaking communication. He said he doesn't unless someone has done something egregious. I told him I felt we were still friends & didn't know what this would look like, but there would be nothing beyond a hug (I'm a christian and he claims to be, so really that's all he got out of me by our last date. More me setting the boundaries than him). So I wished him well with him, blessings and this new relationship - being that we were exploring if we would be a good long term match/marriage & never official. He left with saying friendship still involves talking, or something like that.

Immediately he began liking my post on social media, that maybe he'd neglected 3 days before. And after, those of shared interest or any photo of me. I had unfollowed him immediately and didn't see anything on his page till 2 months later. He also made comments on post more than he did when we dated. I was frugal about his page when we were dating in case things didn't work out. So two months later i decided to "take a break" so he can't see my post, mentally I've had a hard time moving on even though I'm busy with many outside things and even have a few dates lined up coming from far distances. When I looked at his page I had a little closure seeing the girl (more in his social class maybe and sexually overt before they started posting) even pictures from the vacation. He had admitted to some promiscuity after his divorce (5-8 women) its been 1 year and 1 year separation. and said he wanted to change that because he didn't realize the emotional attachment women have.

One thing I did to bring closure is an activity we had discussed doing together. Interestingly I had done that activity in his town before with a friend some years before and decided to do it. And I'm sure he was confused since I was 2 minutes from his house. When I looked at his page the other day I noticed he had done the same with the girl 1,000 miles away, paying for all her expenses and the sister too and buying matching clothes (money isn't an issue for him, privileged background). He also took her on a friends yacht (my suggestion) we were thinking of doing.And one of the poses on a sand dune looks similar to one I did on a sand dune right before our last date. She's the one tagging, but he's done one post that was of her in his town. He's even posted something about a lost kid that is in a city near me. And then he did a surprise visit last weekend to see her. His mom is the only one to comment. He's in an official capacity for his town and owns two businesses. He seemed to be unsure how this relationship was going to work because of the distance and he thought it was weird that I was going to have a date with someone over 500 miles. So now the only thing he can like is my profile photo (which is usually flowers) or background (usually landscapes), which he has been. I even laid low for 2 weeks by not posting before taking a break. So yes, this is a long question, but what does this behavior on social media mean?

1.) wiping away guilt
2.) trying to get me to like his page - ego
3.) his idea of friendship (I'm the only girl that has not broken off communication after dating)
4.) Wants to see me miserable (life has gone on like it was before with no interruptions or anyone noticing according to the way I post on social media. Not even my sister knew about him till yesterday, just my close friends)
5.) Genuinely cares for me but feels guilty
6.) Putting me on the backburner for later
7.) Compartmentalizes and thinks nothing of it; that I said we were friends, so I'm in the social media friends category

On an additional note, he doesn't seem to delete any of his past, I was able to see his 8 month relationship with another girl he said didn't have any moral compass and didn't understand why his mom was still friends with her. It looks like she either unfriended or blocked because there is nothing on his page anymore from her.
And I was the only girl he dated that hadn't kissed him by a 1st or 2nd date (covid is part of it, but I'm also reserved to protect myself from things going further without commitment). I did let him hug me 3rd date but he said he wanted to hug longer. For me its hard because there's a lot of unanswered things, but I will not send him any messages or such. He can have his space with his new connection.
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Postby tokeless » Wed Aug 26, 2020 7:52 pm

If you had all the answers you seek, would it change anything? I suggest you just move on and maybe try dating live, as in in person and not digital. People can act a persona on line and maybe reality isn't his thing. It hurts but you'll heal without the answers.
Best wishes
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Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Wed Aug 26, 2020 8:15 pm

The man's vacation was to go meet this woman. Same as he met you online, he was talking with her at the same time. He went to meet the other woman and had a better connection with her than with you.

Why is he acting this way on social media?

A serious question, why do you want to know? Is this just a hobby? Is it just curiousity? Let's assume for a second that someone was able to give you an answer that was 100% accurate. What do you think that would do for you?

From an outside perspective, it seems like you are spending hours of time over a period of days/weeks monitoring and cataloging how this man uses social media. Why? What does it do for you?

If I were in your position I would ask myself what I am doing? I would be self-reflective and curious about my own behavior more than this man's behavior. I would be curious why I was so invested in monitoring this man's account and activities.
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