Sibling Experimentation

Postby uk1234 » Fri Oct 02, 2020 1:40 pm

Hi,

I have recently gone through a period of extended anxiety and physical symptoms doctors believe may be due to PTSD relating to the loss of a family member.

In this period I have constantly catastrophised and thought of the worse case scenario. I was told to read The Body Keeps Score and when I read a particular section out of nowhere became triggered by experiences of sibling sexual experimentation.

I would have been at the very most 13, likely much younger (I truly cannot recall) but have vague memories of experimenting with a younger sibling (3 years almost exactly).

I have no idea if I have manifested these, just as I did when I read symptoms about conditions I may have (I was convinced I had MS and HIV despite no objective concerns).

The very vague memories involve experimentation of primarily kissing but nothing advanced, and only a handful of times. I’m now racked with overwhelming guilt that I could have caused harm despite never remembering anything before or since. I have grown into a 30+ year old with no social or sexual issues or unusual desires, and my sibling is similarly unaffected - high performing, plenty of friends, healthy sexual relationships as far as I’m aware. We’re not close but have no issues outside of our shared bereavement. We’ve never discussed anything remotely related and have spent loads of time together, including nights out with shared friends.

Given I really need to address the PTSD of my lost family member, I need to understand if this were true would it be something awful and unforgivable?

I can’t bring it up with my sibling as I’m not sure if it’s true, and I also don’t want to potentially derail a happy life and cause a family even further pain.

I’m on a waiting list for therapy to deal with both, but in the meantime would appreciate feedback or reassurance that I’m not a monster and can focus on bereavement.

Thanks so much
uk1234
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Oct 02, 2020 3:49 pm

uk1234 wrote:I would have been at the very most 13, likely much younger (I truly cannot recall) but have vague memories of experimenting with a younger sibling (3 years almost exactly).

...in the meantime would appreciate feedback or reassurance that I’m not a monster and can focus on bereavement.


Amusing how consistently the threads on "sibling experimentation" are ALWAYS presented by the older of the two. It is never the younger sibling with memories of experimentation and asking if they are a monster.

Anyway...nope...you're not a monster. As outlined in every other thread on this exact same topic you are not a monster. Experimentation at a young age is normal. Again, normal.

And to preempt the inevitable reply, NO your case is not different, special, or otherwise an exception.

Good luck with therapy.
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#2

Postby uk1234 » Fri Oct 02, 2020 5:44 pm

Thanks for your response, I appreciate it. By amusing do you mean that it’s always older parties labeling it experimentation rather than abuse, or that younger parties less often worry so deeply about it generally?

I can’t speak for others but for me being the older party would be a massive part of the profound responsibility and shame I feel, even if I can’t work out in my mind if this is a true memory.

The idea I could potentially negatively impact a sibling’s life further down the line is truly haunting.

I am as confident as I can be without breaching the subject that if it did occur no long term damage was done, so I will try to understand that it can be normal and focus on dealing with the other more concrete demons I must face.

All the best
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