I'm rude and aggressive

Postby Guess what? » Fri Oct 09, 2020 12:45 am

I don't wanna be alone, but sure when im not in the right mood im very aggressive, and my friends dont deserve this. Also strangers dont deserve this.
Also i do not like new people sometimes, i feel like i can lose my spot (i can't tell if it happened in the past and so i am in a defensive mode) but i don't wanna look like the rude dude.

Mostly because then people won't recognize me as a severe leader (not that i wanna be like that), but as a poor, scared dog.. the ones you want to avoid.

Anyway it is not that im rude with strangers. Im not saying that.

Any tips to mantain the calm (without being passive aggressive)??
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#1

Postby Leo Volont » Fri Oct 09, 2020 3:07 am

Good Morning Mr. Guess What

What an intriguing post. Maybe you also have anger issues in which you hormonally go into fight or flight mode and act all ‘animal’ and scare friends and co-workers with threatening gestures and strings of curse words(if you do then go down and read my recent general Post about recommendation as to what to do about that). But here you tell us that you are just behaving with bad judgment and you even know it. Well, this is fixable. The process is easy but the execution takes a lot of time and dedication. Have you heard about “Cognitive Behavioral Therapy”? Well, actually “Rational Emotive Behavioral” therapy came first but it’s founder, Albert Ellis, in 1957, gave it a name that nobody could remember. So Aaron T. Beck came along a few years later in 1960 with a ‘new’ therapy that was practically the same thing and called it “Cognitive Behavioral Therapy” which caught on because people were able to glimpse the idea of the therapy just from its name. Anyway, Mr. Guess What, it would be nice for you to do a quick review of the Wikipedia articles on Albert Ellis, Aaron T. Beck and both Rational Emotive Behavioral and Cognitive Behavioral Therapies. Really, this is not psychotherapy and you don’t need a Doctor. In fact the advent of, well, let’s just call it Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, those insights set off the Age of Psychological Self Help Books. The basic idea is that with a lot of the mild personality disorders the problem is just a matter of bad habits in thinking and bad habits of behavior. The problem may be that most everybody has really bad role models in their formative years. If your father got mad every time anything went wrong then you will simply come to believe that it is part of the process of damage control to first blow up and make a big deal of it. Another father might just have habitually said quietly and with creased brow “dear me, I got my work cut out for me now”. That would have performed the same procedural step but be far more socially acceptable.

So one of the Tricks of Cognitive Behavior Therapy is REFLECT on your internal monologue and your assumptions about life and determine how much of that is just making things difficult for you, you know, like you are carrying around an internal “best friend” that is always trying to egg you on into trouble. You need to learn to dispute your own thinking. Another trick is to do the same thing for your behaviors, that is to REVIEW your behaviors and think about whether you could have handled anything better. Then take the time to internally REHEARSE exactly how you would have acted differently. Really, after I go out anywhere, when I come home, I set aside at least an hour to go over everything. So, yeah, Mr. Guess What, the problem is that you have to engage in Reflect, Review and Rehearse everyday, almost like violin practice, in order for it to actually start re-wiring your brain. My favorite Anger Management Author, Ronald Potter-Efron, wrote a book called “the Angry Brain” where he talks about neural plasticity and how the brain creates new neuron cells all the time (to replace the ones we lose when we binge drink). You see, the Brain will use the same neurons from an old habit to encode everything necessary for a new habit, but it just takes PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE. Potter-Efron says that you really need to put work into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for about six months before anything new starts to appear natural and sort of like a New You. That agrees with my own experience picking up new musical instruments or other new career skills.

SO, my recommendation would be to do searches for the kind of Self Help Books that you think would apply, you know, “How Not to Be Obnoxious and Hated By Everybody” (I actually tried that search thinking that it really should produce something, but almost nothing. SO, Mr. Guess What, you should spend the next three years living such a book and then write it yourself). I found with Anger Management that just reading for a half an hour a day would keep my head into the REFLECT, REVIEW and REHEARSE methodologies for slowly re-creating that new and better Me. What might get you started is Ronal Potter-Efron’s Anger-Lite books, you know, the one’s about irritability and mild annoying anger. There is also Positive Psychology whose founder is a narcissist named Martin Seligman, but the guy spent a few years being President of the American Psychological Association and so his colleagues were able to take the good of him and tolerate the bad. The only problem there is that the few people I’ve met who’ve gone full tilt into Positive Psychology seem as though their happiness is ankle deep shallow and their lives behind those big grinning smiles seem trivial. Saving the World and defending what is just and good is not always calculated to make one “happy”, but it does give a sense of purpose and makes one feel fulfilled and meaningful. But, yeah, if you aren’t really “Angry” then you should look at Positive Psychology too.

But, yes, Mr. Guess What, you are already really good at spotting your issues. You just need now to imagine and formulate new thinking and new behaviors to replace the one’s you are concerned about. Oh, and the feeling about being a phony goes away as the New You takes over from the old. After the 3rd year it’s not acting anymore.
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#2

Postby Candid » Fri Oct 09, 2020 1:58 pm

Guess what?, it would be hard for UF regulars not to remember you, with your avatar (I know you've said it's not you) projecting the hard-man image you apparently want. Mostly your older threads have been about problems getting laid, and you've had a lot of feedback from Richard, quietvoice (female) and me (also female).

This thread about your friends is more of the same, and the title you chose to offer says it all. You're rude and aggressive—but not here. Not with strangers, behind a screen—but in your real-life dealings with other people. (People includes women.)

I can't see what Leo's said because I don't want to (I've blocked his posts)—so I'll offer you this:
On January 18, 2019, Candid wrote:
Guess what? wrote:I don't care if someone thinks that it's offensive...

When it comes to relationship, as opposed to a business transaction or purchase, you give because you want to give... because it feels good. If it doesn't feel good to you, it won't feel good to the recipient, as your experiences with women have shown.

I can only advise that if it hurt you—and I'm aware this has happened more than once in your life—don't do it again.

I wanna know where i did wrong... i wanna see the finger pointing the exact moment where i did wrong...

I have been telling you where you keep going wrong, in all my posts on this thread (I'm really tired, viewtopic.php?t=107713&start=30). And what do you do in response? You tell me I'm wrong about you. And just as you did before, you'll continue to keep pushing the same button.

I get attached easily...

Since you're unable to grasp what I'm telling you about your 'romantic' efforts, I'm not going to get into your relationship with your mother... and that you're probably trying to put the cart before the horse.

everytime i'm the stupid, clubbed, dog that is suffering while girls probably is having fun.

I agree you're like "the stupid, clubbed dog" -- the one that can't be taught.


So yeah, I can't recall now what you said about your relationship with your mother—but you're not likely to gain much by "maintaining the calm" on the outside while you don't like people and are full of rage.

I know you're a sensitive soul under the hard-man image, but when you meet new people you're too scared to Be Yourself. Something early in life has taught you people will take advantage or hurt you if you express any genuine feelings. And on it goes, with every new contact, while the heart feels isolated alone. Nothing will change if giving of yourself is too hard.

I've probably suggested therapy before, and you've probably rejected the idea. If you'd like to go deeper here, I'm listening. Where did that "poor, scared dog.. the ones you want to avoid" feeling come from?
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#3

Postby Guess what? » Fri Oct 09, 2020 7:42 pm

Candid wrote:Guess what?, it would be hard for UF regulars not to remember you, with your avatar (I know you've said it's not you) projecting the hard-man image you apparently want. Mostly your older threads have been about problems getting laid, and you've had a lot of feedback from Richard, quietvoice (female) and me (also female).


Hi Candid, I'm glad that you remember me (and i remember you as well). Yeah, i can still confirm that my avatar is not me. Due the fact that i'm 24 years old right now, and i'm not bald,.. yet.
Anyway that guys is just an immaginary character that an italian youTuber uses for some funny video. He just makes me laugh, there's no reason about his look.

Looking at that posts I'm shocked, i was so angry and rude.. and it is what i'm complaining in this thread, but in the past looks like a different level, ahaha,

Speaking of my mother, she just scolded me an hour ago. Yeah, i'd say it is a really hard relationship. She is very nervous, angry, severe, racist and likes fashism; but somehow i still count on her (because i can), and my father shown affection when i was a child if i remember correctly, then he "vanished" in time. Anyway my mother was the one who yells decisions in the house, but still my father do things that make she hungry, like buying more hunting dogs, or pants for hunting.
This is my family situation, more or less.

That bitter reply about women happened in jan 18 2019... things with women didn't go any better since then. Ghosting and lost interest... one ghosted me for a date, and i just decided to do no talk to her anymore (because my past experience), and she looked for me with convintion.. only to ghost me once again. I'd say my thoughts about women didn't change.
I mean now i have a girlfriend. She just had a boyfriend in her life, and she isn't in good terms with her father (the whole family isn't.. her father is in another country right now); so i figure this is why she was so much into me in really few time. She cares way too much about me, like her whole life is depending on me.

I'm sorry that you blocked Leo's posts, even because I really like his help , and if i changed in better even a little bit, it is thanks to him
Oh, about "people do not want take advantage of hurting you".. well there is a guy with a problem. That kind of problem which he has to solve any math problems. So some people like to send pics of many phones, or with many hands, to see if he starts to count how many phone, hands (or fingers) are in the pics. Just to make fun of him... anyway he is kinda creepy not gonna lie. Sometimes he just stands somewhere staring at us without talking.

Leo Volont wrote:Good Morning Mr. Guess What


Hi Leo. I agree with this phrase:
The basic idea is that with a lot of the mild personality disorders the problem is just a matter of bad habits in thinking and bad habits of behavior.


It is what i thought about my problem. I just need to chill, care less, and be nice. Anger does not bring me results; not in a social life at least. Thanks for making me remember what i've almost forgotten.

Sorry for my bad english, guys. And thanks for your support
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#4

Postby Leo Volont » Sat Oct 10, 2020 9:43 am

Hi Candid, You tell Mr. Guess What to be himself. Well, he described himself and that is who he is and that is somebody with some real problems. He has enough sense to know that life would be better if he became somebody else and so that is where we can help him. Telling him to "be himself" is to ask him to be complacent and to settle in life for the conditionings that he received because of less than optimal role modeling from parents, who like most other parents, received no expert training in how to be exemplar parents, and probably from other sources of bad habits in thought and behavior as well. You know, Candid, the way it is for guys is that we all had to adapt to our peer groups in order to get along, and a lot of those guys were real dick heads. they are the ones who made us who we are, but we are not helpless. Our fates are not determined. We can and should change if changing makes us better human beings.
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#5

Postby Leo Volont » Sat Oct 10, 2020 9:54 am

Guess what? wrote:Sorry for my bad english, guys. And thanks for your support


Good Evening Mr. Guess What,

Actually your English is pretty good. Anything anybody writes can use editorial re-writes but who has the time, right?

Oh, I caught what you said to Candid about how you think that I have helped you. Well, I feel honored to have been of service. At my age I could die any minute now and as my life flashes before me I will recall that in helping you I did something to make the World just a little bit better.

But, yes, this time apply yourself and REALLY take my advice. As I said, it takes years, but now that I know you are just 24, well, you definitely have the time. Remember, Life doesn't begin until 40 and so you have 16 yet to make yourself into exactly who you want to be.
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#6

Postby Guess what? » Fri Oct 16, 2020 1:21 am

what should i do with those ones who respond in a rude way just to make laughs others?

it happened, more of one time, those people who just answer with a "shut the f**k up", or "if you have trouble with this, you are a retard" and others laughs cuz these dudes make irony with this kind of answers. i don't like these situations.
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#7

Postby Leo Volont » Fri Oct 16, 2020 11:05 am

Oh! I remember you now, Mr. Guess What. You had all those horrible friends, right? Well, if you can't break away from that low life crowd, you know, by going to college and rising above that class of people then, if you are a big guy then just kick anybody's butt who dares to be rude to you. but since they are rude to you, apparently they think you are the right size to be pushed around. Okay, that can be handled too. You wait until there are a lot of people in the room, with somebody you can trust, and when some particular low life that has been bothering you is rude to you there, well, take it to a fight even if you are going to lose. In fact you WANT to lose the fight, because then it is settled (winning a fight always puts your group status in flux and so it will take another fight with the next guy up to settle your spot. Fights don't stop until you lose to somebody and so it is good to lose your fight sooner than later. But you also want somebody to step in and stop the fight before you get killed. You see, if nobody steps in to stop the fight then you are supposed to keep getting up again and again until you do fight yourself to death. SO you need to be a good judge of character. Start a fight if there is some responsible none low life adult in the room who will break up the darn thing. That way you show that you are a man and the guy that was leaning on you will probably be more accepting of you afterwards. It is a guy thing. Some guys use aggression to bond. In gangs the usual form of initiation is to pick a fight into the gang. There being rude to you might in fact be an invitation into their gang, and fighting would be your ticket it, especially if you lose. The problem with that is that you are Bonding with Lowlifes. That will really make you one of the gang. That is an accomplishment you can be proud of, huh? Why don't you save your money (it costs a lot of money to run around at night getting into the trouble you are getting into) and go to college. If you are not ready for college then stay at home and study to prepare yourself. Everybody sucks at math so you can study math. College is easy. The only stumbling block that gets everybody is math (though people flunk out just because they don't bother to study the easy stuff... just because stuff is easy doesn't mean that you don't have to remember about 50 different definitions before taking a test. Easy stuff can be very time consuming). Text books are expensive, but you can go online and find a Textbook where you are able to look at the table of contents. Copy that and then you can use it search up videos or written articles on each topic. But, my point here is that you can adapt your life to fit in with your low life friends, or you can set your course to rise above that crap. Guess which way I'd go?
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#8

Postby Guess what? » Fri Oct 16, 2020 11:32 pm

Oh no, i dont wanna get involved in any fight ahahaha.

Also i cutted out of my life those guys you are talking about, i was making the example due to some group of guys that a friend of mine added in our group.
I dont like them
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#9

Postby Candid » Sat Oct 17, 2020 9:27 am

It's okay for you not to like someone, and it's more than okay for you to stay away from people who insult you!
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#10

Postby Leo Volont » Wed Oct 21, 2020 7:55 am

Guess what? wrote:Oh no, i dont wanna get involved in any fight ahahaha.

Also i cutted out of my life those guys you are talking about, i was making the example due to some group of guys that a friend of mine added in our group.
I dont like them


Good Afternoon Mr. What,

If most of the group is okay and there are only a few people you hate (and they probably hate you too), well, that is why Civilization came up with the inventions of politeness and civility. Be polite and civil to them for the sake of the others. If necessary, if the others 'make scenes' with you that make your good friends feel uncomfortable, take your enemies aside and explain to them how it would be better to just live in a state of truce because all your other friends don't need any extra drama. Agree to just leave each other alone. Go into any social gathering and you can spot the number of people who are staying away from each other. It's one of those things that make the World go round.
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#11

Postby bawdyheated » Mon Nov 16, 2020 5:06 am

Candid wrote:It's okay for you not to like someone, and it's more than okay for you to stay away from people who insult you!


I totally agree! But you also have to learn to know when to and not respond.
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#12

Postby Candid » Mon Nov 16, 2020 6:25 am

It obviously gets easier with practice. I know in my 20s I seemed to be spending at least as much time with people who hurt my feelings as with people whose company I enjoyed. It's a different story now. After all, there are so many people in the world!

I suspect Guess what? is the one in his crowd who others love to tease, not realising it hurts him.
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#13

Postby Alpha90 » Tue Nov 24, 2020 3:03 am

I understand how you felt, try to learn to recognize the behavior, check your perceptions, confront it, and create a safe space to communicate in more assertive ways.
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#14

Postby Leo Volont » Fri Nov 27, 2020 11:41 am

Alpha90 wrote:I understand how you felt, try to learn to recognize the behavior, check your perceptions, confront it, and create a safe space to communicate in more assertive ways.


Yeah, your name would be Alpha, wouldn't it. I've been re-reading Aaron Beck's "Prisoners of Hate: The Cognitive Basis of Anger". You probably already know that Aaron Beck, a Psychologist, is the Founder of the Cognitive Behavior School of Therapy. Anyway, just this morning I got into a chapter which talked about how we have both a Self Image and a Social Image. Well, Alpha, people who have Anger Management issues really have a terrible problem with their Social Images. If we could socially get away with being loud, confrontational and obnoxious then there wouldn't be any issue, right? Look at people from the Bronx or Hoboken where being loud, confrontational and obnoxious are actually normal. That's where you can go if you are pushing Assertiveness Training as a kind of finishing school, otherwise reserve all that assertiveness for, well, people who make a living out of exploiting and manipulating others. You see, if you you are focusing on your Social Image, which is what Anger Management people need to concentrate on the most, then you want to go easy on being assertive. You would rather be well liked then to twist arms and make people admit you're right and they're wrong. Look at all the heat that people cause in the workplace with unsolicited friction, when actually the only point of going to work is get paid. Not making waves is a virtue. The job is only the job. Let the Boss worry about stuff. That's his job. Criticizing co-workers only serves to make their day miserable and yourself disliked. The same goes for relationships. Smile. Nod your head. Say stuff like "yeah, that's what I was thinking". That's what people like. That is how we get a really cool Social Image. Or we can be assertive and let everybody know how right you are and how stupid they are. In what universe do you think that is appreciated. But, yeah, that's my point: Assertive People are only thinking about Self Image. Assertive People need to prove something to themselves. That's smart, making your own Self Respect conditional. So you think you aren't good enough to be yourself unless you conquer your Workplace, and turn your friends, lovers and family into slaves? Yeah, I know that the World sort of revolves around us as an individual, so Self Image would be our first reference point, but that is SO surface. We are not children. We are allowed to think and reflect. Life can be easy or life can be very difficult. By getting along well with others the quality of our lives can go up. Assertiveness, well, okay, if you are basically a loner and you want to exploit people, lie to people, sell stuff to people, and go home at night to a spouse who doesn't mind being pushed around, then fine. But, otherwise, well, I wish people who come to the Anger Management Forum would have some respect in regards to what we are trying to do here. You wouldn't go to an Alcoholics Anonymous Meeting and tell them what they really need to do is relax and have a nice stiff drink would you?
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