Casanova Complex

Postby Shinobi149 » Tue Oct 13, 2020 9:04 am

Hi everyone, I am new to the forum and I've had this problem for quite a while now and I'm not sure where to start so here it goes.
I have no self esteem, I think very low of myself and I just can't stand myself most of the time. I tend to put those I care about or want to see happy before myself. I go the extra mile all the time and jump thru hoops to make those people happy.

When I'm in a relationship, I'm the best partner I can be! Constantly doing things for that person with no stop because it makes me feel good. I have been doing this my whole life and didn't have a problem with it, even if that person left my life I'm ok with it. As long as they got something positive from me I was happy. Now here's where it starts to get screwy.

When I was younger and in a relationship, I felt bad when a girl would tell me they liked me or were in love with me, stuff around those lines, and I had to break the news to them I was in a relationship still. And I've been one woman man for a long time. Fast forward to now.

When I'm not in a relationship, it's not like I'm out trying to "score" I know that's a common thing with men but it's not like that. Truth be told I like kissing over sex, and just the physical aspect of being with and there for that person. Idk but I just do. And when a girl and I hit it off we'll kiss and just have a wonderful night together and I'm able to salvage it before it goes any further. Sometimes we continue to see each other but I get to take them out and treat them and see them smile and have fun. And sometimes I'm doing that with multiple women without being exclusive with anyone. And 90% of the time it does not lead to sex.

But I know that's wrong because that can mislead them into thinking there maybe a life together beyond that night. And sometimes there is, and I choose to go steady with one woman. But then I feel bad about all the other ones. Like I said sometimes I'm able to turn it into a friendship and have it not go beyond anything pass kissing. Then I'm with that one woman, going steady now for a while until I see another girl who is just not having a good time and she looks like she hasn't smiled in a year.

So I start talking to her, make a new friend and then we'll kiss and I feel so guilty about it, as I should, and I end up hurting two women in the process. And I hate to admit it but there have been times it goes beyond kissing and for that I hate myself even more. And the most screwed up part of all of this is I can't seem to stop and I don't know why.

Now some of you might say, it's a typical guy thing and I'm just a player, but I don't feel like a player. I feel like a jerk and that's putting it lightly since there's no cursing in this forum. I don't brag about women ive hooked up with or anything like that and I never kiss and tell. And I genuinely feel bad for the pain I cause everyone, which is another reason why I try hard to not sleep with anyone but lust and temptation seem to just get the best of me Everytime.

I feel so bad about it all and I keep telling myself I'm doing more harm than good here, but I just can't seem to stop. I've never been the type to sleep with someone and just walk away unharmed, it doesn't work that way for me. If it did I wouldn't be posting on here. I just don't know what to do anymore.

I want to go that extra mile in making people just smile and have a good time, with nothing expected in return. I want to make them feel good about themselves because maybe it'll help them. But sometimes they fall for me and i just made it worse. I really want to just stop and not do this anymore. But idk what internal thing that causes me to do this or why I act this way. I know I'll get the typical hate comments but if there's anyone that can even begin to see it from where I'm standing or has some good advice or diagnosis it'd be greatly appreciated.

Thank you for all who took the time to read this and God bless.
Shinobi149
New Member
 
Posts: 4
Joined: Tue Oct 13, 2020 8:36 am
Likes Received: 0


#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Tue Oct 13, 2020 4:58 pm

Shinobi149 wrote: I want to go that extra mile in making people just smile and have a good time, with nothing expected in return.


The above quote is where you are fooling yourself.

Your post is about kissing, kissing, and more kissing...because YOU LIKE IT. That is something "expected" and that you actively pursue. It isn't a selfless gesture. It isn't being gracious and helping them out.

There are literally 100's of ways to go the extra mile and make "people" smile and have a good time with no physical affection involved. But you have created an imaginary, artificial boundary of "kissing" as what you think they need to bring them happiness, but not sex.

What I think might help is for you to reframe how you think about kissing. It isn't selfishly "going the extra mile" to make another person smile. Stop telling yourself that. Stop convincing yourself that you are just doing this for the benefit of the woman and that your kiss is the prescription.
Richard@DecisionSkills
MVP
MVP
 
Posts: 11031
Joined: Sat Dec 08, 2012 2:25 am
Likes Received: 1155

#2

Postby Shinobi149 » Tue Oct 13, 2020 7:21 pm

Thank you for the feedback. A lot of what you're saying makes sense. However I still do not expect a kiss or any kind of affection. Do I like it? Of course I do but I don't expect it. But I get where you're coming from. Because I like it, I'm not going out of my way to try and stop it and that's a problem. Thank you I appreciate the help.
Shinobi149
New Member
 
Posts: 4
Joined: Tue Oct 13, 2020 8:36 am
Likes Received: 0

#3

Postby dav1307 » Wed Oct 14, 2020 4:52 am

Try to be aware of those moments and situations where you are leading it into the girl being hurt. I bet you'll be able to tell when you are doing it.

Because once we realize how much the other person gets hurt, then we understand our behavior and don't want to do it again.

That's what happened with me. I'm not as "natural" as you, from how you describe it. But I spent several years doing "casual dating." There were some girls I hurt. I never lied and said that I wanted a monogamous relationship. But I could see with some of the girls that they started to develop feelings, and I knew I didn't have those same feelings. I would continue seeing them, and then basically once the girl had developed feelings for me, I had gone the opposite direction internally and then I'd stop seeing her.

So it was a weird psychological thing I was doing. Once I became aware of it (and got tired of casual dating because it became meaningless for me), then I stopped things way sooner with certain girls. They were pissed too, but it was way better than leading them on further down the road.

I see myself as a good person, and I don't want to hurt someone like that. It's not worth it anymore "just to get laid."

I know it doesn't exactly relate to your situation, but maybe this helps.
dav1307
MVP
MVP
 
Posts: 2457
Joined: Sun May 15, 2005 12:32 am
Location: USA
Likes Received: 3

#4

Postby dav1307 » Wed Oct 14, 2020 4:57 am

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:
What I think might help is for you to reframe how you think about kissing. It isn't selfishly "going the extra mile" to make another person smile. Stop telling yourself that. Stop convincing yourself that you are just doing this for the benefit of the woman and that your kiss is the prescription.


The thing is, I bet these women ARE really enjoying these "kissing" experiences too. The OP may be doing is selfishly, but it sounds like it is really resonating with these women too.
dav1307
MVP
MVP
 
Posts: 2457
Joined: Sun May 15, 2005 12:32 am
Location: USA
Likes Received: 3

#5

Postby Shinobi149 » Wed Oct 14, 2020 5:21 am

David 1307,

Thank you. A lot of that does help greatly. The little feedback ive been getting off here and elsewhere I feel like it's a start. My takeaway so far is, there is no excuse for my behavior. And maybe it's just me trying to convince myself I am a good person with good intentions to try and justify what I'm doing. But that's just wrong. There is no justifying it. Although I can't seem to explain everything a 100% accurately, the final point of it all is, there is no good in what I'm doing. No matter how much I can or can't explain. And maybe it's past relationships that scarred me and messed up my thought process along the way, idk, but even if it was, there's still no excuse. Thanks guys.
Shinobi149
New Member
 
Posts: 4
Joined: Tue Oct 13, 2020 8:36 am
Likes Received: 0

#6

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Wed Oct 14, 2020 2:48 pm

dav1307 wrote: The thing is, I bet these women ARE really enjoying these "kissing" experiences too. The OP may be doing is selfishly, but it sounds like it is really resonating with these women too.


I agree. My point was not to say they do not enjoy a kiss. My point is that Shinobi is trying to frame it as doing it as some selfless act with no expectation of anything in return. Shinobi frames his behavior as passive, but this is not the case. Shinobi is actively seeking to engage with specific women with the intention of getting a kiss.

Think about it as a man with a foot fetish. He targets women he finds physically appealing that appear to "need a smile". He doesn't strike up a conversation with men that seem a bit exhausted or the old lady. And the women do not approach him. They are not thinking, "I could use a foot massage and that guy over there seems attractive and I would like him to give me a massage."

In other words, the man is the active pursuer. The man goes out with the intention of finding a woman that he would enjoy giving a foot massage. The man selects particular women to strike up a conversation with the hidden agenda of getting them to agree to a foot massage. If it leads to something more, so be it.

Now this fairly common. Men go out to engage in conversation with the intention of having some sort of physical interaction with a woman. And women are not oblivious that when a man approaches it isn't to ask about the weather. For Shinobi it's a kiss. For other men, it is other things. If the woman says no to the kiss or no to the foot massage, no big deal. Right? And if they agree to the kiss or the foot massage, then they "ARE really enjoying" these experiences too. They said yes.

The ethical issue is not whether or not the woman enjoys the foot massage. It is the idea that you might hurt her. How so? After all, she agreed to the foot massage.

You might hurt her, because you know as you approach that your intentions are less than selfless. You have rationalized that you are being so kind, offering a tired woman a foot massage to put a smile on her face. But, the truth is that it is all about you treating her like a physical object first and a person second.

You know she might misinterpret your advances. You know she might think that you really like her. You know she might think when you offer to give her a foot massage that it is because you have had a short conversation and have decided you really like her personality and see this relationship developing into something more.

Shinobi would not have posted if he didn't realize something about his "selfless" image is not quite accurate. He realizes he is potentially hurting women with this "she needs a smile" routine. It's admirable to be open to addressing the issue.
Richard@DecisionSkills
MVP
MVP
 
Posts: 11031
Joined: Sat Dec 08, 2012 2:25 am
Likes Received: 1155

#7

Postby Chad Capote » Mon Oct 19, 2020 1:14 pm

Shinobi149 wrote:I have no self esteem, I think very low of myself and I just can't stand myself most of the time. I tend to put those I care about or want to see happy before myself. I go the extra mile all the time and jump thru hoops to make those people happy.

This opening bit actually has nothing to with what is to follow. This is honestly deceiving xD
Chad Capote
Junior Member
 
Posts: 54
Joined: Thu Aug 30, 2018 11:00 am
Likes Received: 4

#8

Postby Chad Capote » Mon Oct 19, 2020 1:22 pm

Shinobi149 wrote:When I'm not in a relationship, it's not like I'm out trying to "score" I know that's a common thing with men but it's not like that. Truth be told I like kissing over sex, and just the physical aspect of being with and there for that person. Idk but I just do. And when a girl and I hit it off we'll kiss and just have a wonderful night together and I'm able to salvage it before it goes any further. Sometimes we continue to see each other but I get to take them out and treat them and see them smile and have fun. And sometimes I'm doing that with multiple women without being exclusive with anyone. And 90% of the time it does not lead to sex.

But I know that's wrong because that can mislead them into thinking there maybe a life together beyond that night. And sometimes there is, and I choose to go steady with one woman. But then I feel bad about all the other ones. Like I said sometimes I'm able to turn it into a friendship and have it not go beyond anything pass kissing. Then I'm with that one woman, going steady now for a while until I see another girl who is just not having a good time and she looks like she hasn't smiled in a year.

So I start talking to her, make a new friend and then we'll kiss and I feel so guilty about it, as I should, and I end up hurting two women in the process. And I hate to admit it but there have been times it goes beyond kissing and for that I hate myself even more. And the most screwed up part of all of this is I can't seem to stop and I don't know why.

Now some of you might say, it's a typical guy thing and I'm just a player, but I don't feel like a player. I feel like a jerk and that's putting it lightly since there's no cursing in this forum. I don't brag about women ive hooked up with or anything like that and I never kiss and tell. And I genuinely feel bad for the pain I cause everyone, which is another reason why I try hard to not sleep with anyone but lust and temptation seem to just get the best of me Everytime.

I feel so bad about it all and I keep telling myself I'm doing more harm than good here, but I just can't seem to stop. I've never been the type to sleep with someone and just walk away unharmed, it doesn't work that way for me. If it did I wouldn't be posting on here. I just don't know what to do anymore.


It depends. Decide what you wanna do. Because if you prefer to love many instead of one (for the greater good), so be it, absolutely nothing wrong. Just be honest and open with the women you engage with (if they are kinda serious. If both interacting parties know it's a one-off thing then nothing like it). This mustn't be a complex issue. Try to spend some time introspecting asking what you want. If you strongly feel you've to go a certain way, then work towards it or hit the forum again. If you can never make a decision, I say just go with the flow. Your life seems fine to me
Chad Capote
Junior Member
 
Posts: 54
Joined: Thu Aug 30, 2018 11:00 am
Likes Received: 4

#9

Postby bawdyheated » Thu Nov 05, 2020 4:56 am

Good luck to you and I wish you all the best bud.
bawdyheated
Junior Member
 
Posts: 38
Joined: Thu Dec 05, 2013 5:26 am
Likes Received: 2



Return to Psychology