Cycled bad behavior??

Postby diavolonox » Sun Nov 08, 2020 10:41 pm

I was wondering if anyone could give even some slight insight on an on-going issue in my home. I just dont know where to look.
This is about my boyfriend. We've been together about 10 months, we just moved in together. We're both in our 30s.
He refuses to even speak about psychology/mental health/seeing a therapist or psychologist. It makes him angry and I don't know where to look for information.

So my boyfriend is not diagnosed with anything but there is something off, big time.

One thing I noticed is he tends to run on a cycle that works like CLOCK WORK. Every month, at the same time every month, he goes into this maniac spiral where he's in attack/defense mode. EVERYTHING is a problem. He's either accusing me of anything he can possibly find or he's jumping to angrily defend himself over literally anything that comes out of my mouth--whether it's directed at him or not. He'll take offense to anything during this time. Even compliments! He starts vicious fights over the smallest most insignifcant things that he won't drop for DAYS. Then it stops suddenly and he's usually "sorry" and then totally fine for the rest of the month.

It starts over again like a cycle every. single. month. Ive taken account of it for the last FIVE months in a row. It's literally clock work, it freaks me out how accurate it is. Is this a thing? Could this be a sign of something? I know cycles like that are signs of BPD, but I dont *think* the rest of that profile fits him. Also, It seems that he only directs it AT ME. He can be totally normal with everyone else outside of the house during this time (work, friends, etc)

There is much more than what I explained but this is the one thing really that makes me think it could be an actual "disorder". Also, during these times hes very awkward with affection, doesn't seem to want it or want to give it. He makes it a game sometimes to try and get out of cuddling or giving me a kiss, for example. Then after this time is over, never more than a few days, hes EXTREMELY needy and super affectionate.

Any information anyone with experience could give me on this behavior?
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#1

Postby Candid » Mon Nov 09, 2020 9:10 am

diavolonox wrote:Also, It seems that he only directs it AT ME. He can be totally normal with everyone else outside of the house during this time (work, friends, etc)

I'm afraid this what happens when you move in with someone. In a way it's a good thing, because it means he trusts you enough to be able to behave badly, knowing you won't leave. I suspect he has to put on a braver face when he sees people who might get nasty or simply get out of his life.

during these times hes very awkward with affection, doesn't seem to want it or want to give it. He makes it a game sometimes to try and get out of cuddling or giving me a kiss, for example. Then after this time is over, never more than a few days, hes EXTREMELY needy and super affectionate.

I know it's instinctive to hug someone you love when they're feeling down, but it really is better (if you can manage it) to stand back, go on doing what you normally do but give him space. Wait until he gets through the bad patch and comes to you.

Everything you've written about your partner could be applied to me. My husband knows to back off. It probably helps that he goes through cycles as well.

This could be way off the mark (because of limited information in your post) but you may want to consider Complex PTSD. You can read about it here: https://www.outofthestorm.website/cptsd-description
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#2

Postby diavolonox » Tue Nov 10, 2020 4:14 am

This has been happening since before we moved in together. There is more to his behavior than this, this is just the behavior that seems to work on a cycle like clock work. I have definitely learned to work around him during this time. But it still catches me off guard every so often and then I step back and realize what's happening. I have learned to give him his space and not to take it personal. In regular times when he is not in this manic episode, there are still a lot of things about the way he thinks and functions that make me question if maybe there is something deeper going on. He can either be very loud and goofy, or he's the polar opposite. And its usually one or the other, all day. I can tell when he wakes up in the morning what kind of day it will be. Either he's leaping all over me all day or he's speaking monotone with a dead look in his eyes and silently reading a book in the corner in complete silence for 8 hours. His behaviors are very...extreme, I guess? He also majorly lacks empathy (yet requires a LOT of it) His form of empathy is through obligation. He feels obligated to hear me out or help me with something, etc. because its what hes "supposed" to do. Not because he understands or feels the need to want to help. I had a lot of really traumatic things happen to me this last year and he had a LOT of trouble being there for me even a little bit. It was almost like it made him angry and he would want to turn the subject to focus on himself. When speaking about it to him, he said he views it as me "feeling sorry for myself instead of trying to move on". For some insight on how deep the subjects were, my father, who i was very close to, had just passed away. This type of behavior is not uncommon, this is what goes on in his head on a regular basis.  When he says things like that, you can tell he's not trying to be purposely be mean, he actually thinks this way. But meeting him and being his friend, you would NEVER know any of this. He's great at masking for others because he NEEDS everyone around him to think that he's the smartest, coolest, calmest, most put together, trustworthy, generous, caring, best buddy in the world. Even though, besides the smart part, this is pretty much the opposite of who he is. I could really go on forever about his odd behaviors. He has had a LOT of childhood trauma. A lot of abandonment and rejection issues from both his parents. Especially his mother, who sounds like she was a complete narcissist.Thank you for the information, I'm definitely going to read up on it. I have considered forms of PTSD playing a part in it. 
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#3

Postby Candid » Tue Nov 10, 2020 7:20 am

diavolonox wrote:He's great at masking for others because he NEEDS everyone around him to think that he's the smartest, coolest, calmest, most put together, trustworthy, generous, caring, best buddy in the world. Even though, besides the smart part, this is pretty much the opposite of who he is.

Now I'm wondering why you moved in with him!

He has had a LOT of childhood trauma. A lot of abandonment and rejection issues from both his parents. Especially his mother, who sounds like she was a complete narcissist.

Then he almost certainly has Complex PTSD.
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#4

Postby tokeless » Tue Nov 10, 2020 7:30 am

I guess my question is do you want to stay and accept all this? Even if you nail a diagnosis, would he want to go in to therapy/treatment when he will have to address his past? What are you getting from this relationship because from what I've read it's egg shells each day until you work out how he's feeling.
My advice is think long and hard
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#5

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Tue Nov 10, 2020 5:44 pm

diavolonox wrote:This has been happening since before we moved in together.


Yet you moved in together.

You want to "fix" him, when what really needs to happen is focusing on your need to fix another person.

A common response is that a person can work on themselves and the person they love at the same time. That is false. It is false for one simple reason. Once you figure out your own problems you will no longer see him in the same way. You will recognize that moving in with a person you need to fix was unhealthy.
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#6

Postby diavolonox » Tue Nov 10, 2020 10:40 pm

Hm, I don't think I that I have a need to fix him as much as it is that I love him very much and I try to work with and around his mental health needs. He does recognize there is something off but he is still in denial about it a lot of times. He swings back and forth. He has moments where he will say, "I see this. I know. Im trying." I guess I'm just trying to understand how he works. I do feel an attachment in the sense that I feel sorry for him that everyone in his life has abandon him at one point or another. It definitely makes me feel like I want to stay, show him love, and that not everyone leaves, because it's not something that he has really experienced before (and no, its not the only reason I stay) That might be a type of savior mentality, but I fully know that he needs to work on HIMSELF and that I cannot fix what's wrong with him. I guess im trying to figure out for myself what exactly is going on enough to the point where I can know if this is something that I can live with or not. I truly believe he has an undiagnosed personality disorder or something similar.
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#7

Postby diavolonox » Tue Nov 10, 2020 10:58 pm

tokeless wrote:I guess my question is do you want to stay and accept all this? Even if you nail a diagnosis, would he want to go in to therapy/treatment when he will have to address his past? What are you getting from this relationship because from what I've read it's egg shells each day until you work out how he's feeling.
My advice is think long and hard


Yeah, I guess thats why I'm reaching out. I need to figure out for myself if I can accept the person he is and live with it. I am a very calm, patient, loving, and understanding person. Which is probably why he is so drawn to me. But it DOES put a stress on my life when he is mood swinging or having episodes. Sometimes no matter how calm I am, he will keep acting frantic, yelling, etc.Those moments are hard and stressful. He is coming off a 3 day melt down right now, actually. He started the other morning by having a melt down over breakfast eggs. It's continued in very hard up and down waves since then. He even called me up after he left for work that day to continue yelling about the rest of his morning frustration (he does this often when he's having these episodes) I sat on the other end listening and tried saying, "I hear what you're saying. Can we talk and not yell?" Which sometimes is met with him trying to speak calmer and sometimes its met with him continuing to yell and getting very angry that I ask him to please not yell so that we can communicate better. Although there is truly nothing to yell or be upset over, he will continue to melt down. It reminds me of a 4 year old throwing a fit over a candy bar at a grocery store. It's usually never a big deal and aimed at me even though it had little to nothing to do with me..just because I was in the room and didn't stop or possibly help with whatever was going on, for example. I can see today that its starting to subside and he's feeling more normal and in a better mood.
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#8

Postby tokeless » Tue Nov 10, 2020 11:31 pm

Hi,
I think you're enabling him to some degree without realising it. I don't mean that to sound critical but you are trying to be his counter balance and this doesn't put any boundaries on his behaviour towards you. He can act anyway he wants Can't he? Nowhere in your post do you tell him no, don't talk to me like that etc etc... You said yourself he is fine with others yet not with you. So, he can control it when he needs to, yet makes out he's got no control with you?? I would suggest you tell him even though you love him and would like to be with him, he needs to get some help without you, so he can focus on getting better. Only then would you consider a relationship. By all means be a support but you can't live with him too. He wont change if you don't and that's why I think you indulge him but think you're trying to help him.
If he was an addict and you bought him drugs so he didn't have to offend and risk prison, would you be helping or aiding? Your intention is genuine but the outcome is no change.
I wish you both well but he won't address his issues with you there.
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#9

Postby Candid » Wed Nov 11, 2020 7:38 am

diavolonox wrote:I guess im trying to figure out for myself what exactly is going on enough to the point where I can know if this is something that I can live with or not. I truly believe he has an undiagnosed personality disorder or something similar.

Here's an interesting quote from Pete Walker:
In my experience, many clients with Complex PTSD have been misdiagnosed with various anxiety and depressive disorders, as well as bipolar, narcissistic, codependent and borderline disorders.
This is not to say that those so diagnosed do not have issues that are similar and correlative with said disorders, but that these labels are incomplete and unnecessarily shaming descriptions of what the client is afflicted with.
http://www.pete-walker.com/fAQsComplexPTSD.html
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