I can't keep friends.

Postby Noname Girl » Mon Nov 23, 2020 7:31 pm

You'll probably think I'm a dislikeable reading this.
I've always found that people usually end up being abusive to me in some way.

I've had very few romantic relationships and have spend most of my adult life single. I was abused growing up by my mother and I have flip flopped between being too kind to others (which led me to be raped in one occasion) and being too guarded.

I'm 40 now. I feel so alone. There's only one person in my life I feel hadn't ever overstepped my boundaries and he's an incredibly easy going pacifist and probably tollerates me to be kind.

I'm close to finishing a PhD but being from a very working class background I attract people who aren't as bookish. It feels like they like the idea of a clever freind but not the reality. I'm accused of being snobbish, a know it all, looking down on people - when I genuinely try and mitigate for these things. I really have an incredibly slow self esteem but I'm a stickler for facts and truth. My professional integrity means a lot. My brain is all I feel I have going for me.

It really wears me out when I can tell people just love proving me wrong or getting one over in me to feed thier own ego.

I'm clinically vulnerable to Covid-19 and having anxit too I've been scared to leave the house for 8 months. I make a trip to the shops about once a month.
I miss my one friend dearly. I miss having coffees with people. But I'm starting to see how cruel and heartless the world is. Everyone seems to be hyper agressive.
I just don't feel like I fit in the world anymore and I've kinda got to like the isolation but also I'm so damn lonely.

Also health issues have meant that what's should have been a 5year part time PhD (from 31-36 y/o) is now going to take me into my 9th year (31-40) so I've had my child bearing years robbed by clinical negligence I can't claim for (complicated story) and my friends suicide which out me into a state of PTSD.
Just as I reach the end of my PhD I've got to chose - career or IVF. Either waste the last 9 years of sacrifice, or sacrifice being a mother. And even if I do chose motherhood I've got no choice but to go it alone.

I've had such a cursed life I don't know how I've made it this far. But every set back gets harder.

Ti make it worse my landlord is threatening to kick me out because I had the audacity to ask for an emergency gas engineer to come out because I'm T1 diabetic. He told me I did his head in and brought it on myself (the carbon monoxide alarm had gone off so I called the emergency services). Naturally I got upset about that. I called him a ride name and out the phone down. Now he's saying he won't renew my tannact but equally won't serve a formal eviction notice - a) because he has no grounds and b) because it will help me get social housing.

Why is my life such a mess?
I have always tried to help others. But mostly I experience people trying to take advantage of me.
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#1

Postby Candid » Tue Nov 24, 2020 7:57 am

Your history is eerily similar to my own,

I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD at the age of 56, and finally I knew what was wrong with me. As it turned out, nothing. But there was a lot wrong with my mother, as there was with yours.

The primal relationship becomes the pattern of all later relationships. You're constantly placating, being the doormat. People come to you for major favours, and you'll willingly do harm to yourself to help; then in your hearing they thank someone else for seeing them through a rough patch—and start distancing themselves from you. That kind of thing.

There's NOTHING wrong with you, Noname Girl, except that your mother rejected you from the start.

Have a look at www.pete-walker.com and if the cap fits, go on to https://www.outofthestorm.website/

The way 2020 is shaping up I would definitely not choose to bring a new person into the world, but that's me. The PhD will serve you all your life.
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#2

Postby Noname Girl » Tue Nov 24, 2020 1:47 pm

Thank you Candid.

That sounds so familiar. But I get scared always claiming victimhood because I'll get branded a covert narcissist. 'always playing victim'.
But I genuinely have been a victim so many times. When I try and stand up for myself I'm called agressive and that causes problems too. My old boss honestly used to claim that if someone is defensive or agressive when accuses of something that means guilt. It's quite literally the ippost and unused to get so upset with the constant accusations and petty things I'd get called into the office for. But never praise for the constant mess I'd mop up for them (she was threatened - they always are and I'm always kept from the higher management because they don't want me to be seen in my true capable light. I always get my wings clipped and it drives me mad)

I'm desperate for a baby because I'm so scared of being lonely and unloved forever. I'm scared that the hard work I've put into my education will be for nothing without a legacy.

What you say about putting overs first as the expense of myself is so bang on. Even my PhD was originally for someone else. Until he chose the week after the suicide to tear strips off me for what I can only figure out was not worshiping him enough and saying the word suicide in his house (serious guru complex, but I feel for it because he represented calm and happiness and family life to me). After that relationship broke down I lost all motivation on the thesis but have battled on. I'm so close now. I will definitely finish but it's the getting a job after part that worries me about pregnancy. I could potentially be self employed but that's never easy.

I'm scared of the depression that will come if I don't fall pregnant to be honest. But I see your point. The virus will go away but humanity has changed. I see it so very split now. There's a lot more cruelty. I struggle daily with social media. Going in to connect but there's always a barbed comment or outright insult somewhere for you to find.

Thank you for those links. I'll definitely check them out.
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#3

Postby Candid » Tue Nov 24, 2020 2:24 pm

Noname Girl wrote:I get scared always claiming victimhood because I'll get branded a covert narcissist. 'always playing victim'.

Me too. Been said to my face, exactly those words, by at least two people who are still "friends".

I genuinely have been a victim so many times.

Have a look at the state I was in when I signed up here! viewtopic.php?t=60580 That was two years before I was diagnosed with C-PTSD.

When I try and stand up for myself I'm called agressive

To me it feels more like I can be a doormat only so long, then I get good and mad and go too far.

I had some awful stuff in my working life, but overall those were my best years. I'm reluctantly retired, you see.

One place I worked at, actually the best gig I ever had, the boss in my farewell speech said if something horrendous came in late on a Friday he knew he could give it to me, listen to me complain for a minute or so, then I'd put my head down and get it done while the rest of the team were free to go.

He intended to be flattering. He couldn't possibly know how it felt to have the others whooping around me because it was almost knock-off time on a Friday, while I was beavering away and struggling to concentrate because of the chatter about what they were all going to be doing. Naturally I myself was headed for two days Home Alone.

I'm desperate for a baby because I'm so scared of being lonely and unloved forever.

Sweetheart, that's a really bad motive. I urge you not to do it unless and until you love and are loved by the offspring's prospective father.

I'm scared that the hard work I've put into my education will be for nothing without a legacy.

And I think enjoyment and satisfaction in a career are better than anything. That's your real gift to the world: the work you choose to do.

Conversely, if you were to have a baby odds are its neediness would trigger you and you'd raise someone who feels even worse than you do.

After that relationship broke down I lost all motivation on the thesis but have battled on. I'm so close now. I will definitely finish

Good. The odd PhD under your belt never goes astray!

The virus will go away...

I'm of a different opinion. I've been called a conspiracy theorist on this forum. I don't believe the mythical virus was ever intended to go away; I also believe we're going to be in and out of lockdowns until the global population is way down. https://www.lewrockwell.com/2020/10/mar ... -10-years/
Heil Hitler!

So... really not a good time to make a baby.

Anyway, do have a look at Pete Walker, especially What may I have been misdiagnosed with? http://www.pete-walker.com/fAQsComplexPTSD.html
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#4

Postby HumanB » Wed Nov 25, 2020 2:03 am

-Why is my life such a mess?

This was your question but it's impossible to know until one get's to know you better.
We live in a dog eat dog world on one level and you seem to want to know why you attract more than your fair share of the exploitative assholes? What is written on your head?... "I'm a nice girl"?, so then Exploitative Assholle(s) comes along "ah, a Nice Girl!... bingo!". Yeh I don't know. One really has to get to know YOU better to understand the nuances.

But no so far I don't think you are dislikable.
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#5

Postby Prycejosh1987 » Fri Dec 11, 2020 3:32 pm

You have to respect yourself before people can respect you. I try not to be too needy in relationships with girlfriends and with normal friends. You need to relax take a breather and look at what you do, which may be red flags as in your doing something which people capitalise on and take advantage of you because of it. Keep yourself in check, and learn from your mistakes. All the best.
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